Excerpts From A Cynic's Dictionary

EXCERPTS FROM: CYNIC'S DICTIONARY OF LITERARY TERMS

ARTICLE: Non-Fictional Prose composition. An article is a conundrum if
you determine that the ultimate and unintended purpose of an article is
to define truth. In this sense all articles are fiction.

AUTOBIOGRAPHY: The written work of a megalomaniac.

BIOGRAPHY: The work of a megalomaniac who writes vicariously.

COMEDY: A literary work written in a humorous style. When considering
literary merit, it's our opinion of 100\% of what we read, and 0\% of
what we think we write.

DIARY: A private journal, i.e. the lasting document of a liar. Proof
positive of man's inability to recognize truths within himself. A diary
is a distorted mirror that always reflects man's predilection for
self-love. Diaries are always comedies.

DOCUMENTARY: A factual, objective account. See: Fairy Tale

DRAMA: A composition protraying life's conflicts. we all start out
writing dramas. We end up writing comedies.

FAIRY TALE: A narrative involving fantastic forces and beings. An
autobiography.

FICTION: What you think of yourself.

HAIKU: An epigrammatic Japanese verse form of three short lines; i.e.
An attempt at minimal expression which usually due to its brevity
expresses nothing.

HORROR: Painful and intense fear or dread. To be precise it is the
emotion of the writer upon re-reading an item that he had written some
time ago. 2.) The act of reading others' works.

NATURALISM: Literary observation of life without idealization. i.e. A
hypothetical literature unattainable by man.

NIHILISM: Doctrine that proclaims that existense is senseless and
useless. All writers are nihilists when faced with a deadline and an
empty page.

PLAY: A stage presentation of an action or story. Also, it is what most
of us are doing in this world.

POETRY: Writings of an imaginative awareness of experience through
meaning, sound and rhythm. Since poetry expresses experience and
experience is a known quality, poetry reiterates what is already known.
The poet yells, "Fire" in an already burned out theatre. A poet is a
curious individual who delights in paradoxes, expressing what is known
and hypothesizing on what is unknown. However, that which is known does
not need expressing and that which is unknown cannot be expressed.
Therefore a poet is redundant. A poet's tools are not pen and paper but
rather mirror and veil. A Poet's mother is a magician, his father a
charlatan.

POT BOILER: An inferior work of literature produced for profit. as
compared to superior works of Literature which are produced at no
profit.

REALISM: What someone else thinks of you.

ROMANCE: (obs)Chivalric love and adventure. Popularly, it's imaginary
characters involved in an imaginary theme. A love story is a romance.
Likewise, all Realists are romantics. Autobiographies are romance.
Lifting pen to paper is romance.

SATIRE: Exposing vice and folly through ridicule. Satire is the vice
and folly of the self-righteous. A satirist is more comfotable with a
rake than a shovel. More at ease with mud than dirt. He is a hero to
some, a villian to many, but loved by none.

SYMBOLISM: The art of expressing the invisible through the use of
visible representations. All writing is symbolic. The written word is a
symbol of nothingness. Finally a symbol is what you are doing right now
with your middle finger.

TRAGEDY: (obs) A serious drama describing a conflict between the
protagonist and a monolithic force. Also, it is the travesty done by
the author to his clean page.

CYNIC'S DICTIONARY OF ROMANCE (2/6/02)

Fools are my theme, let satire be my song.
George Gordon Noel Byron (1788-1824)

BEAUTY: 1.) A measurement of lust. They say beauty is in the eye of the
beholder but all who say that aim too high.

BOX OF CHOCOLATES AND ROSES: Prelude to male gratification and female
disillusion.

BOYFRIEND: 1.) The man of a woman's dreams?literally.

BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND: A highly imaginative state between two people
where they commit to a belief in fairies, dragons and happily
ever-after.

DATING: 1.) The pointless charade of two fools. 2.) Foreplay.

HAPPILY EVER AFTER: A confirmed bachelor or an old maid.

HUSBAND: Tyrant

INTIMACY: A relation in which two fools commit to their
destruction.

KINDRED SPIRITS: A mirror image for a megalomaniac.

KISS: A commitment by two to conspire.

KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR: How every man begins in a woman's eyes before
proof proves him a Knave.

LOVE: 1.) A measure of insanity curable by the removal of the stimuli
which created the disorder. 2.) Pre-hate 3.)A projection of
self-interest on another in order to enable coitus.

LOVERS: 1.) Performers. 2.) Two fools locked in a shared lie.

LUST: 1.) Natural instinct. 2.) The noblest emotion. 3.) Love.

MARRIAGE: 1.)The state of pre-divorce. Marriage is an example of
tethering. Two souls locked in mortal combat, each loathing the other,
yet fearing their escape. 2.)The chains of poor judgment.

MONOGAMY: 1.) A theoretical state unsubstantiated by fact. 2.) A
moratorium placed upon natural instincts. 3.) A myth. 4.) An
unattainable idea agreed upon. 5.)The Holy Grail of marriage.

ROMANCE: An imaginative state where the mind has free reign over all
types of illogical thoughts and processes.

SEX: Fulfillment of a biological yearning, sometimes confused with a
higher state. It is the ultimate act of encumbering. Sex begins as a
dream and ends as a nightmare.

SWEETHEART: 1.) A lover of less than six months. 2.) A pet name for a
sexual plaything. 3.) A code word for sex.

VALENTINE'S DAY: A cruel joke played upon the seeing, by the blind. A
broad comedy preyed upon by actors on a small stage.

WIFE: 1.)Victim; 2.)Grisette; 3.)Chattel