Nothing left unsaid

It's been over a month now. Life went on just as you said it would,
though it seems incredebly unfair. It should all have stopped.

It did for me.

It seemed as though the dawn breaking the next day was a differnt
colour somehow, as if marked by what had happened. But perhaps that was
just the way it looked through my tears.

I didn't cry much Mummy, just what I couldn't keep in. I hadn't counted
on how much it would hurt. Or how little rationalizing and logic
actually helps.

I know it was a relief for you. For us. That it would have gotten so
much worse. I know you were frightened. So was I.

I didn't think that anything could have been worse than watching you
fight to breathe or to walk, or to hold onto any damn shred of dignity.
But I was wrong.

This is worse. I didn't realise how much you were helping me when I was
supposed to be looking after you. I suppose you never miss anything
until it's gone.

I keep going over and over it all in my mind. Every recent memory I've
got....trying to keep you alive. That's a part of the pain you
know...realising what you'll never know. Never be there
for...Christmas, our weddings....your grandchildren. I know what it's
like to grow up not knowing a grandparent. You never feel a bond, no
matter how good the stories are... I wanted my children to love you as
much as I do... God It hurts.

I'll never forget the last day. Taking turns to hold your hand. Talking
to you, wondering if you can really hear. That's harder than it sounds
you know. I can't remember everything I said, just mundane stuff
mostly. About the buisness and what was going on in Eastenders.

But I remeber asking you if you were proud of me, because that's what
I needed to know.

Funny thing. I already know the answer to that and every other thing I
would have asked at the time if Emma hadn't come in.

You looked so peacefull lying there towards the end. Gone was the panic
and the fear.
Your family was all around you and you were not afraid. I wish I could
have some of that strength, some of that faith, I truly do.
Now that you're not here to lend me yours.

They told us it was comming, told us to be prepared, to say our
goodbyes, say anything that was left unsaid.

But we just looked at them and told them the truth. There's nothing to
say. I saw in your eyes everything I needed to know, and you saw
everything in mine.

No regrets then. But still a pain so raw I can't begin to explain
it.

I know you're at peace now.

I wish I could see you again, just for one last cuddle, one more
look.

I miss you. Insignificant word.

I love you. There's another.

'bye Mummy.