The Ballad of Liz and James - 5

Did I mention there are certain challenges attached to a 4,653 mile
relationship? I think I may have done. Anyway, my point today is that
some of these challenges are blatantly self-evident. But some may be
quite unexpected to the casual independent observer. Let’s start
with sales tax. Surely the US is the only country in the world where
you don’t pay the sticker price. I’ve been to the US a hundred
times and I still get caught out.

“That will be fifty three dollars and seventeen cents sir.”

“But the sticker says fifty dollars?”

(Counter clerk rolls eyes indicating her belief that only a certified
moron would expect to pay the advertised price.)

“That’s the sales tax sir.”

Then there’s the men’s toilet cubicles. Boy are they scary. I
don’t know about you, well clearly I don’t know about you, but
when I’m pooping I’m looking for a calming and relaxing
environment, with complete privacy, one where I can express my
individuality without fear of judgement or criticism. SO WHY DO YOU
HAVE A FOOT HIGH GAP BETWEEN THE FLOOR AND THE START OF THE
PARTITION? I like Americans. I try to like everybody. But I don’t
wanna dump with them.

And where do you go when you’ve had a fight with The Girlfriend? I
don’t know this town that well. I don’t have any friends here. In
Oxford I’d go for a walk. Or I’d go to the pub. Or I’d go for a
walk to the pub. Once in the pub I’d strike up a conversation with
a stranger. I’d tell him how beautiful she was, how I loved her,
how I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, but how her
depressive moods were taking our relationship to breaking point. I’d
tell him that I’m not sure I can take it much longer, but she’s
so fragile and vulnerable I can’t leave her to face the world
alone. He’ll be watching the soccer and nodding occasionally. But
that’s all he needs to do.

So I went for a walk. I went to the pub. I went for a walk to the
pub. Hoping for a solace in IPA that wouldn’t come. And then to
Randall’s, for coffee, milk, hummus, and the comfort of routine.
And then I didn’t know where to go.