B: Chapter 2: Lonesome Ted Sundown

"Daisy. Aniseed read out the eartag of the cow. The cow had lots of scraggy orange hair coming down over its eyes. Aniseed was surprised, and a bit annoyed, to see a large, calloused hand, appear from behind the cow, and tug at the hair on its forehead. She watched for a while as the hand tugged out pieces of orange hair (the cow's eyebrows). The hand was particularly disgusting. There was mud under the fingernails and all over the hand, and it also had large green warts on the thumb. Aniseed noticed that the hand was attached to a long arm. There were also some oversized feet that she could see (under the cow's legs.) However, the head, luckily, was looking up to the sky, and whistling. She hoped that if she stood still, she wouldn't be noticed.
"I think I'll have you in a hot dog said a voice.
"You don't have any mustard, do you?
The voice was quite a lot taller than her. At least eight feet. She looked up, and saw a very large chin, with lots of hair, and warts on it.
"On the other hand, I've never had sushi. I think a bit of raw child would do me the world of good. I've had a cold you see. Can't bear having colds. Someone said honey and lemon. But I say¦what about a nice little girl. Now what do you say? Oh. You don't say anything. Well then.
Just as Aniseed was about to say something - anything - he scooped her off her feet, and into the air. He dangled her in front of him.
"I'm not rightly sure if you'll fit. Bit of an awkward size. Still. Why not? Give it a go.
And with that, he put his fingers over her eyes, and she plunged down into darkness. Everything went very wet, and very smelly, very fast.

Down and down she went. She hadn't bargained for this at all. Banged bruised, bumped on the head, on the knee, on the elbow. This wasn't going well at all. She didn't want to hold on, but she tried to anyway. It was preferable to going any further: to the giant's stomach. There were some long bristles to hold on to. The joggling and jostling seemed to go on for hours. If she could knock herself unconscious, that would be better. What would happen now? She had a horrible thought. She would be digested. That's what happens in stomachs. She would just fall apart, she would be gently mushed up¦.and then she would float into the intestine. Then the colon. Then, she would finally come out. But she wouldn't be Aniseed any longer. She would be¦
She heard a distant sound above her head. He was still whistling. Well I'm sure you're very pleased with yourself, she thought. Thanks a bunch. As she listened, his whistled seemed to turn into a yodel. It was extremely bumpy, and she supposed he must be jumping up and down to digest her better.
"Thank you very much! She shouted. Excellent. He wasn't that much bigger than her. He must be like a snake. It might take months to digest her whole. Digest her whole!. No. She had to get out. Maybe she could give him some kind of nasty internal injury. But that might not work. She would have to climb up. Back up, into the revolting mouth. She didn't understand. He didn't look that much bigger than her, anyway. Oh god. There was a violent glunchy noise. This must be the sound of digestion. Any minute it would begin. Like when the wave machine gets turned on at the swimming pool. Digestive juices swirling around in whirlpools. She had to get out fast¦.Then, she was scooped up - something was lifting her, higher, higher, and
Plonk.
. "Now open your eyes.
The voice was very near. Aniseed opened her eyes, and looked around her. Ted Sundown's big ugly mug was looking down at her, with his enormous warty chin, and his huge, dirty hands. She was sitting on a table top. A wooden table top, inside some kind of room.
"You didn't think that I would really edify you, did you?"
She stared up at him. Now Double maths would have been a blessing.
You were alright in my bag, weren't you, you little squit." He laughed. She stared, as malevolently as she could.
"Ted Sundown. Pleased to meet you.
. She was not going to cry: There were bigger wierdos than him on the New Cross Road. But still. She looked around, and saw that somehow, she had been transported into a strange, strange room, with string, and odd things hanging down everywhere. She looked down, and saw that there was a plate in front of her, and that on the plate were toast, burnt to a cinder, and something on one of them. It was impossible to say what this was, or might have once been. (It was infact a tomato, it just no longer bore any resmeblance to one.)
She looked up at him, again, which was unfortunate, since the view was straight up his nose, and the green gunk that clung to the bristles, as big a brooms, on the inside of his nostrils. Then she remembered that she was supposed to be at class, she was supposed to be doing maths.
"Now, have a gulp of moonshine.
Ted Sundown grinned, and his grin was like a huge wooden bridge between two craggy mountains, with mouldy wooden slats for teeth. He pushed a mug towards her, full of a sludgy green mixture that smelt vaguely of compost. She sipped at it. Her skin turned immediately the same colour as the drink.
"Oh dear oh dear he said. "Potent stuff, moonshine.
Ted quickly smiled, not to disconcert her. For a man as tall, and as ugly as Ted Sundown, not to disconcert a human is a difficult feat. Made more difficult when you have a scythe sticking out of your back pocket, highland cattle tobacco in your teeth, warts the size of molehills on your chin, and the stench of stilton reeking off you, as difficult to ignore as a naked archbishop.
Lonesome Ted was not exactly aware of this, whistling and looking happily down at the little girl. He then helped himself to a piece of toast (blackened) and flung him down opposite Aniseed, staring at her intently.
Aniseed nibbled corners off the burnt toast and unidentifiable objects (ex-egg, ex-sardine, ex-tomato).
"You don't say much, do you?
No, she thought. Its difficult to speak at the same time as concentrating so hard on not coughing this black carbon pre-historic looking toast. All the while, she was checking the doors, windows, for possible exits.
Ted took a gulp of his tea.#
"Well. Go on. A bath! There's the necessaries. That's what you need
He said, as if he was announcing Cleopatra. Aniseed looked under the table, where there was a bucket full of pink water, that seemed to be sloshing around, with out any good reason to do so.
"Get on with it then. Said Lonesome Ted.

Ted went into the next room, humming. Aniseed bent under the table, and poked one finger into the bucket, and the humming started again. Louder and louder. There were tremors on the surface of the bucket. She reached out her fingers and stroked the surface of the water, when out of the bucket flipped a creature that she had never seen before. The first strange thing about it, was that is was humming. It was a kind of fish, she thought.
"Here I am, a little jetty sam, full of tring and a
micklety king
She wasn't sure if it was actually making these words, or if she was just interpreting them out of the sounds. It certainly was humming.
It clearly had four eyes. It was a kind of fish on legs. And it was singing. She didn't like it.

  "Wish and wish for the little fish
That wash in the brine and blow
Pope Innocent was full of shrimp
Pope Jo has a yellow glow
 
Aniseed gave him a stare she usually reserved for broken computers. Just as the pink creature started up, Ted Sundown clambled# back into the room, and the odd little pink singing thing leapt back into the bucket. He leaned over and looked at her.

"Well then!" He tweaked her on the ear, which hurt.
He grinned again. "Clean as a potato. Well, now, what about a tour of the garden? I do love visitors.
Aniseed looked up at him. He looked down at her. He hadn't noticed that she hadn't washed. This was the moment that she decided that they might, after all, become friends. And at least it was better than a maths lesson. But it didn't mean that she quite wanted to talk to him, just yet.
"Spreken ze Deutsche? Palley voz Inglissy? Wat is your name? Votre nom. Vossy Nommee? In Nomine wassyourfathers?
He looked at her again, and peered close to her, close enough so that the stench of Stilton surrounded her like the smell of dog.
"Aniseed, she said, in a very, very small voice.

"Aniseed" His whole craggy face, creased up with laughter, and he trembled like an earthquake

"What's that? Named after a shoe shop? Named after a wassit? A liquor rich? You funny little carburettor he said.
Aniseed looked so worried that he stopped laughing immediately.
"I'm sure it's a very particular nice name, where you come from. Where do you come from, by the by?
"43 Stepney Way. London."
"Oh. Oh. He said. She didn't like the look on his face then.
"You got here by some unusual means then.
"I don't remember. Where am I?
"Well. Firstly you're in my house. Secondly, you are in the Field. Thirdly, you're in Biesy.
"And where's that?"
"Where's Biesy? I'll show you on the map if you like."
Oddly enough, he then got out a tube map.
Here we are. The turquoise line. Right at the end.
God, don't look so peculiar about it. You're the dog's pyjama's you are. Now, I'll show around if you like.
And with that he stood up and clambled out into the garden, and so Aniseed thought she might as well go with him. Just before the door, he turned round, and put his hands over her eyes.
"Now don't look yet. I'll describe it a little. This is my home. It stretches out as far as that hill over the end. Over the road is the Grigginses. They're more like¦offal. Or. Scrap, than people. you have to get them in the right mood. I never have. That's all. Except for Valentine, over the hill. But he doesn't go out much. At all. He doesn't go out at all¦And, that's it. The rest of this, is all mine.