Brian

Brian, my work colleague, can be a nice guy;
but...
And there is always a BUT...

He can also be very annoying!

You see, Brian’s problem is that he is an expert in everything...
Even the bleedin obvious!!! (Thanks Monty Python)

Back seat driver extraordinaire;
Life guru;
Amateur Marriage guidance councillor;
Wannabe sex therapist.

While at work, being cleansed by Brian’s words
of wisdom ranging from politics, to how many sheets of toilet
paper one should use, I remembered that my wife was waiting
in that day for our new fridge to be delivered, and at about 10am,
the delivery driver rang me.

Me - ‘Hello’

Driver - ‘Alright mate? ‘

Me - ‘Er...yes, fine thanks, and you? ’

Silence...

Me - ‘Hello?’

Driver – ‘Yeh, alright mate?’

Me – ‘Yes, can I help you?’

Driver – ‘I got yer fridge!’

Me – ‘Ahh great, and are you there?’

Driver – ‘Where?’

Me – ‘Well... at my house of course!?’

Long pause...

Driver – ‘You got a boat, right?’

Me –‘Sorry?’

Driver –‘Why what’s happened?’

Me –‘No, I meant... pardon.’

Driver – ‘I SAID, YOU GOT A BOAT, RIGHT?’

Me – ‘You don’t have to shout! I said pardon because I’m confused!
Why do you keep asking me about boats?’

Driver – ‘I’m just sayin... you know... about your boat... in the drive!’

I take a long deep breath...

Me –‘Right... lets start again;
You are delivering a fridge, aren’t you?’

Driver –‘Yes!’

Me –‘And you are saying that you can see a boat in my drive?

Driver –‘yes!’

Me –‘well... I don’t have a boat in my drive!’

Driver –‘Ha ha, well i’ve got news for you mate, ha, ha,ha, you have!
It’s right in front of me, in your drive!’

Me –‘THAT’S NOT MY FUCKING DRIVE!!!’

Silence...

Driver –‘ I’m at the wrong house... aren’t I!’

Me –‘Yes... You are at the wrong house!’

During this very long and extremely exhausting conversation, Brian had noticed my distress, and had zoned in, hovering around me with his hands on his hips.

As I tried to explain to the driver where to go, Brian, who was now standing in front of me, started waving his arms about, speaking over me, giving directions...

Yes, that’s right...

Directions to MY OWN BLOODY HOUSE!!!

As I watched his mouth move at a rate of motion never witnessed before;
sound turned to silence;
my mouth fell open;
my arm, holding the phone, swang away from my ear...

Brian pounced on this opportunity, snatching the phone from my limp
submissive wrist, and, while pacing backwards and forwards, proceeded
to give the driver directions to my home.
Once finished, he handed my phone back to me, and numb with shock I took it.

Brian –‘If you wanted a fridge, you should have asked...

my cousin sells em!’

I Give up!!!