Breath of Ice (Icy Breath - Update)

Hello!

This is an updated version of a story I posted recently ( http://www.abctales.com/story/theemmastar123/icy-breath ).

It would be great if you can give me feedback on this story and hopefully tell me what I could do to make this better. Also, which version do you prefer, or which parts of each version are the best in your opinion? Thank you!

...

I stumble behind the faint light of a head torch guiding my way through a dark land of ice. With this light, I can see a couple of metres in front, but without it, I would even struggle to see my hand if I held it out before my face in this snow flurry. I struggle to stay upright as an icy, splintering wind is attempting to throw me off the face of this mountain. But that is exactly what I came here for. The thrill of being at a point of life or death.

I reach a clearing where there is a slightly thicker layering of grey ice. I attempt to scrape the top layer with my bare hands, quickly realising this hopeless attempt will only result in my hands freezing solid. That's when I remember something; I have a small ice-pick which would be ideal for this. I unhook it from my belt and attempt to hack at the ice once more. This is making life a lot easier.

I break though a layer of cold, toxic ash and reach some cleaner snow underneath. I fill my sauce pan quickly as I scrape chunks into it. Hopefully this will melt into enough water to last me the night. I hook the pick back onto my belt.

My legs begin to give way as I struggle to wade back to the crack in the mountainside I have been living in; a cave, just big enough to fit two people in. My recently lit fire, sheltered by the wind behind a rock, has quickly died down to just a small, flickering mass of embers. I hurl my pan of snow into it. The snow must melt so I can quench my thirst before all the heat disperses.

What attracted me to this place was the excitement of an adventure. I knew there was going to be an event occurring here soon, it just happened to be a volcano. It erupted around 4 days ago, following a gigantic earthquake that made the ground transform into jelly. Molten lava spewed out of the volcano's center, as well as a thick layer of hot, grey ash. I have not seen a soul since; they must have been cowards and fled on the last remaining aeroplanes before the sky became a wall of burning grey.

My plan was to watch all the action from a local ski-lodge. I was climbing a nearby mountain the moment a tear ran underneath the lodge and up the wall of the volcano. The unique shake of the ground alerted me that something major had happened. Before a river of lava engulfed it, I climbed through the crack left in the ground and into the shop of the abandoned ski-lodge. I took some of the snacks they were once selling and a huge lump of leaflets from a stand to start a fire. I did initially come prepared for this trip by stuffing my bag with a few supplies before I left. These included a first aid kit, a lighter, a pen knife, an old mobile phone and some thick rope.

This storm hit just yesterday. I wasn't expecting it. First it started off as a light, grey snow flurry, then it suddenly turned into pebbles of hail. But today, everything was dark. The cloud of ash managed to stretch far enough across the sky to block out the sun. It is almost impossible to tell when it is day and night now. Only now and again the wind parted the sky to let slithers of light through.

A hissing sound coming from the direction of my fire startles me. I notice the pan has overturned and some of the water is running into the flames. I bounce to the pan and quickly grab it. Half of it has run into the fire, but there is at least some left, and it's melted. I bring the pan to my lips, but a burning sensation immediately makes me draw it away again. I completely forgot about the fact that is burning hot. I put some more leaflets on the fire to save the heat for a little longer.

A few minutes later, I manage to successfully drink the water this time. There is a slight putrid taste there, but my desire for a drink overcomes it. Some of the dirty ice must have fallen into the pan when I was salvaging it, but I'm sure a little bit won't hurt.

My stomach begins to churn. I check my food supplies in my rucksack; six chocolate bars, three oat bars and an unopened packet of biscuits. This won't last me very long. I open the packet of biscuits, snap a piece off of one and shove it into my mouth.

The fire has completely burned out by the time I tuck myself into my sleeping bag. This will be the start of another restless night on the hard ground, with just the hard side of my rucksack for a pillow.