The Tale of Theodoric

Once, in a castle high up in the tyrolean mountains, there lived a wizard with a gigantic alphorn made out of the horn from the head of a giant unicorn and by blowing through that alphorn the wizard would cause terrible avalanches that would bury travellers in the snow and he would even demand taxes be paid to him by all the nearby villages, threatening that, if they didn’t pay him he would blow through his alphorn and bring down an avalanche so big that it would bury them all.

And one day, the wizard did just that to one of the villages because they refused to pay his taxes. Angrilly he blew through his gigantic horn and it made the mountains shake so violently that not only snow but ice and boulders rolled down onto the heads of the defiant villagers burying them alive.

Only one little baby boy survived, one that had just been born but it would have died if it had not been saved by an old woman who lived in a mountain cave; a witch and taken into her care.

Now the old woman hated the old wizard and had long thought to do something about him but only the destruction of the village had put a new determination in her mind so, placing the baby in a cot she set out with a sack to collect ingredients for a potion.

And first she came to a place where wild mountain goats were grazing and, pointing a stick at them, said, “Which among you will fight me”.

And the goats hearing this all laughed at her and told her to go away but she poked them with her stick and goaded them so much that they became angry then, one of them charging at her tried to knock her off the mountain but lowering her head she charged into him and butted his head so hard that she knocked the goat unconscious.

Now, all the other goats seeing this, thought they would try to knock the old woman off the mountain and they charged at her too but, one by one she butted heads with them and knocked them unconscious.

Only one goat managed to make a bump appear on the old woman’s head and, when she saw this, laughing, she said, “Ha!Ha! You must be the strongest of your herd. You are just what I want” and then, grabbing hold of the goat with one hand she picked it up and hurled it into her sack.

Then, swinging the sack over her back the old woman climbed further into the mountains until she found a cave full of wild cats and calling out to them, asked, “Who among you will fight me”.

Now the wildcats, because they had not eaten for some time, looked at the old woman and licked their lips thinking to eat her and one by one they leapt upon her shrieking and scratching and biting.

But as they did so, one by one, the old woman seized them by the tail and, swinging them round, sent them flying.

Only one of the cats managed to to scratch the old woman with his claws and, seeing the scratch mark upon her face, the old woman said, “Aha! You must be the most ferocious wildcat. You are just what I want”.

And then, wrestling the wildcat with one hand, she hoisted him up in the air and hurled him into her sack then, swinging the sack over her back she continued on her way up the mountains.

And as she climbed up the mountains she came to a nest filled with eagles and, as she had before, she called out to them, “Who among you will fight me”.

And, just as the wildcats had, the eagles looked at her hungrily then, squawking and screeching with laughter, they circled round her head and one by one flew down upon her like feathered lightning however, the old womans right arm was as quick as the mountain wind and, one by one she knocked the attacking eagles out of the air with her walking stick.

Only one of the eagles managed to touch her nose with a feather and when it did, she cried, “Ahh, you must be the swiftest of your flock. You are just what I am looking for”.

And then, grabbing hold of the eagles taloned feet with one hand she pushed the screeching bird into her sack and then, throwing the sack over her shoulder said, “I have all I need now”, before heading back down the mountain to her home.

And, when she got back to her home she tipped her magic sack up into her cauldron and out came the goat; the wildcat and the eagle falling into the pot, then stirring the cauldron she said, “Now I shall make a potion that will make any one as strong as a mountain goat; as ferocious as a wild cat and as swift as an eagle; the perfect qualities for a hero”.

But then, a little eidelweiss that was growing near to her cave peered inside and said, “Don’t forget about virtue. A hero must have virtue”.

“Ahh “, said the old woman, laughing, “You are right little white flower” and, plucking the little eidelweiss from the ground she threw it into the pot aswell.

Then, when her potion had bubbled for at least an hour, she scooped it up with a soup ladel and poured some of it into the mouth of the infant she had rescued and the moment that she did the baby boy began to grow; his arms and legs becoming muscular and long until, suddenly, he was not a baby anymore but a full grown man.

“Good”, she said, with satisfaction in her voice, “You will make the perfect hero to defeat that old wizard and I shall call you Theodoric”.

Now weeks past and the old woman tried to teach Theodoric how to be a man and because she had little time to teach him how to speak, she boiled up a dictionary in her cooking pot and poured a potion of learning into his ear that made him all at once a fluent speaker of German.

Unfortunately, the wizard, shaking up a magic snowglobe that he possessed and peering into it saw everything that the old woman had done and, determined to foil her plans, the wizard plucked a long hair from his snow white beard and turned it into a dragonet; one of that breed of small dragons only found in Switzerland then, pointing said to the dragonet, “Go and kill Theodoric, I command you”.

And, flying from one of the balconies of the wizards castle, the dragonet flew, flapping its large bat like wings, to the home of the old woman .

Fortunately, the old woman had brewed up a sword potion and dipping her walking stick into the potion when she pulled it out again it had turned into a sword made of hardest steel then she handed it to Theodoric.

“Now remember”, she said, “That you are no ordinary man. You have the swiftness of an eagle; the ferociousness of a wild cat and the strength of a mountain goat. Go and fight the dragonet”.

But Theodoric, because he was like a child in a man’s body and had never fought any one before except the old woman, was afraid.

“Why don’t you fight it mother?”, he asked, “You are so strong”.

“Out of the question”, said the old woman, “You have to learn to face your fears”.

And so the old woman cast a spell upon Theodoric, “Each time you try to run away from what you fear, Theodoric. You will only run towards it”, she said, sprinkling some magical dust upon his head.

Then, grabbing hold of Theodoric in a grip of iron she thrust him out of the cave and into the light to face the dragonet.

Now seeing the ugly, fierce looking flying beast coming towards him, Theodoric started to tremble like a coward which made the dragonet laugh; a deep, hissing sort of laughter that only made Theodoric tremble twice as much.

Then the beast blew out fire and, feeling only the tip of one of the dragonets flames, Theodoric lost his nerve and started to run.

When he did however, to Theodorics astonishment, instead of getting further away from the dragonet he ran round in a circle and ended up bumping into the dragonet with his sword.

“Agggh!”, he screamed in panic turning round and trying to run again.

But again he only ran right back into the dragonet.

“I cannot run”, he said, “What can I do?”.

“You can stand and fight”, said the old woman calling to him from the cave, “And if you do you will win”.

So, summoning up all his nerve, and with a battle cry empty of hope, Theodoric charged against the dragonet, swinging his sword for all it was worth and when he did he saw the blade of the sword hack into the dragonet and cut off its right ear and the dragonet cried in pain.

Now seeing this, because he was still an innocent boy inside, Theodoric felt sorry for the dragonet and started to apologize.

“Oh I’m sorry”, he said, “That looked like it must have hurt”.

But the dragonet did not appreciate Theodorics concern.

“Not as much”, it said, “As I am going to hurt you”.

That is when Theodoric learned that there are some upon whom kindness is wasted for the dragonet only leapt upon him and left a stinging gash with its claws.

And feeling that pain, all Theodorics sympathy for the beast left him and instead he felt anger then using his strength to hurl the beast off of him he charged at it, this time with deadly intent and then, because he had the swiftness of the eagle in his right hand he pierced the dragonet three times within the heart before the beast could move a claw.

Now, a blood spring gushing from the three wounds in its heart and dyeing the snowy ground round about it red, the beast could not summon enough energy to rise again and so it closed its scaly eyelids and its fiery breath ceased.

“Bravo”, said the old woman excitedly, seeing that the boy had killed the dragonet, “I told you, you would win. A dragonet cannot kill a boy who was born to slay dragons”.

Then the old woman grabbed the dead dragonets body by the tail and, with a swing of the sword she cut it into three segments before carrying them into her cave and throwing them into the sword potion.

Then when she pulled the head of the dragonet out again it was a steel warriors helmet and when she pulled the body out again it was a suit of armour and when she pulled the dragonets tail out again it was a shining sword.

“But I have a sword already, don’t I?”, asked Theodoric bewildered.

“Ahh but a sword made from a dragonets tail is no ordinary sword”, said the old woman holding the magical blade aloft, “This is a Swiss warrior sword; every kind of weapon whenever it is needed”.

Then, with a wish she made the sword change, first into a battle axe, then into a shield; then into a bow and arrow and then back into a sword.

Then she handed the hilt of the sword to Theodoric and he examined it with wonder.

“With a weapon like this I’m sure to win”, he said.

“It is not the weapon but the man who wields it that brings victory”, said the old woman.

But then she ordered Theodoric to sleep and he lay down although now it was hard to sleep because his head was full of dreams of adventure.

But when he awoke, in front of him, Theodoric, to his amazement saw not the old woman but a strange beast with the horns of a goat, the claws of a wild cat and the wings of an eagle and, on its back, a saddle of silver and gold.

“Where is my mother?”, he asked.

“I am her”, said the creature, “But a warrior needs a beast to ride upon. Especially when he has to reach a castle built upon a mountaintop”.

Then the creature told Theodoric to climb upon its back and spreading wide its eagle wings and springing upwards with the agility of a wildcat, the beast took to the air.

And raising up the Swiss Warrior Sword, Theodoric practiced fighting by cutting clouds in two.

But the Wizard was not idly waiting all this time for he had looked into his magic snow globe and seen Theodoric defeat the Dragonet and now, watching Theodoric flying up the mountain on the back of the strange beast, he unleashed another of his magical weapons.

Winding up a magical cuckoo clock with 13 hours upon its face, he turned the minute and the hour hand of the clock by whirling his own two hands in the air until the hands were both pointed to the thirteenth hour and then, out of the door in the front of the cuckoo clock came not one cuckoo; not two or three but a thousand and each cuckoo was a mechanical bird with a beak and sharp talons of steel.

“Little cuckoos swift and deadly, fly and peck Theodoric and that beast to shreds”, he commanded.

And then, out of his castle window, flew the thousand cuckoos, singing “Cukoo! Cuckoo!” all at once so that their singing was as loud as a roar; flapping their mechanical wings and snapping their beaks like traps.

And seeing the deadly flock flying towards them, the strange beast that was the old woman in disguise warned Theodoric, “Make your sword a crossbow, Theodoric, a crossbow with a thousand bolts”.

And wishing, Theodoric turned the magic transforming sword into a crossbow and then aiming it at the flock off cuckoos and shooting six bolts at a time, he knocked the fiercesome birds out of the air and those he did not hit, the flying creature ate or melted with a fiery breath till, before long, the roaring of their united cuckoo voices was reduced to a solitary ‘Cuckoo’ and the last bird, frightened, fled back to the wizards castle and flew back inside its clock.

But then looking ahead of him, Theodoric saw the wizard standing on the mountain and then he saw the wizards arms multiply so that they looked as many as the limbs upon an oak tree and then, bending down, the wizard picked up a hundred rocks and began hurling them towards him.

“Quick”, said the flying beast, talking in the voice of the old woman, “Quick, Theodoric. Turn your sword into a shield”.

Then, with a wish, Theodoric turned the magic transforming weapon that had been a crossbow into a shield and, raising it up infront of his head he deflected the oncoming volley of sharp stones and, though each one was easily big enough to knock a man’s head from his shoulders and though they hit the shield with all the force of cannonfire, still the hero was unharmed.

But then, once the deadly rain of stones had passed, Theodoric lowered his shield and he did so just in time to see the Wizard transforming again, this time into a Lindworm or giant wingless dragon.

And then, the flying creature landing upon the mountain side with all the precision and grace of a cat landing upon its feet, Theodoric dismounted and, wishing, turned his sword into a harpoon.

“You’ve only been swatting at flies until now, boy”, said the dragon with a voice like the earth splitting, “But I am more than someone like you can handle. Give up and go home or you will be buried on this mountain with your sword transformed into a headstone”.

But Theodoric was now starting to feel like a hero and, whirling the harpoon round, replied, “I cannot run away because the old woman who raised me placed a spell upon me that means I must always stand and fight and I do not want to run away because the old woman also told me how you destroyed my village and killed my real family and the hate I feel for you is stronger than any…”.

The dragon did not wait for Theodoric to finish speaking,

“No more words”, it roared, “From now on I will only speak to you in fire”.

And then, its gigantic chest expanding so that it billowed first as broadly as a sail and then as broadly as the keel of a galleon, the dragon breathed out an inferno against him.

But pulling down the visor of his helmet that, because it had been pulled out of the old womans cauldron, could withstand the heat of a dragons fire, the hero stood his ground and then, once the monster had run out of flaming breath to bombard him with, Theodoric raised up his harpoon and hurled it and, because Theodoric had not just the swiftness but also the eye of an eagle, the harpoon struck the lindworm dead in the centre of its heart and it went so deep that it ran the dragon right through, its bloody end protruding from the monsters scaly back.

But, even with a harpoon through its heart the dragon was laughing,

“Ha!”, it said, “This is just a flesh wound to me. When I pull this harpoon out my wounds will heal up and then the blow that I strike you with really will be fatal”

And to Theodoric’s dismay, then he saw the dragon begin pulling the harpoon out.

But then the flying beast calling to him  in the old woman’s voice said, “Quick, Theodoric. Wish the harpoon split at both ends”.

And then, as the dragon was trying to pull out the harpoon from itself both ends of the harpoon split in two and curled round like the end of an anchor so that, no matter how the dragon pulled he could not pull the harpoon out nor could he dislodge it by pushing it and because he could not take out the harpoon the wound in his heart could not heal and he kept bleeding until, weakened the dragon collapsed, falling with the weight of a stone tower upon the ground and then, losing all the blood within it, the monster died.

Theodoric could not believe that the battle was over and that he had won but then, the flying beast turning back into the old woman she hobbled over to him and threw her arms around him.

“I knew you could do it”, she said, “Your family and your village would be so proud of you”.

And all the people of the mountain, when they heard what Theodoric had done, were proud of him and now, instead of causing avalanches, the wizards giant alphorn was blown to call all the people of the villages together to celebrate his heroic deeds.