He is watching you

Day one. Anna speaks to God in the diary
room: He wants me to tell Endemol: He’s upset
about the brazen single-sex flirting.
And he thinks that this week’s task
(to eat all meals off another housemate’s body)
is in poor taste. Also, He’d like to see Grant evicted.

Day seven. Anna is favourite to be evicted.
While she showers, Maria reads Anna's diary
aloud in a mock-Irish accent: “I can’t get my body
clean. I feel so alone. Something has upset
the balance of good and evil.” They failed the task:
Grant drank soup from Anna’s collar bones. “Quit flirting!”

she yelled, flush with shame. “I wasn’t flirting,”
he said. “I’m just a messy eater.” Anna was evicted
on an evening with no weather. Their next task
was to invent and shoot their own TV show. Oh diary
me? A game of anonymous hate. Contestants try to upset
each other by sending spiteful text messages. Anybody

who cries, loses. Grant is host/narrator: “…I think of your body
to stop me cumming too early? And who wrote: Flirting
with Arthur is like giving soup to a tramp? Uh oh, Arthur’s upset.
I’m afraid you’re out of the game. Who wrote: Evicted
is too good for Indu; I’d have her family lynched? Oh diary
me! Someone’s got angry!” Needless to say: they won the task.

Day twenty-one: the Bollinger arrives. The next task:
drink only champagne. Day twenty-two: everybody
agrees that clothes are no longer necessary. The diary
room is used for private dances and other, low-key flirting.
Grant has renamed the show Big Brothel. No-one’s evicted
this week but Anna is brought back in. “God is not upset

about your nudity,” she says. “God says this is natural. He’s upset
about the promiscuity.” Anna dyes her hair grey. There’s no final task.
After a few months, everyone but Anna and Grant are evicted.
They play Scrabble in the garden. Anna makes FLIRTING,
for eighty-six. Viewing figures dwindle. Grant looks old. The diary

room eye winks off. “Grant's my diary,” she says. Too tired to be upset,
he agrees. “Flirting is dishonesty,” she says, “let’s get married.” Tasks
are split. Her body is his body, his body hers. They never get evicted.