Grimm - Cherry -reviewed - minor edit -11 - 3 - 2019

I wasn't told why I was given the job to bring you Humans up to speed on Nursery Rhyme Land. But the memo followed by a text came right from that bitch Mother Goose. You may think otherwise, (frankly I don't give a flying duck) but she's a real piece of work that one, and she runs the place.

If want to get along, then you go along. Otherwise, you'll find yourself pulling a Humpty, getting your brains scrambled and falling off a wall. So suck it up, and let's move on.

Here's me moving on. At some point, after you've squeezed out a kid or two or three. You delude yourselves into thinking you're fulfilling your parental obligations by buying a book of fairy tales to read to them.

Let me pose a question. Ever read the original Brothers Grimm, before they watered it down? Probably not. Because if you did, read it to them in its original, unedited form, it wouldn't be "Sweet dreams."  - before you closed the bedroom door. It'd be something more along the lines of; "Watch out for that Ax murderer from Red Riding Hood", and "Don't let the Bed bugs from Princess and the Pea bite, they'll strip the flesh off your body in under 5."

My first suggestion, avoid the kid thing altogether. Get a heater or an electric blanket for those cold nights. Dad you may also want to consider tying it in a knot.

My second suggestion, buy goldfish. When they shit the bed you flush and get another. As an added bonus they have a three-second attention span, and never need help with Algebra. So you can largely ignore them.

Many adult humans have an attention span of nine seconds. "Duh which way did they go?" So you can largely ignore them too.

Moving forward let's look at the list. Just a few names in no particular order. Should we start at the top, the bottom, the middle?

WTF. What am I thinking? You don't get a vote. So I'll just start wherever suits my fancy.

First and foremost, I give you Puss N Boots. He's a shylock. Not sure what that is? Well, I'm feeling generous, so here's a hint. Borrow a buck, payback three. Drag it out, payback six.

Make no mistake, that cat may be a pussy. But his posse is anything but. Stroke his fur the wrong way, and you'll find yourself getting introduced to two of the nastiest pieces of work roaming Nursery Land. The brothers Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum.

Does anyone remember Wee Willie Winkle? He liked to gamble that bugger, and he was not very good at it. I have it on good authority he wasn't running around town in his nightgown just to tell folks and they're kids it was Eight O Clock.

The fact of the matter is he was being chased by the brothers and thought he'd be safe by drawing attention to himself. He was wrong. And the nightgown thing. Some people believe he was entertaining and grabbed the wrong piece of clothing when he ran out of the door. That's a load of Ogre dung. He was a crossdresser. Anyway, that's the last anyone heard of him, so we'll leave it at that.

Who's next? That would be Little Miss Muffett. According to this, she's spending entirely to much time sitting on her Tuffet, when she should be working it. Get my drift?

Peter, Peter Pumpkin Eater. That's a misnomer if I ever heard one. Little light in the loafers that one. Should be Pumpkin, Pumpkin Peter eater. Enough said.

Jack and Jill. Here's one that needs a serious rewrite. Should read. Jack and Jill went up the hill. Both carried a buck and a quarter, Jill came down with $2.50, and Jack was smiling ear to ear. Do you seriously think they went up there for water?

Old Mother Hubbard. Fence. That cupboard only looked bare.

The Little Old lady who lived in a shoe. That's one fertile Old Bird. Just look at her cross-eyed and she conceives.

Jack be Nimble. Jack be quick. (Cripes who writes this stuff?) Actually he wasn't...Quick that is. Should have used a flashlight.

After that little stunt with the candle. He lost the family jewels and had to change his name to Jacqueline.

Little Jack Horner. Pervert. It wasn't his thumb he stuck in that Christmas pie. He's doing three to five. Not surprised are you?

Little Bo Peep. Put it this way. It wasn't just sheep she fleeced.

Hey Diddle Diddle. Little complicated. Seems Dish and Spoon were having an affair. Cow caught them at it and decided to try his hoove at blackmail. He should have stuck to chewing his cud. Spoon doesn't play that game, and it didn't end well.

The cow didn't jump over the moon. Not in a physical sense. It was the smoke from the BBQ he was guest of honor at that drifted up.

Ring around the Rosie. Who the hell thought this was a good idea?

First off its subject to interpretation and there's a lot of variations floating around out there.

Supposedly it was written about and to describe the Great Plague in England circa 1665. The symptom for this disease a Rosy rash.

As to the rest. Posies were carried for protection, and more importantly to ward off the freaking smell of the disease.

Sneezing or coughing always proved fatal. Insofar as "All fall down." The author should have added one more line which read, and never got back up.

I ask you who in their right mind would write something like this and try to pass it off as a Kids Rhyme?

The smart money is on Grimm's. Maybe a distant Grimm cousin, or relative. Who knows? In my opinion, anyone even remotely connected to the Grimm family is nuttier than a shit house rat.

That was the last one. Well last on this list anyway. I know there's a lot more rhymes, fables and whatnot out there. But this is all Mother left for me.

I hope mother liked my presentation because I don't feel like getting goosed. Well, I'm out of here. Heading to the local pub for a beer and whatever comes my way. Maybe we'll see ya again. But don't count on it.