Elastic

By Alaw

Wed, 18 Jun 2008
  • 1008 reads
5 comments
 

Elastic you are
stretch away and snap back
Leave a sting of
Fuck that
from your sharp switch blade moods
which expertly confuse
and from feeling quite soothed
I crack.

One instant you paint
a warm Constable scene
of a future
I’d dreamed
then the next you are mute
so arctic, aloof
and I’m now in pursuit
of what seemed.

My skin gathers
to frown
as you coolly avow
that this is just
how you are
That this is the way
You intend to stay:
A lover I'll hold from afar.

Certificate U
Humour

Comments

Submitted by jennifer on
Love this: 'then the next you are mute so arctic, aloof and I’m now in pursuit of what seemed.' Very well put... Not sure that the last stanza rhymes too easily? Prefer the first two.

 

Submitted by onemorething on
Yes, first two stanzas are brilliant! I agree with Jennifer though - I am a bit uncertain about the last...I like 'coolly avow that this is just how you are' so I don't think you should scrap it, perhaps just tweak some of it.

 

Submitted by Dynamaso on
I love the opening stanza. 'from your sharp switch blade moods which expertly confuse' This resonates particularly well for me. Maybe a little tweaking to the third is in order but nonetheless, I really liked this.

 

Submitted by Alaw on
Thank you! Yep,it was the last stanza I wasn't entirely sure of myself. I do want a slightly different rhyme scheme but will have a ponder and twak over it. Thanks for the comments. They're helpful and constructive as ever.

Submitted by Alaw on
I've fiddled with the last stanza. Think i may have lost some of the humour but it seems to flow better. Mmm, see this is why I avoid rhyme!