Kaleg In The Wilderness

“Here come the locals”, thought Kaleg, a Star Merchant from the distant tiny planet of Appelgarp 3, standing upon the ramp of his space cruiser, as he saw the strangely clad, torch bearing men of this strange, uncharted world approaching, “They look kind of primitive. I’m sure they’ll be interested in some of the advanced hardware I have to sell”.

“What manner of devil’s workmanship is this?”, said the black suited puritan minister, banging his wooden walking stick against the side of Kaleg’s space-cruiser.

“Oh!”, said Kaleg, smiling proudly, “You’re interested in my ship. That’s the Galactic Eagle X4, best little space schooner that money can buy, but I’m sorry chief, she’s not for sale; atleast, not if I want to get back home anyway. But I’ve got lots of great stuff inside the hold”.

The black suited, torch carrying men were now starting to surround the space ship. “That’s great! The more customers the merrier”, thought Kaleg, grinning and then, pointing a hand inside his craft, said, “Step right this way, gentlemen. I’ve got stuff inside that’ll knock your socks off”.

“I bet ye have, ye tempter of men’s souls. Ye deceiving serpent”, said the Puritan minister, smirking, “But we are not here to be tempted by your devil’s trinkets. We are here to destroy them and that filthy, flying contraption that ye arrived in”.

“Now, wait a minute”, said the merchant, starting to get worried, “Don’t you fellows understand? I’ve got things in here that’ll revolutionize your entire planet, for example, I’ve got a machine that’ll turn anything into food; rocks, old rubbish, you name it. No one on your planet need ever starve again”.

“Aha! But, is it not written in the book of Matthew “That Satan didst tempt our lord in the wilderness to turn bread into stones and our saviour did say, ‘Man shall not live by bread alone’”.

“Alright! Alright!”, said the Merchant, frantically, “You don’t like that. I’ve got other stuff, like, I’ve got a machine that can predict the future. How about that! It’ll help you predict the weather, the stock market, horse races, anything. It’s an invaluable tool for any developing planet”.

“Nice try, seducer!”, said the minister, laughing, “But is it not written in the book of Deuteronomy, chapter 18, verses 9-14 that they who practice fortune telling are an abomination in the eyes of the lord! Now stand aside, foul creature, whilst we burn your horde of ungodly obscenities”.

“Wait! Wait!”, said the merchant, searching the mind of the minister telepathically to discover something that he valued and needed, then, reaching inside his spaceship he grabbed hold of a broken bit of old wood, “You have passed the test. You are truly godly men and so I give to you something of rare value and true worth, a piece of the cross upon which Jesus, our lord was crucified”.

The Minister took the piece of wood in his hands, “Ahh! Now this truly is a thing of worth!”, said the Minister, smiling and nodding as he inspected it, “How much do ye want for it?”

But the Minister didn’t get an answer, for Kaleg had already scuttled up inside his ship and was preparing for take off, eager to get off of that crazy planet as quickly as possible.

Then, shortly after, once Kaleg’s ship had gotten beyond the Earth’s atmosphere, one of the minister’s men pointed a gloved hand towards the sky.

“Look! ‘Tis a fiery messenger of god!”, he cried and they knelt down to pray as the missile struck and blew them all to pieces.