Automated telephone systems

Memo to International Head office - Customer Service
department:

(To both customer service representatives)

In an effort to reduce the customer-service staffing levels by 50\\%,
please note the Senior Management Team will be holding a conference in
the main 500 seat auditorium to determine by democratic vote which of
the two of you will be retained to operate our automated
customer-service phone system, known as A.S.S. (Automated Speaking
Service)

It is important that this 'streamlining' is achieved two weeks before
the Christmas period, so that we can advise the customer that this has
been implemented to offer an improved service, as opposed to simply
achieve a salary saving for our organisation.

Extensive survey research has been undertaken by our customer survey
research department, and both of the research staff assure us that
85\\% of the general public are dumb enough to accept this explanation,
12\\% don't understand the explanation, and quite frankly we needn't
give a damn about the remaining 3\\% who want to speak to a 'real live
voice' on the phone.

It is important for the customer-service member of staff (who is
retained for this role) to have some understanding of the A.S.S., in
the unlikely event that any customer eventually by-pass the system
(what is referred to as having 'Kicked A.S.S.')

Our A.S.S. technicians have extensively tested the system and found
that only the most persistent of customers will Kick A.S.S. after 90
minutes. To achieve this, the customer would have had to have selected
approximately 250 'press the following number' options, and this rare
breed of customer is commonly referred to as 'Smart A.S.S.'

Appropriate features have been incorporated into A.S.S. to ensure that
less than 1\\% of the general public constitute Smart A.S.S.s. These
features include:

1) Asking the customer to press a button on their phone (known as
A.S.S. swipe) which does not exist.
2) Offering up to 10 A.S.S. swipes but not including the option they
want.
3) The hold A.S.S. swipe where inane music is played for 20 minutes
before reverting to the introduction A.S.S. swipe menu.
4) The Selling A.S.S. swipe where recorded messages offer services and
products the customer does not want, or cannot afford.
5) The Disappearing Up A.S.S. swipe, where a swipe selection takes the
customer round and round in a loop.
6) The dumb A.S.S. swipe where the option is unintelligible to the
customer

The successful candidate for this role will be expected to travel
around the country on a regular basis, so that the customer does not
know what part of the country they are calling, and effectively this
enables the organisation to give a more international feel should a
customer be a Smart A.S.S. having managed to Kick A.S.S.

The successful candidate will be given the title 'Senior Supervisor'
and only be required to work 3 days a week, 4 hours for each shift.
However, the customer will be advised, of course, that we offer a 24
hour / 7-days-a-week customer service. The free-phone number will not
in fact be free at all, hence if a customer successfully Kicks A.S.S.,
the Senior Supervisor will appreciate that the Smart A.S.S. has run up
a bill in excess of $500 to speak them in person!

It is important that the Senior Supervisor is familiar with putting the
Smart A.S.S. on hold (with the option of manually using the Hold A.S.S.
or Selling A.S.S. options).

Ultimately all Smart A.S.S.'s will be referred to an alternative
number, which in fact is simply another number to the A.S.S.
switchboard.

We know A.S.S. will be an extremely successful tool based, on our
research that 95\\% of major customer service organisations have been
operating A.S.S. also known as S.I.U. (Shove it Up) and that their
customers have been switching over to our organisation's services as a
result!

Their loss is our gain, and for that matter the loss of 50\\% of the
customer service department will be our gain too.

If you would like to be wished a happy Christmas please press
1&;#8230;&;#8230;.

Copyright David Taub (Ukpoet@aol.com), July 2000

If you enjoyed reading this piece and/or have any comments, you are
welcome to email me at UKpoet@aol.com

David Taub is a member of
The British organisation 'National Union of Journalists' (NUJ);
Columnist for the UK magazine 'Poetry Now';
Freelance writer for various UK and USA magazines;
Co-author of Language of Souls (listed on amazon.com)
Website: www.ukpoet.cjb.net