The Undertakers

Simon: So, a suit is fine?

It’s got to be a salmon coloured suit? His favourite suit?

Erm okay then. Well it’s probably best if you bring one of his old suits by, and his face? How would you like that?

We can make him smiling, frowning, whatever really. Straight faced, yeh we can do that. So that’s all sorted, and we’ll apply the make up as usual then. Yes we put make-up on all of our corpses.

Because you tend to lose some of the colour in your cheeks when you die. And with rotting and what not, it’s not the best way to remember your loved one.

Yeh so we usually touch the people up a little bit. Here and there. He was allergic to oil based make ups?

I’m not sure that that will matter much. His skin is very dry at the moment. Okay, well I’ll try to use non-oil based products.

And finally is there anything you’d like him to be holding? Or to place in the casket alongside Peter?

Erm, well, I don’t think the size restraints will be able to cater for Peter and his accordion. You could always upgrade to the extra large sized casket.

Ahh, that’s out of your price range, well unfortunately due to Peter rather rotund size at his death I don’t think we could fit his body and an accordion in the casket.

Yes I do appreciate the accordion was very dear to him, but it’s just a bit too big, I was thinking perhaps a bible? Or a photograph?

Hmm yes, I do understand that he wasn’t a religious man. Oh then I guess you could cancel the priest and upgrade the casket.

I’m just trying to help you out Mrs. Garbutt. If you did that then we could fit the accordion in the casket.

Otherwise I’m afraid I can’t help you. I mean priests aren’t necessary, they just add a sense of importance to the occasion.

Okay, that’s good then, I’ll cancel the priest and upgrade the casket. But we’ll need two more coffin bearers. Do you have any strong bodied family members that you would like to carry the casket?

Well we have people available if you can’t find anyone strong enough, but that’ll be at an extra cost.

Twelve bearers are necessary when carrying a body, beg my pardon, casket of this weight. It’s a solid willow casket, very strong and heavy indeed.
Well, it’s needs to be strong enough to hold the weight inside, I’m sure you can understand that.

We don’t really make our caskets with the living dead in mind, it’s never really happened, but I’m sure he couldn’t break out of it even with zombie strength, it’s eight inches thick.

Yes, yes, yes, oh sorry I didn’t detect your sarcasm. I was just being proper. Well as I said, it’s that expensive because it’s a lot of willow, and that’s due to us well, not wanting the body to fall through the casket on it’s way to the grave.

I must apologise once again for the zombie remark that is. Yes, yes I do know they don’t exist.

Erm, no I’m not a goth. I’m blonde.

Finally I must ask, what was your husbands cause of death? It’s normal procedure to ask, just in case we come across anything we should be careful around when dressing him and also for insurance purposes.

He got crushed by a tree in the storms?

Oh god I heard about that, he was walking his dog wasn’t he. Apparently if he was thinner the firecrews could have saved him…is what the newspaper said. I’m sure that was just erm an exaggeration though. Well, I’ll just put it down as an act of god. And I’ll cancel the priest and upgrade the casket so you needn’t worry about that.

Yes okay, well we shall see you tomorrow at eleven, if you just bring the suit and accordion over this afternoon, and drop them off at the reception we shall sort out the rest for you, Mrs. Garbutt.

Have a nice afternoon.

Erm, well have the nicest afternoon possible considering the consequences, Mrs. Garbutt.

Erm well, I guess have an afternoon then. And sorry for your lose.

What a fucking bitch. I don’t think she understands what a fat bastard her husband is, well was.

Max: None of ‘em do. They like to remember their loved ones being good looking.

Simon: I doubt Mr. Garbutt was ever good looking.

Max: Well, better looking then. I guess that’s one good thing about drug abuse, you die young. Leave a nice looking corpse.

Simon: I don’t think that makes it any better Max.

Max: Not to you it doesn’t, obviously, but like to your family, they remember you being young. Not old and wrinkly and decrepid and grumpy.

Simon: A corpse can’t be grumpy.

Max: You know what I mean Simon. But I do bet I could probably convey the emotion of grumpiness onto a corpse.

Simon: You are good at your job, I’ll give you that Max, but grumpiness is a hard emotion to convey with just make-up.

Max: I bet fifty quid I could make Mr.Garbutt look like a grumpy fat bastard.

Simon: Alright, then, but Theo will have to judge.

Max: It’s a deal, I’ll go get my tools.

Simon: Theo. You’ll judge right?

Theo: Why the hell can’t we get any hot young dead people? I’ve spent the last two
days putting pantyhose on eighty year olds. And Mrs. Reiss is weeping.

Simon: What’s weeping?

Theo: I don’t want to say Simon.

Simon: So you’ll judge?

Theo: Yeh, sure, anything to stop me from putting Mrs. Reiss blouse on.

Simon: Good, and by the way Theo I forgot to say that Mr. Reiss wants his wife’s
legs to be slightly parted, when she’s lying down. He said that’s the happiest he remembers her.

Theo: That’s fucking sick, Simon, why do you have these conversations? I mean you don’t need to ask why they want it like that, it’s just enough to know they want it that way.

Simon: Well she had arthritis in her knees, apparently, so bending was always unpleasant for her and Mr. Reiss. Oh and also her lips, make sure you use the lipstick Mr. Reiss dropped off, he’s very particular about her lips being the right colour.

Theo: Sure, sure.

Simon: How long will you be Max?

Max: How long did it take Michael Angelo to paint the Sisteen Chapel?

Theo: It’s a dead fat man, not a chapel.

Max: He looks grumpy already.

Simon: No, he doesn’t he looks constipated.

Max: Well, I’d be grumpy if I was constipated.

Theo: You know they say you shit yourself when you die, I guess he didn’t.

Max: That’s a pile of shit, no-one shits themselves when they die.

Theo: Well if you died from food poisoning you’d be shitting yourself.

Max: Yeh, but not after you’re dead.

Simon: Anyway, I need to go measure up the new coffin.

Max: I’ll give you a shout when I’m done. I’ll be in the embalming room.

Simon: Whatever you do, make sure you can change it back to the straight face Mrs. Garbutt asked for. There will be hell to pay if you fuck it up.

Max: Hell’s already paying the price, imaging spending an eternity looking at his face.

Theo: How do you know he’s going to hell? He could be going to heaven.

Max: I heard you say he wasn’t a religious man.

Theo: Does that matter?

Max: Well, yeh it probably does.

Simon: You’re not a theologian, Theo.

Theo: Neither are you, Simon. He’ll burn off a few calories in hell.

Max: I don’t think the afterlife has fluctuating weight.

Theo: Why wouldn’t it?

Max: Well because it wouldn’t matter, obesity can’t kill the dead.

Theo: That doesn’t mean it wouldn’t exist.

Simon: Are you two fucking arguing about if there are fat people in hell?

Theo: Yeh.

Simon: Shut the fuck up, you’re distracting me from my work.

Max: I’ll be done in under an hour I think.
But there’s a lot of face to work with, it’s like embalming a deep fried egg.

Theo: Sounds fun. If you could embalm anyone who would it be? I’d choose Angelina Jolie.

Simon: She’s not dead, yet.

Max: She would be if I got to her, Mr and Mrs. Smith deserved death, I wasted two hours of my life watching that.

Simon: Her acting is pretty dead though.

Theo: That was a shit joke.

Max: This isn’t 'paint by numbers' you know Theo, maybe one day after changing a few more retirees blouses then you’ll get to where I am.

Theo: Where you are? You’re painting a fat man’s face to look grumpy at 8.30 in the morning.

Max: Maybe if you did activites like this, it would distract you from fantasying over embalming dead actors.

Theo: There’s nothing wrong with being attracted to a good looking lady.

Simon: There isn’t, but there’s something oh so slightly wrong with being attracted to embalming her corpse.

Theo: To be honest, I don’t care, anything is better than rearranging Mrs. Reiss’s legs.

Simon: Just get back to work you idiot. The service is at eleven and her casket isn’t even done yet. You need to pick up the yellow tulips for that too.

Theo: I’ve only got lilac ones. I don’t think she minds. She’s always smiling, that’s the one good thing about Mrs. Reiss.

Max: And that’s thanks to me, isn’t it Theo?

Theo: Yes, your great work Max, you have the touch when it comes to putting smiles of dead peoples faces.

Max: If only my wife was dead. It’d be easier. Probably better conversation too.

Theo: Do we get a discount?

Simon: What? No, Theo, we don’t. You don’t pay for your own funeral.

Theo: I think I may save up, I want to go with a bang.

Max: Like spontaneous combustion?

Theo: No, like the works. I think my family would be pissed off if they had to pay full price too, seeing that I work here.

Simon: But you wouldn’t be working here when you’re dead.

Max: You’d probably be better at your job though.

Theo: Ha ha Max. I’m surprised you can hear us in the there. Why don’t you just shut up and talk to Mr. Garbutt.

Simon: He would be a good listener, Max. You could bore him to death with all your anecdotes.

Theo: To be honest, we should at least get a discount, I don’t want to have to start saving up for my funeral.

Max: You’d have to save up quickly Theo because at the rate your going it’ll be sooner rather than later.

Theo: Are you threatening me Max?

Max: Ha, no I’m not. I don’t need to. There’s more smoke in your lungs than at the great fire of London. And if you keep on eating all that junk food you’re not going to get very far.

Theo: Well the way I work it out smoking takes 15 years off your life. But exercise puts 20 years on your life. And I do a lot of that, so I’m up 5years already.

Simon: I don’t think life works like that Theo.

Theo: Life doesn’t Simon, but death may.

Max: For your sake I hope it does Theo.

Theo: Thanks for that Max, I’d watch out for karma if I was you.

Max: Ha, karma doesn’t exist.

Theo: How do you know that?

Max: Well I’m a religious man, I believe in God, and the will of God implies that nothing is left to circumstance. Providence and all that.

Theo: How do you know if you’re right though Max?

Max: Well Theo I don’t, but I’m a betting man so I believe in God.

Theo: You’re a betting man so you believe in God.

Max: Yeh. The way I see it, is if there is a God then I go to Heaven, because I’ve followed him. And if there is no God, then I don’t go to hell, because it doesn’t exist.

Theo: What happens if you don’t believe in the right God?

Max: Well all religion has the same principles so there’s no big difference. Also he’s probably a nice guy, he’ll understand.

Simon: Yeh, but he’ll also understand why Theo didn’t believe in him.

Max: I don’t even think God could forgive Theo, Simon.

Simon: Come on Max that’s taking it a bit too far.

Max: Simon, the boy thinks about embalming Angelina Jolie.

Simon: He’s does have a point Theo.

Theo: Fuck you, I’m going to smoke. All this talk of mortality is getting to me.

Max: Good idea Theo, nothing better to take your mind of it than dabbling in your own mortality.

Simon: Smoking is the longest form of suicide.

Theo: Thanks for that up lifting talk Max.

Max: No worries, Theo..

Simon: Oh and Theo.

Theo: Yes, Simon?

Simon: Don’t get Mrs. Reiss smelling like your cigarettes, she did die of lung cancer.

Theo: Yeh, don’t worry, I’ll just freebreeze her.

Simon: Lovely Theo.

………………………………………………………..

Max: Right well I’m done.

Simon: You’re finally finished Max?

Max: Yup, all done Si.

Simon: Well that only took you two hours.

Max: Nah, only one really. I spent the last hour trying to get Mr. Garbutt down to just the double chin. Unfortunately fat doesn’t hold well, so he’s stuck with the six of ‘em.

Simon: At least you gave it your best shot.

Max: Yeh, get Theo in here.

Simon: Theo! Get in here, Max is done.

Theo: Yeh, I’m coming, give me a sec.

……………………………………………………………..

Simon: What took you so long Theo?

Theo: Erm well I got Mrs. Reiss’s bra strap caught.

Simon: Caught on what?

Theo: My cuff. And I didn’t know how to get it off.

Max: You ain’t got much chance with Angelina then do ya? Ha

Theo: Funny Max, real funny.

Max: Well, I didn’t get to first base with a dead women.

Theo: Shut up and let’s see this masterpiece.

Max: Open it up Simon.

Simon: Alright….Fuck he looks pissed off.

Theo: You would too if you had Max hovering over your head, playing with your face for two hours. Are you sure he’s dead?

Simon: He does look grumpy. I’ll give you that, well done Max.

Theo: You’re the Monet of dead people Max.

Max: Told you I could do it, now cough up Simon.

Simon: I’ll pay you later.

Max: You better, Si.

Theo: Erm, except there are two things.

Max: Don’t be a pedantic bastard Theo.

Theo: Erm, well, why is he cross eyed?

Max: Oh fuck.

Simon: Shit I didn’t notice that.

Theo: You should move them back.

Max: I’m not touching someone’s eye.

Theo: Don’t worry he won’t bite.

Max: Nah, I’m afraid that’s out of my jurisdiction. That’s Theo’s job.

Simon: What was the over thing Theo?

Theo: Erm, I don’t know how to put this but…

Simon: But what?

Theo: Well the rabbit is out of the hutch.

Simon: Oh fuck, Max you got him all excited. What have you two been upto?

Max: Fuck off, the zip is broken. The pants are only a size forty-two.

Simon: He’ll be wearing a different suit tomorrow anyway. Shit I better go get that from reception.

Max: Get your fucking wallet too Si. Cause this is one grumpy bastard.

Theo: I make it two.

Max: It’s a shame he couldn’t appreciate the work I’ve done. He does look a lot better.

Theo: You really are going to hell Max.

Max: Well, I’ll see you there then Theo.