Jennifer’s Crimbo Ditty (to be sung whilst inebriated)

Jennifer’s Crimbo Ditty (to be sung whilst inebriated) (13th Dec 2008, 6.44pm)

I don’t want a lot for Christmas,
I’ve been through enough before;
last year Santa left me reeling,
stockinged, lonely, on the floor…

I fed Rudolf milk and carrots,
then we polished off the sherry;
soon we were clutching tight the tree,
feeling more than slightly merry;

Oh, I can’t stand the turkey dinners,
relations arguing all day long
and spending next year getting thinner,
for chocolates can’t be prolonged;

No, I don’t want a lot for Christmas:
I’ll keep my money for the sales;
I’m just craving the party season:
Kisses, champagne, and cocktails;

so hold the mistletoe and the holly,
put the tinsel back inside the box,
leave the presents wrapped and lovely;
do I really need any more socks?

Root out the high heels and mascara,
call the boys from down the road,
throw on fake fur over our dresses,
just in case it begins to snow!

I don’t want a lot for Christmas,
just a drink with my best friends;
whirling, dizzy on the dance-floor
to Slade, Mariah and other anthems;

hold the white sauce and the brandy,
throw the sprouts at next door’s cat,
pass the vodka and make it snappy;
we’ll drink, not eat to make us fat;

start the record-player spinning,
drag the boys out on the floor;
set the Christmas sleigh-bells ringing;
some traditions ain’t so flawed!

I don’t want a lot for Christmas
since Santa baby broke my heart;
so, ABC-ers, raise your glasses:
I’ll rewrite Christmas from the start!

Jennifer Pickup