See My Failure

Cherry

By chelseyflood

Wed, 06 Aug 2008
  • 1877 reads
6 comments
 

You are so beautiful
when you talk about being attacked
when you were young
I sympathise with your attacker.

Just for a second.

You are so beautiful
I want to put all my eggs
in your basket
even though I know the pain
it would cause.

For me.

You are so beautiful
when we get to know each other
I think,
wow,
I am talking to this person

All the time.

While you think,
this person has big calves and features
that are average.

Probably.

You are so beautiful that
you say people are wonderful
and smile
not realising that they hate you
through no fault of your own.

You are so beautiful
I want to lose my virginity to you
even though my virginity
is sooo last century.

You are so beautiful
I don't want you to know
it is hard for me to be friends with you
because deep down I know
your personality would probably
beat mine
in a race.

You are so beautiful.
I look at you and
see my failure.

You are so beautiful.

I look at you.

Certificate PG
Poem
Broken up prose
Love

Comments

Submitted by onemorething on
Excellent, completely sums up what it's like to feel average around someone who seems 'perfect'. Reminded me a bit of 'Creep' in subject matter.

 

Submitted by ralph on
I'd like to know the real intention behind this poem. It reads very well, almost to the point of being frightening. Where the writer states that, 'I sympathise with your attacker'. Is that from the writer, or is it someone or something else who is taking the view? If it is the former, then the writer may be revealing too much and the line between fine writing and genuine concern may have been breached. If it is the latter (which I suspect), then it is a powerful piece and brilliantly executed. Writing eh? The mysteries it throws up. Ralph

 

Submitted by Dynamaso on
I really like this, particularly some of the self-deprecating statements like; 'deep down I know your personality would probably beat mine in a race.' I know this well.

 

Submitted by chelseyflood on
Thanks for your comments Doeslittle, Ralph and Dynamaso. It's all the narrator's p.o.v. Ralph, so maybe the line between fine writing and concern has been breached!? Am I sick?

Submitted by Leonie on
yes. SICK no, you're not. i don't think it's that weird, i know where it's coming from but it might come across as a little dark, particularly as it's the introductory stanza. if it came a little later, after you've set the - wry, witty - tone then i think you'd get away with it. it's a daring line though, i don't think you should lose it. ralph will be fine.

Submitted by Leonie on
also, i don't think you need the last two lines. end it on failure. if you end it with 'i look at you', it does start to sound a bit much. unless you want that. this is really great though, i like the one line stanzas. x