The Untold Story of a Grim Reaper: Chapter 4.1: Sin...cerity

Classes were the same as usual, I didn’t see the point in paying attention or doing well for a future I didn’t have.

The teacher, Mrs. Lane, handed out a quiz that was over the summer reading. She said she reviewed my school file and said I was submitted to this school over the summer and that I had received my reading work. 

I insisted to her that I did not receive any paperwork about reading assignments but I would, nonetheless, be happy to take it. She handed me the quiz with a scrunched smile. It was over the reading for Peter Pan.

She reminded me of Ardith, a mean, putrid version of Ardith. All her teeth were yellowed as corn with a pair of eyes to match. Wrath, Envy, and Greed whispered in my thoughts when I saw her soul. She was among the easiest to read: self-pity, depressing sensitivity, passive aggressive. It’s strange as we discover the flaws of others how much we judge them for it, forgetting another is peaking into our own flaws and condemning us for them. What was it that Neitzche said? 

She took up all the quizzes before the end of the period and skimmed through the ten questions with the help of her answer key. She pulled me to the front of the class, interrogating me to ask if I had cheated. I mean, it was Peter Pan, it’s really not that hard to guess what happens. She eventually entertained the idea that it was possible and let me return to my seat. 

Once class dismissed, Mrs. Lane examined my every movement. It bothered me though; she didn’t seem to want me to pass. She seemed like she wanted me to fail. I know this didn’t matter much for me but… what about the other students? 

Do the weakest links always have to be cut or confined? I remember that being issue from my old school, teachers designing tests to be failed, to have material on them they never clarified. It never made a difference to study half the time, if you couldn’t keep up then you were cut out.

Jonah said his goodbyes to me for the day because I had to take care of business involving band practice that afternoon. He left my in the care of Camilla and Jessie.

Camilla patted me on the back as we left class, “Where’re you headed after school?”

I was embarrassed by the shocking face I made that someone actually wanted to hang out with me, “You want to hang out with me?”

“I mean, I guess, nothing big,” she gestured to walk with her to her locker. I followed as I agreed to hang out with her after class. When I asked what we’d be doing she handed me her phone, I read the invitation, “A party? But it’s a school night?”

She closed her locker slightly as she second guessed herself, “Um, no, I believe it’s Friday.”

I jokingly played it off as if I had a sudden memory laps and asked, “Who’s throwing the party?”

“Lilli and Aaron.”

“Lilli? I thought everyone hated her?”

“Well, yah, but a party is a party. And it’s at Aaron’s house, his family is loaded. And besides, Lilli’s friends suck. Aaron needs friends there too.”

I understood her logic. A house full of people just like Lilli against Aaron didn’t seem fair, “Will there be drinking?”

“I don’t know, probably. Why? If mom and dad have an issue with it just tell them you’re sleeping over at my house.”

I smiled a bit that I didn’t have to refer to my parents anymore about anything, then felt a stab of guilt for that excitement, “Oh, my parents will be completely fine with it. They encourage this kind of freedom.” I slapped a wide smile on me to conceal my pinching regret for my choice of words. 

Camilla laughed as she rolled her eyes and closed her locker, “So you are coming to the party tonight?”

I nodded, “I suppose I am!”

“Do you need a ride there or can you manage?”

“I don’t know where to go so I’ll need a ride. When is it tonight?”

“Alright, cool, and it’s at eight pm.”

“Pick me up at the end of the street at seven forty-five?” She gave a confirming nod. 

I looked at one of the hall clocks and saw it was four o’clock. I couldn’t fathom what I would do between four and eight. We got to the parking loop and I realized Jessie must be older than me when she pulled out her car keys. Camilla and Jessie got in the car together. 

Waving goodbye, I stood at the sidewalk and thought of what I could possibly do for the next four hours. I turned towards the woods thinking I could burn time in there, possibly take my aggression out in privacy. 

Little drops of reality made its way out of The Maze in my mind, making its way through me to force me to react to my situation. I just felt so betrayed, and worst of all I was the betrayer. I was most terrified because everything as the grim reaper so far hadn’t been entirely terrible…

Before I took my first step I was at a halt because of triplets standing in my way, “I’m Senson.”

I hesitated, “I’m Noa.”

“We know who you are,” said the boy standing in the middle.

I asked even though I already knew, “And you three are?”

They introduced themselves as Senoi, Samel, and Senson; and they were standing in that exact order. I realized all three of them were standing in the same order that I saw them in at lunch. Identical triplets, their brown skin matched their eyes perfectly and they were all a little less than six feet tall.  Their voices were the only thing that distinguished each other from one another, but their tone had barely any inflection. They looked like young businessmen trying to intimidate the competition. They did not act their age.  

Samel stepped forward from their line, “How are you adjusting to Mortimer Private?”

“Fine… I suppose.” I didn’t understand what their deal was. 

They exchanged looks; clearly they expected me to say more. Samel answered, “Good. Just keep up with your work, don’t waist your time at that party,” no matter how sincere they were trying to act their cold tone did not match.

Annoyed, “What do you three care?”

He ignored my sarcasm, “Lilli Thaddae is not a good… person. Just watch yourself.”

I didn’t like anyone telling me what to do, especially since as the reaper I was nothing for anyone to control, “Lilli? What? Why?”

“Just be smart.”

I began walking backwards on Samel’s last words, “Okay, whatever.” Turning around with an awkward shrug. Heading towards the woods I wondered if I should heed their warning. I never wanted to build any relationship with Lilli but the Gelof triplets scared me into never thinking of it again. But how much harm could she cause? I’m dead. She can go ahead and ruin my social life, it’s not like it mattered anymore. 

I went into the wood and sat on the first stump. My skin was paler than when I was alive. I took off my flannel and tied it around my waist; I noticed two markings on the sides of my shoulders. On the left was a contour drawing of a crow taking flight; on the other side was a symbol I could not make anything of. It wasn’t familiar to me, it resembled some sort of weapon but I couldn’t put my finger on it. 

My mood was calm and for a moment I forgot I was dead; and in that nanosecond I imagined what my mom made for me to eat. My mom. How could I have done this to her? This guilt alone is reason to die a hundred times over. She reached out to me and I pushed her away, even during the times I really wanted her embrace. I never accepted one from her. I suppose I blamed her for putting me in that middle school and still not doing anything about it when I got to my sophomore year of high school. 

When my parents split, I never showed her much of me. We got a long just fine, we were very close over the summers… but during the school year she never listened. I told her, time again and time again, what was wrong and she always told me it would get better… she never went into action. So I guess that’s why I just stopped talking to her all together. But she doesn’t deserve what I’ve thrown on her. Just two years after her divorce she loses her only child. Again, another reason to just hold my breath. Well, if I had a breath to hold. 

I wanted to go home. But I guess I gave that up.

I needed to talk to someone, the only one I knew to talk to was Eliakim. So I did what he said. It wasn’t easy for me though. I grew up in a Christian family but we weren’t much for church or even praying before meals.

I sat up from the stump and folded my arms across the edge as I kneeled. When I rested my forehead on my arms I prayed, “Dear God, please send me the one person I have left, Eliakim.”

I gave it a moment and no sign of response came, “Please God, Eliakim is the only one you gave me!” Still with no response I felt this pit swell in me. I’m losing faith in the safety of my soul. 

What if I’ve been abandoned, but I deserve that, don’t I? 

I already have little faith, I’m pretty sure Lilli somehow like me but apparently she’s not good to associate with, I almost broke that boys neck, and I abused my power. I’ll be left to rot in this life forever. 

I let myself wander the wood as I pondered over how I would change my clothes with no new clothes or money. It felt like it had been a couple hours and no sign of Eliakim. 

Figures, I deserve this.

Dozens of crows eclipsed the sun. Their swarm hurdled toward me, silent and colossal, and they joined together in a large mass. The clump hit the ground making a small black puddle, arose from the puddle was Eliakim.

Eliakim, “You must be patient, Noa.”

I asked the question I kept asking myself, “Eli, how can I change even now that I’m dead? Can the lost really be found?”

Eliakim nodded, complimenting me, “It’s very humble of you to acknowledge you are lost. Many insist they are found as they stray farthest from the truth.” Eliakim started walking, gesturing for me to follow, “It’s okay to be lost, you may feel you’ve fall as far as you can, but ground is a solid foundation to start anew.” We stopped at a fork in the trail, he looked at me, “Change isn’t something that finds you it’s something you create.”

I asked, “What if I can’t create the change I need?”

“You will, give it time. It may seem nonexistent, it may sometimes feel painful. But remember, in this new life, time is your friend.” Eliakim took my hand, “Death isn’t wrong nor is it bad, but there is a time and place for it. Though you feel abandoned, you are loved by God, that’s why God has trusted you with this.”

Eliakim’s eyes were almost celestial, as if I could count the stars with them. And as I marveled at their sincerity I felt warm. 

But that warmth was quickly cooled by my harsh reality finding its way farther out of my mental maze. 

I whispered thank you, but I honestly felt indifferent about his advice. He slowly broke into dozens of doves and my sense of abandonment churned within me. 

I was angry with God and doubted the love Eliakim spoke of. I know Eli wasn’t lying about it… it was just hard to see that love from my situation.

I doubted the possibility of change for myself as well, for what exactly could I become with such a title that is the Grim Reaper? As I stood alone again, a stray crow landed on my shoulder. I let it be as I walked back to towards the school, to the front loop while watching all the crows assemble around me. 

The one on my shoulder crowed as if alerting me of someone approaching. A looked around and saw no one but it kept crowing. I asked it what was wrong; it cocked its head to the side as if thinking of an answer. 

It jumped off my shoulder into a graceful soar. One by one, the crows followed behind it forming a swarm. Before I had time to react the crows flew towards my backside and all, what seemed like fifty, of them stabbed into my back. They knocked me to the ground, making me skid across the dirt. 

I climbed back to my feet and frantically looked to see what they had done, this new weight was hanging from my back. I couldn’t find anything until my hand reached behind me and I touched something sticking out of my back that I had full conscious feeling of. The unknown object hanging off me twitched and the scary part was that it was by my command. 

I decided to calm down and focused on this new piece of me. I heard another twitch and the sound of ruffled feathers. I made a small assumption of what it was and by my command swung open a pair of coal, black wings. 

They were striking, the wingspan of a small van. That solo crow rejoined me again as I offered it my arm to land on.

It fidgeted around and cawed, signaling for me to follow it then taking off towards the sun. I was scared to follow after it but I braved it and took a flight stance. In attempt to imitate a plane taking off I began running with my wings horizontally prepped. It was difficult considering all the trees. I got to the end of the bus loop and leaped as I endeavored my first flap of flight. 

I rose at least fifty feet in that one gust from my wings and I only kept rising the more I swung the feathered sails. All my worries slipped from my bones, I caught a wind current and relaxed on it. The crow rejoined me and I knew it was the same each time because it had purple eyes. I spent the next hour practicing swoops and turning. The crow was a good teacher; I studied its technique and memorized wing patterns for flying. I suppose, the crow was a new friend.

I made it back to the school in time to avoid anyone seeing me, I wasn’t sure yet what Benzion meant when he said it was impossible for me to reveal myself. And even further puzzled over how I was going to hide my wings. Instinct crept in my muscles and I collapsed them, they softly sunk into my ribcage. Just in time too, because Jessie pulled in to pick me up. Seven-fifty already.

Jessie, “Hey, kiddo.” 

“Hey, Jessie,” I pilled in the car and gave a small wave goodbye to the crow.

“Remember, you don’t even have to talk to Lilli. We are just there to keep Aaron company. We’re probably just going to watch a movie anyhow.”

I nodded, asking a question that has itched my mind since my conversation with the Gelof’s, “Right, um, why does Lilli have a reputation of being called the devil?”

Camilla laughed, “She hates everyone, she hates people.”

The rest of the car ride was filled with mindless banter about the students. Which teachers are easy, which students will let me copy off their homework, etc, etc. Jessie was very easy to talk to. She could make clever jokes out of the simplest things.

Jessie jumped back and forth between conversation topics in the car ride and ended by gossiping about some girl who wore too much makeup. It made me nervous to talk about other people, for I may have to reap them. When someone dies suddenly, you realize it never mattered how much make-up they wore.

Tense, I played with my sleeves. Constantly reminded that these were the clothes I died in, and the question of where I would find new clothes every day kept burning my mind. I have no home. 

I had no time to figure a solution since Aaron swung open my door to invite me in for the party. Everything about this town was so cliché, even the parties. Red plastic cups, letterman jackets everywhere, people swimming with their clothes on. I was embarrassed for them. 

I shouted over the crowd, noticing how we were walking away from the house, “Aaron! Where are we going?”

Aaron shouted back over the bass and pointed up, “To the tree house, everyone here is too drunk to try to climb up to it!” 

Aaron took my hand and guided me swiftly through the herd of drunken teenagers. There was a group of boys sunk into a couch with no cushions, trading stories over a shared smoke. 

Salvatore was among them and caught my eye; his smile delivered me to his attention. Which was something I wish dearly I had not given to him since it gave him self-consent to wave at me. Me being my awkward self, I simply squinted my face into a smile. He gave a small smile with a dash of whatever he thought was charming.

I noticed Lilli sitting on the couch armrest opposite of Salvatore. Her stare was fixated on me without a hint of any human emotion. Eyes as wide as snakes. Her lips, thick and dark, as if she used a needle and thread to neatly sow her lips into a small bow. Individually, her facial features were creepy and alarming, but together made a structure that would make a child stare. And all these features were targeting and ready to fire at me. Again, I felt like she knew my secret. I felt exposed. Her snake eyes saw what I was and turned me into her prey. 

I can’t let her know I’m weak to her glare, that even in death I fear her.