Grace Part Eleven.

About out eight months after we got married, because of all the upsets and ups and downs, Paul lost his Faith! It did sadden me, because of my abuse from my Uncle, this was the knock-on effect, or what I called, completely our of content, “His legacy!!” I too sadly lost Faith, having believed, most of my life, now I felt all my Faith had gone! I felt none of my prayers was heard, let alone answered, I felt God didn’t love me anymore, I thought He don’t care about me or my plight! I felt my prayers didn’t go up to Him, they just went to the ceiling in the room.

There was a lovely picture of our wedding day, it was taken when Anand, had knelt down and it was Paul and I holding hands with a big smile on our faces and a large view of the deep blue sky behind us! I really loved that photo and it was in the Living Room, to my left as I sat on the sofa and when I was alone praying, I’d look at it, it looked like we had the World at our feet and everything was OK in the World. But the more I looked at that picture, the sadder it made me, for in reality, that photo now meant to me moving from a perfect moment and place and we were heading headlong into disaster, we didn’t see or know just head of us, a few hours from when the photo was taken, it was an invisible line, for if we knew what was just about to happen, we would have or should have turned away! As the pain now was too much to bear! So I removed the photo, as I didn’t want the daily reminder, of the invisible line that I’d now crossed, I didn’t know how I was going to get back to normality. I felt like I was slipping over the edge, but how would I know how close the edge is? The point of no return.

I felt like God was laughing at me! The devil too. Who was I? A nothing in this vast World. Really why should God care, what happens to me? Would He care if we got divorced? Does He care for Women? Does He really know my name and is the hairs of my head numbered? Is he for marriage? I had a thousand unanswered questions, I didn’t care if He struck me down! I became depressed, I still had my ‘mask’ on at work, and made everyone laugh as usual. Not one suspected, I was in utter despair.

So, of my so called Faith, all I had left was the word HOPE, nothing left in all of the Bible just one word Hope. It was at this time Paul said, “Let’s go away, we will go to this place,” It seem quite far, so I said, “Let me first phone and join a break down service.” I joined the breakdown service and we set off on the sunny day, we drove for many miles and it was evening. We saw a hilly road and Paul said, “Go up this road,” I did and we got out and looked around there was nothing, no houses or people just us and trees, then after twenty minutes or so, Paul said, “Lets go down the other side now but my car would not start!!! It had completely died! So Paul gave me a push and I went down the hilly road, in my rear view mirror, I could see Paul getting smaller in the distance, eventually I came to a stop at the bottom! Paul caught up with me and it seem to quickly get dark. There wasn’t a soul about, so we got out and walked until we found a house. It was one house, we knocked on the door and said, “We have broken down, please can you help us?” A man lived there with his Wife, he quickly got into his car and we showed him where my car was, he towed us back to his home, back inside their home, he let me use his phone for we didn’t have mobiles phone back then, I rang the break down company and they said, “Because it is now SO late we will come out to your tomorrow,” The breakdown company spoke to the man of the house, as he wanted details of the name of the road, he was told, “The road does not have a name, but I will take them to the Travellers Inn tonight, so you can meet them there tomorrow.” The breakdown company said, “OK.” The kind man and his Wife then towed us to the Travellers Inn. There was no streets light at all, it was pitched dark, excerpt for his car lights.  We thanked them over and over.

The following morning, the breakdown cover came onto the car park he looked at my car and said, “You need a part, but out here it is almost impossible, to get it for your make of car.” He went on, I will drive to a tiny town, to see if they have that part, do you want to come with me?” Paul didn’t want to go, but I said, “Yes, I will go with you, ” So I got into his large van. We arrived in the little Town, just as the man at the garage was driving off, but he saw the large break down van in his rear view mirror and stopped to see what he wanted. The Assistant said what he wanted, the part for my car, the man from the garage said to the driver, “You are lucky, we have not had one of these for months then the part you want came in yesterday.” So he reopened his garage to go let the breakdown cover man buy it, while I went into the post office shop, nearby in there something on the shelf of cards caught my eye, it was a bookmark, it was titled ‘Hope’ it was a poem. This was my last hope, so I bought it. When I came outside, I noticed the post office was called Hope too, what a coincidence! I held my precious little gift in my hand. As we went back to the Traveller’s Inn, the breakdown driver said, “You are a very lucky Person!” He said, Not only was that the only part they have had for months for your car, but for your exact model and because I bought it, I saved you one hundred pounds!” He said, “You would have paid a lot more, but I bought it for a real bargain!” I said, “Thank you.” He came back to the car park and took his time fixing it. 

When the car was fixed we went for a drive and found a lovely shop, as we decided to buy the kind couple a gift, as they had a stream in their back garden and they loved plant life, we bought them a fruit tree! It was about four foot tall.  They showed us around their lovely garden and I told her about my bookmark and the post office with the same name, the Wife of the house said, “The Town is called Hope.” I was stunned! I’d never heard of a place with that name.

Maybe God was telling me, I might have given up on Him, but He hadn’t given up on me.