JEALOUS OF A DOORFRAME?

Let me ask you something. Do you think it possible a fellow could be jealous of a doorframe? Granted, a length of untreated timber destined to serve as an unseen batten behind a sheet of plasterboard might conceivably feel envious towards a piece of French-polished oak proudly on display as a doorjamb, but could an outwardly normal, sane human being actually be jealous of an actual doorframe?

If you think the answer is a resounding “no!!” then it is my dubious pleasure to introduce you to Mr Dominic Green, possibly the only man in the history of human relationships to suffer the aforementioned emotional affliction. Mind you, “Green” by name truly is green by nature and his uncontrolled feelings of jealousy have been triggered throughout his forty-seven years by many an illogical incident.

That said the instigation for his current bout of irrational and, let’s be honest, puerile jealousy beats the competition hands down. At the risk of a monumental digression let me give you an example or five from the remainder of the field.

When he was six Dominic, the son of an Irish Catholic mother, made his first confession. Terrified by thoughts of eternal damnation he sat in the pew awaiting his turn in the confessional, running through all his past misdemeanours, trying to decide what sins he should bring to the table. Pinching and biting babies in prams? No, too shameful. Watching his fifteen year old sister Julie through the bathroom keyhole? Nothing worth confessing there and besides which it was fast becoming one of his favourite past times. Using the “f” word? Hardly worth mentioning.

Then it came to him, he would fess up to the ‘unintentional’ theft of his school friend’s toy replica of “Thunderbird 2”! Of course, in his opinion his friend should never have brought it to school in the first place. Dominic’s parents had never bought him such a great toy, it was no wonder he was jealous; he wanted it, he stole it. In his defence he did feel guilty afterward and worried his mum would find the proceeds of his crime he soon disposed of it. However, if he couldn’t have it neither could his friend; “Thunderbird 2” was tragically lost beneath the murky waters of the local canal, there were no survivors.

Ten ‘Our Father’s and ten ‘Hail Mary’s later his sin was expunged and his soul was ready to be blackened anew. There’s a lot to be said for Catholicism.

When he was ten Dominic’s eighteen year old brother Jason, twin sibling of the continuing object of his voyeuristic delight, took him for a ride on his brand new Honda 400cc motorcycle; ten minutes later they crashed. Missed by a matter of centimetres by an oncoming car, Dominic suffered only minor cuts and a slight concussion; Jason, however, was not so lucky. The car ploughed right into him, breaking both legs, his pelvis, his right arm, several ribs, his nose and three front teeth. Was Dominic relieved at his own narrow escape? Was he horrified by Jason’s injuries? Was he full of sympathetic concern? Was he heck! His only emotion was green-eyed resentment at the attention lavished upon his unfortunate brother.

I guess these two incidents may already have convinced you of Dominic’s unsavoury nature, but there’s more. While at university he beat up his girlfriend Stephanie, also a student, because he became convinced her roommate was a predatory lesbian who had lured Steph away from him. The irony of it all was the roommate was heavily into men having already slept with half the faculty, Dominic included! What was sauce for the gander was so out of the question for the goose.

Although a personal tragedy as far as Stephanie was concerned this was not the saddest manifestation of Dominic’s jealous nature. In his late thirties he became close friends with a fellow senior partner at the law firm he worked for. Although he and she both had their separate long term marriages they were as close as two non-lovers could be, leaning on each other physically and emotionally whenever the need arose. The friend had suffered for a long time from depression, including, towards the end of their friendship, first a minor and then a major nervous breakdown. During the hiatus between these two events it became clear that enforced early retirement was looming large on the horizon. Instead of offering support and comfort to his professed “best friend” Dominic instead grew distant and aloof, jealous, yes jealous, that she might soon retire. To him it mattered not that her mental health problems would continue beyond her retirement, as continue they did, right to the point where she took her own life. That was really something to be jealous of.

That brings us neatly back to the doorframe…almost. A former partner once came down at three in the morning to find Dominic sitting in front of the television crying like a teenage lover cast aside for another. He was watching “Pretty Woman”, the same DVD the two of them had been watching together earlier that evening when he had suddenly thrown a strop and stormed out of the house. Why the strop and why the jealous tears in the middle of the night? Because his partner had admitted, quite casually, to fancying Richard Gere!

So I ask you again: do you think it possible a fellow could be jealous of a doorframe? If that fellow should just so happen to be Dominic Green then the answer is a resounding “yes!!”

Let us move on to the actual incident. For the record it took place on October 17th 2009, the night Dominic Green threw everything away; his wife, his family, his career, everything. All because he was jealous of a doorframe.

Before we judge to harshly, let us look at the incident from his perspective. The doorframe in question framed (as it would) the open front door to the home of one Carly Sanders, a key prosecution witness in a recent case handled, for the defence, not just by Dominic’s law firm but by Dominic himself. She was nineteen, red headed, tall, slim… and an absolute gymnast between the sheets.

Dominic was looking at the infamous doorframe from the side window of his car parked less than six feet away, close enough to see the dried splashes of semen on the soft, naked flesh of Carly’s shapely thigh as she waved him off. Those splashes were testament to another less than savoury personality trait; stubbornness. He’d suddenly decided never to wear a condom, demanding his right as a “real man” to ride his lady bareback; Carly however refused point blank to let him leave his calling card anywhere inside of her.

For her part Carly was leaning against the doorjamb, front side on. Her left leg was raised, resting against the wall adjacent to the door, as was her left arm. The man’s shirt she was wearing was open, revealing her breasts pushing against the frame. Her crotch, its delights once more hidden by the light material of her panties, was likewise thrust against it. Uncomfortable? Quite likely. Sexy? Most definitely.

Dominic cared nothing for her comfort or her disposition. He merely felt jealous; it was he who should be enjoying that close contact with her body, not a bloody doorframe! That he should feel any jealousy in this situation was quite ironic, it was he after all who had a wife and family waiting for him at home. Indeed, it was because of them he now had had to leave.

He revved the car’s engine and sped away, his thoughts consumed by senseless, mindless envy. So distracted was he, he completely missed the first red traffic light he came too. When he awoke in the hospital two days later his injuries were the least of his worries, he was about to pay the price for making someone else jealous, in this case rightfully so.

“Dominic darling?” asked his wife in that deceptively gentle tone that speaks loudly of choppy waters ahead. “If you were working late at the office, how did you crash your car at exactly the same time, eighty miles away?”

COPYRIGHT DM PAMMENT 27th MARCH 2010