Mar mare (first story)

Ooh, Last Resort, by Papa Roach? :P I like that song. Just wanted to say that. As for the story, all I really have to say is, more? :D

Well, the first time I read it it was a little confusing — the large clump of words was a tad bit intimidating, the punctuation distracted me, and I guess the pacing just seemed sort of rushed. After reading it over, though, I could picture it much better. I would give it an honest 7ish (granted, 10 being the best); it needs a little work, but I really enjoyed reading it! :D It has so much potential, I find...and I'm interested to discover what the outcome of this will be!

You know what? Maybe even an 8...

To slow down the pace? Lengthening it may help, haha, or, of course, playing with the words and the way you've written certain things. As I've said in my earlier comment, the large clump of words was a little intimidating. At least to me. Maybe try starting by separating what you have into proper paragraphs. By having everything squished into one large one, it may give off a sense of rushing all the details and thoughts in one go. Usually when I read things formatted in this way, that's the initial feel I get. People keep telling me that less is more. I mean, I've certainly read fabulous works of some, who write with these unfathomable word limits — like, 100, 200, or 500 words — and are still able to tell a whole story with proper pace and descriptiveness. I have yet to master that skill. :P Why not try it yourself, though, by taking the next step and rewording a paragraph: Simply take what you'll have and describe things differently. For example, and I'm just taking a line here: You said, "sensing he was being watched, he sank the side of his face into his right hand to cover his black eye, then awkwardly positioned himself in his library chair, trying to keep it from being noticed by others sitting not too far away." And that's all one sentence. Consider this: 'He sensed he was being watched. To keep his black eye unnoticed, he repositioned himself and rested his head in his hand.' I said everything you said, just with fewer words. Of course, however, I took out some details, but the main idea is still present. Again, this is a mere example, and I don't necessarily recommend you use this. At all. Haha. In the event that you lengthen your piece and say — either by plainly telling, showing, or implying — that you are sitting in a chair in the library and that there are people around you, these sentences may be a step in the right direction...in regards to pace. Basically, I'm just trying to say that there are different ways to say things. Your diction is raw. And by saying this, I don't mean to sound cocky or to insult. Many of my works are raw, LOL, check 'em out. See for yourself. :P Diction is like your choice or use of words in speech or writing. I usually think of the word 'dictionary' to remember that. Notice the word 'diction' within it. Pretty much, it's your degree of clarity. And I see what she meant by that with respect to your piece. I agree that it is quite 'teen angst', also. This means "when teenagers, for any number of reasons combined with their hormones and stress from school, get depressed." I got that from a site, but it pretty much says it all. If this is, in fact, what that person you mentioned meant, then, as I've said, I agree. Hints of 'teen angst' are depicted in your story all over: the razor blade; "DEATHS DOOR"; even the fact that the main character was listening to Last Resort; and the fact that this person was disturbed says it all, too. I mean, the overall tone is rather perturbing. This doesn't have to be a bad thing. If this is what you were aiming for, then you were spot on, and you don't have to consider it a problem — let alone a huge one. I consider myself an ameteur, but I hope this helps. :) If I missed anything, just let me know. Happy writing!

Your welcome! Can't wait to read it. :)

Yes, lol. I just changed one letter, and the entire comment moved. Sorry about that. As for your revision, I love it! Especially the first paragraph. Highly poetic. There were some punctuation errors and it was a little redundant, still, however. Perhaps you could have severed the third paragragh, too. I only had time to read the first half, unfortunately. But I'll definately be back. ;) Great fix up so far, though. It's much better than the original, in my opinion. I was made aware of some new things, also, in this one. Which was great.