Urban Runner

You need the right equipment to run in the city. The trainers I’m wearing are grass-replicant, meaning that the impact of running on pavements and roads is exactly the same you would get running barefoot on grass. Much better for your feet and legs than those idiots running in bottomless trainers, and barely five times the price.

The watch I’m wearing is linked to my pedometer, so that it can measure my pace as I go along. I can set it to beep a warning if my pace falls below my desired minimum speed. It's really effective, keeps you pushing yourself all the way, I've had three new personal bests since I bought it.

My phone is fitted without about fifty different running apps, including one that monitors my heart rate and another that measures my body temperature. So much for the ‘risks of heart attack’ – I’d immediately alert myself at the first minor discrepancy in my heart’s function, and by monitoring my body temperature I can take on water at a scientific rate, none of the amateur tactics of drinking when you’re thirsty or hot.

I prefer to run at midday, when the sun’s at its highest and the temperature is at the max. It’s important to train your body to cope with the toughest conditions, so that you’re prepared for whatever the world has to throw at you on race day.

Of course, that means that the sun is a potential problem. I don’t trust normal sun-block, I use SunAway, a cream developed as part of the space programme. The cream effectively acts as a light-repellent. Apparently, if you wear it all-over it leaves  you virtually invisible to some species of lizard, that only see light from certain parts of the spectrum. Very handy, given the lizards you get on the running circuit.

I also need wrap-around sunglasses, ones that don’t leave stupid gaps between the glasses and the eyes that the sun can sneak though, and my running vest is sweat-enthusiastic, encouraging you to sweat more and thus provide self-coolant. A warning though, you should only wear these if you’ve access to plenty of liquid, otherwise you can simply sweat your body away on a long run.

I don’t like planning routes. I like to go rogue. I use a specially designed sat nav. You can type in your current location, your desired distance, and it will calculate a random circular route. You can look at the route in advance, but I like to treat it as a magical mystery tour, running along with no idea where I’m going, waiting for the next instruction to learn left or right.

Like last Tuesday. I found myself in a part of London I’ve never been to before, not in all the time I’ve lived here. I’ve literally no idea where it was. It’s an incredible city like that.

And then I’m told to turn right, and I realise I’m running through this dodgy council estate, crumbling Nelson Mandela tower blocks on both sides.  And there’s this gang of thugs, hanging around, as if waiting for someone from Channel 4 to come and film them in a reality show. They start bombarding me with questions, like the Guardian lifestyle guru who interviewed me for the article ‘When did running become stylish?’.

“Nice watch mate – where d’yer get it?”
 

“Dig da trainers – dem da real tings or fakes?”

“Datta sat nav on your ‘ead?”

I try to run past them, I know I can outrun them, but they spread wide, and I’m surrounded.

One of them pulls out a knife. “I wanna try yuz slippers, Cinderela.”

After that it’s all a bit of a blur. I tried to run past but the knife stopped me. Someone somewhere must have called an ambulance, but I knew nothing until I woke up earlier today, with three days missing from my life, and only an emergency-surgery scar to show for it. 

I have to be more careful, the surgeon warned me. An inch either side and the knife would have killed me.

Gang repellent, that’s what I needed apparently. The surgeon who fixed my cut is a keen runner. Apparently it’s a spray they developed in the US, where urban running is dangerous business. It’s aroma is one that the lower orders can’t stand to be near, even the most over-zealous muggers run away from it. The middle classes don't even notice you're wearing it - amazing really!

I also need a knife-proof vest (surprisingly light, apparently). And there’s a sat nav you can get that links to the police database, so that you can programme it to avoid areas with a high crime rate, avoiding the problems I had. It just shows, if you don't have the latest technology you find yourself in all sorts of trouble.

Of course, it’ll be a few months before I go running again, but I can’t wait. There’s simply nothing else quite as natural and healthy as just running free, going wherever my legs happen to take me.