Price of Gold, The

Satire?s my weapon, but I?m too discreet to run amuck, and tilt at
all I meet.
Alexander Pope

Big John O'Malley or;
The Price of Gold

Big John O'Malley was the most contrary man in all of Cork County. If
you told him the sky was blue he'd ask you to prove your point. It's
not that Big John wasn't unfriendly; he was always the first man to buy
a round at the Bull and Talon, it's just that he was a skeptic by
nature. His father was an unbeliever as was his grandfather. Each
O'Malley male had been a doubter from as far back as anyone could
remember. Big John was destined to be a skeptic; at least that is how
he chose to relate his situation to his friends at the tavern.

One day, Big John was tending his sheep when he came upon a bucket
filled with rainwater. John went over to this bucket, intending to kick
it over, because, well, John was also a little cantankerous. However,
before he could put his crotchety plan into action, he made a
discovery. At the bottom of the bucket was a round, flat, gold colored
object. Big John, not being a man of wealth, had a powerful need for
money. The shine given off by this object obviously reminded John what
his pockets were light of, and thus it was of singular interest to
him.

Big John, a strong hard workingman, still had his qualms when it came
to getting his hands wet. Rolling up his sleeve, he turned his head to
the right so as to suffer the indignation of his partial ablution. Big
John then squinted his eyes, reached gingerly into the water and
grabbed the golden object.

Holding his bounty before him, Big John noticed something rather
odd...a coin with a hole? He looked closer and was quickly reminded of
his luck, which was, to put it mildly, none. Sure enough, upon closer
inspection, all that Big John possessed was a dollar sized, brass
washer. He was about to throw the washer back into the bucket when the
skeptic in Big John noticed a peculiar thing. The water surface of that
pail was nearly still. A moment ago his hand had been rifling through
it and now, moments later, only a slight surface ripple gave hint to
its former turbulence. To the unobservant, there would seem to be
nothing unusual to water settling in it's due time, but to a man like
John, in need of a theory of life, that observation made all the
difference.

Part philosopher, part inquisitive fool, and all man of unreason, John
gazed at the bucket as if struck by a wondrous thought. His eyes
twinkled in a sort of revelrous pronouncement and he suddenly had, what
we might lightly term an epiphany, but which John, less given to
definition, simply declared, ?an eye opener"

Big John stood dumb-founded by his finding. It took a few moments for
him to fully grasp the philosophical import of his discovery, but after
a moment of intense cognition, John knew he had to impart his newfound
theory with his fellow philosophers at the Bull and Talon.

As Big John entered the pub, the first of the deep thinkers to meet him
was Paddy O'Rourke, a retired stonecutter with a red face and ruddy
complexion. Paddy was affable to a point. Meet Paddy when he first
entered the Pub and you'd find a friend who'd talk your ear off, but,
treat Paddy to one too many pints of lager and Paddy became, first
maudlin and then eventually down right belligerent. Paddy, it would
seem, was entering the contentious phase of his evening, having imbibed
a few too many of Killian's Finest ale, and he was not in the mood to
listen to his old friend's philosophic finding.

"Paddy my good man. I have a most 'plexin' story to tell ya." Big John
began, head-over-heels, into his amazing bucket tale. Before he had
completed his enlightened story, a small crowd of fellow philosophers
had gathered around to hear their colleague tell his abstruse
findings.

"So we're to believe that a bucket encompasses the world,? commented
the fuddled Paddy, who, surprisingly, had until now, listened patiently
to Big John's tale. "Yes indeed Paddy, the bucket is the world and the
water I would dare say is all of you. I'm the hand and well the
nothingness that remains, that would be the world after um gone."

At the completion of Big John's philosophic exposition, the ruby faced
Paddy broke out into a laugh, which was soon followed by a chorus of
merriment from the other Bull and Talon patrons.

Big John, observing that he was the only metaphysicist in a pub full of
rationalists, became angered and would have floored his friend Paddy
there and then had it not been for the tavern keeper Lanny Doyle who
yelled over to Big John to, "ease up on yure philosophizing and have
one on the house". Those were the magic words to the parsimonious John,
who never turned down alcohol or a free meal, and thus his contentious
nature was quelled.

Big John and his fellow mates all gathered around the bar to toast
John's health. To show that there were no hard feelings, Paddy bought
the second round and Mike Shannon, a man quick with a joke and free
with his money, (to his wife's wrath) bought the third. John, feeling
better about his fate and therefore his drinking mates, bought the
rounds that followed.

At about the time of the sixth round John's amazing discovery started
to re-surface as a topic of conversation. John insisted on the veracity
of his findings and the rationalists all jovially insisted that John
was mad.

Finally at the completion of the tenth round, Big John, unable to
convince his fellow philosophers of his meaning of existence,
determined it to be time to take leave and head for home.

Big John, started the short trek homeward, and when about half way, he
approached a wooden bridge. As a boy John had often jumped from this
bridge, into the icy waters. He remembered how invigorating the sudden
rush of cold water seemed and the nostalgic farmer decided to sit on
the bridge railing and try to think out his new found philosophy.

Surely his mates should have understood the situation. ?Yure here, and
then yure not. The memry that ya make after you?ve gone is nil?. "The
world is a bucket, damn it all!? ?Can't they see that the world is a
damn bucket!? and with that last declaration, Big John, noticed a shiny
yellow object reflecting in the river. John became engrossed at the
prospect, and in his confused state, thought of gold. He leaned forward
and peered intently at this glistening object. Unable to discern
clearly, he leaned a little more toward the object hoping to espy its
nature. Forgetting his precarious position, Big John lost his balance;
he waved his arms momentarily, gave one short gasp and fell from the
bridge into the icy river. The ripples slowly widened, making the
moon?s reflection shimmer on the water?s surface.

The next day, John's body was dragged from the river. Being an
unbeliever, John was buried on the outside of the Catholic Church
graveyard. Nobody attended the funeral and no one ever seriously
inquired as to his where about.

In death, Big John O?Malley had finally proven his philosophy of
life.