Dr Brinstow’s Test

“I knew that it was only a matter of time before Scotland Yard came calling, Inspector”, said Dr Brinstow, showing the man in the grey trenchcoat and the uniformed constable accompanying him into his living room.

The man in the trenchcoat took a seat in one of Dr Brinstow’s antique chairs, resting his small tan, leather briefcase upon his lap while the constable remained standing.

“Well. Dr Brinstow. When I read your latest book, “A study in applied Anthropometrics”, it seemed obvious to me that, should your theories prove correct, they would prove invaluable to us in solving criminal cases”, said the man who had introduced himself as Inspector Barkley, as Brinstow sat opposite upon a leather couch and looked overjoyed at the Inspectors praise, “I mean. According to your book you say that, just by studying a man’s physical appearance you can tell whether or not he is ‘the criminal type’”

“Oh, absolutely inspector”, replied Dr Brinstow, “Infact, I believe that in Italy, anthropologists like Lambroso are already pushing back the boundaries of Criminology”.

“Well, sir. I’m certainly encouraged by your own confidence in your system”, said the inspector, “But before I can be completely convinced of the usefulness of your technique to Scotland Yard, I will have to ask you to submit to a little scientific test”.

Then the man in the trenchcoat opened up the briefcase upon his lap and took out some photographic portraits which he laid out on a coffee table infront of the Doctor, “Examine these three photographs carefully, Doctor, if you will. Two of them are the faces of noted criminals; one a serial murderer and the other a bankrobber with several convictions, the third is a decorated police officer and colleague of mine. I know which is which but I want to know if you, just by using your anthropometric method, can tell me the odd one out. Which the criminals and which the trusted police officer”.

Dr Brinstow then studied the photographs infront of him carefully and as thoughts occurred to him he spoke, “Well, sir. The photograph on the far left is a textbook example of criminal features. Note, the thick lips; the sloping forehead and the bushiness of the eyebrows. I’d say this man is definitely
our murderer, whilst this other man; on the far right, with his narrow and almost slanting eyes as if he had a touch of the oriental in him as well as his small nose; he bares all the hallmarks of our robbers face but the face in the middle; he possesses all those noble anglosaxon features which almost certainly mark him out as a person of integrity”.

The man in the trenchcoat looked stunned, “Sir, if I had not seen it with my own eyes”, he said, “I would not have believed it true but it is true. You have identified both the criminals correctly and my colleague at Scotland Yard will be delighted to know that he possesses those noble anglosaxon features you spoke of”.

Then the inspector rose to his feet, collecting up his photographs once more and, placing them back within his briefcase, continued, “With the help of your astounding theories, Dr Brinstow, I am certain that we have many unsolved cases down at the Yard that will now finally be solved. Please, expect to hear from us within a month or so”.

“Thankyou, inspector”, said the Doctor, shaking the man's hand before showing him and the constable to the door and watching them drive off in a black Hillman Minx.

“Well, that was certainly a triumph”, thought Dr Brinstow, pouring himself a celebratory glass of sherry from a crystal decanter and settling back in his leather armchair to listen to the marvellous Max Lorenz singing “Hoho! Hoho! Hohei!” on his gramophone record player.

But then, something struck the doctor as being not quite right. Where was his blue ming vase and his Rembrandt that was usually on the wall above the fireplace? What the hell had that police constable; the one on his feet, been doing while he’d been looking at those blasted photographs?

It took rather a long time for the real police to arrive and, this time, he insisted on seeing some proper identification.

“Can you describe the men at all, Dr Brinstow?”, asked the genuine inspector who, the Doctor noted, had rather narrow eyes and eyebrows much too close together but then, when he tried to describe the faces of the men who had robbed him, it was strange, because he couldn’t be certain if the faces he was remembering weren’t the ones in the photographs he had been asked to so carefully examine, for he had spent such a long time looking at them and only really glanced briefly at the phony inspector and his uniformed accomplice.

“No, inspector”, he sighed, shrugging his shoulders in defeat, “but I only wish I had spent more time looking at their faces for I’m sure, if I had, I would have undoubtedly known they were the criminal type”.