You've got to laugh...

Don't make me laugh!

If I could travel back in time, there would be three people I would
like to drop in on. Not to actually meet, but to listen in on their
conversations like a fly on the wall - Alexander Bell, Henry Ford and
John Logi Baird, in that order. The reason is not because I am
interested in their inventions, specifically the phone, car and
television, but because each probably had some hilariously funny
conversations!

An ideal starting time would be around the 1870's for Bell trying to
enlighten his colleague Watson:

Watson - ...So I have to put one bit to my mouth and the other to my
ear, you say?

Bell - You've got it!

Watson - And you are telling me you can make your voice go down the
wire?

Bell - Precisely!

Watson - Forgive my stupidity Bell - you said your idea will
revolutionise the world. Call me a Jonah, but this wire in the middle
could cause a few minor problems. It is easier for me to shout out to
you if I'm in another room, rather than wander around trailing this
wire everywhere!

Bell - Fine, but not if you are in your house and I am in mine.

Watson - Oh great - You want me to trail a three mile long piece of
wire up the road - are you crazy!?

Bell - But if we had connections to every house, say over the roof tops
- there would be no problem.

Watson - Next you will suggest we dig up the roads to avoid an eyesore,
and that would cost a fortune IF it were possible.

Bell - No problem, each house-owner pays for the connection and phone
usage.

Watson - Boy, you will need to be one hell of a salesman to pull that
stunt off! It will take more than a simple advertising campaign such as
'Buy a phone -give us a Bell'. And do you really expect every one to
become hermits, sitting at home, paying for something they could ill
afford!

Bell - Trust me Watson. It will work and people will thank me for
making their lives easier. In fact they will wonder how they ever
managed without it!...

OK lets fast forward to the early 1890's. Henry Ford is on the phone to
his work colleague, Bill, at the Detroit Edison Company where he worked
as an engineer:

Ford - ..and you won't need a field for the horse either!

Bill - Are you telling me this car of yours will work on hay and
water?

Ford - I told you before - gasoline which burns and explodes, powering
the engine.

Bill - You expect me to sit in a metal box, just behind an engine that
burns and explodes?

Ford - It will be as safe as a horse, but faster and it won't get out
of breath.

Bill - Faster? If I want to go faster I'll get on a train!

Ford - Sure, but a car will be able to go anywhere because it won't run
on tracks.

Bill - How far do you imagine people want to go? Nearly all my friends
and family are easy enough to get to. OK - my sister lives several
states away, but I can call her on the phone.

Ford - Just imagine how it will be when everyone has a car, Bill.

Bill - What do you mean everyone - are you crazy? For a start women
wouldn't understand engines and mechanical things. And old folk - can
you imagine my mother-in-law driving a car? That would make a great
joke!
Another thing you haven't thought of is how ordinary folk, could
afford one. Next you'll be telling me that they can have one today and
pay later!

Ford - Trust me Bill. It will work and people will thank me for making
their lives easier. In fact they will wonder how they ever managed
without one!...

And for my last visit in time, let's ear-wig in on John Logi Baird in
the early 1920's. This guy is a real cracker! Here he is turning down a
good evening out to the 'movies' with a friend Charlie:

Baird - ....no, I'm pleased you phoned. Why don't you jump in the car
and come over?

Charlie - You know it's my night out to the movies. Come and join
me.

Baird - But I want to tell you about my television.

Charlie - Hey, I'm sorry when did you catch that - Does it mean you'll
need glasses?

Baird - It's my invention - not an affliction!

Charlie - Oh, right, that's what you are calling your box thing.

Baird - You just don't understand, do you!

Charlie - Sure I do. You believe you can make pictures travel down a
wire just like a telephone, and with the pictures there will be sound
too.

Baird - Not quite, but it will revolutionise our lives and the way we
live. We will be able to watch pictures about anything we choose.

Charlie - It's going to need massive wires! - and what if the picture
gets stuck coming down this wire of yours? A Thin telephone wire is one
thing, but think how large the wire is going to have to be if you want
to send a picture of - say an elephant! If I want to watch pictures I
can go to the movies. There are even rumours that they will come with
sound soon!

Baird - Television won't work like that. The pictures won't be coming
down wires.

Charlie - Don't tell me. There will be a picture-delivering van. A
knock on the door, a big brown parcel containing the pictures you
ordered from the picture-making factory. For very big pictures you will
fly them through the air, so as not to cause obstructions on the
road!

Baird - Now you are getting the idea.

Charlie - WHAT! Flying elephants - Pink ones I suppose?

Baird - Look Charlie, you don't have to worry how it can be done. As it
happens, I've already worked it out. You will be able sit in the
comfort of your home, turn on the television and watch all sorts of
things - even things as they are happening in real life.

Charlie - So let me get this straight. I could watch people at work,
people driving cars, people talking on phones - ordinary day-to-day
things. No-one is going to want to do that - I do that every day - It's
called living! Next you'll tell me people would even pay for the
privilege.

Baird - Sure, because there will be so many new things to see and learn
about.

Charlie - Boy, you will need to be one hell of a salesman to pull that
stunt off! It will take more than a simple advertising campaign such as
'Stay at home and watch the Box'. And do you really expect every one to
become hermits, sitting at home, paying for something they could ill
afford!

Baird - Trust me Charlie. It will work and people will thank me for
making their lives easier. In fact they will wonder how they ever
managed without it!...

Now I've just had a conversation with my friend who really makes me
laugh. Paul has been trying to explain this business about the Internet
and World Wide Web. Well it was him who persuaded me I should I have a
computer, and in all fairness I couldn't manage easily without it now.
Certainly not as far as my business and writing goes. Then there's my
little 'un learning to read and count with these CDs that have kiddies
'fun-time' learning stuff, and my wife designs garden landscapes on it!
So Paul is trying to convince me that the Internet is just another form
of communication. He says I can send letters anywhere in the world
instantly, 'visit' museums, libraries and universities for research,
treat it like a telephone / CB radio and have 'conversations' all
around the world - all this for the cost of a local telephone call!
I've pointed out that's fine if everyone else were on Internet. There
are only 500,000 on it in the UK and a mere 6 million in the world.
Even with 100,000 new subscribers a day, that's not a lot is it!

The close of our conversation went something like :

Dave - Boy, you need to be one hell of a better salesman than that to
convince me! Do you really expect every one to become hermits, sitting
at home and paying for something they could ill afford!

Paul - Trust me Dave. It's the way the world is going and you'll thank
me for the time and money you will save. In fact you, will wonder how
you ever managed without it...

You've got to laugh... haven't you!

First published in Mensa (members) Magazine June,1996. Copyright
remains with David Taub Ukpoet@aol.com

If you enjoyed reading this piece and/or have any comments, you are
welcome to email me at UKpoet@aol.com

David Taub is a member of
The British organisation 'National Union of Journalists' (NUJ);
Columnist for the UK magazine 'Poetry Now';
Freelance writer for various UK and USA magazines;
Co-author of Language of Souls (listed on amazon.com)
Website: www.ukpoet.cjb.net