I've..

By Beeme

Wed, 14 Apr 2010
  • 3657 reads
20 comments
 

I've seen unending darkness engulf a human body,
that's not what I'm writing about because sometimes it's better to bury unwanted memories in the back pocket of your brain and never let them out.

Today the mind is tangled with its own thoughts.
Such as; what should I put on my toast? , how much
money do I need to save before I can book that long awaited holiday.

I've felt frustration seep into the marrow of my bones but I've learnt to control that monster because it's better to train certain emotions to breath quietly, helps keep negativity down.

Today the mind is tangled with its own thoughts.
Such as; what's in the stars today? What is the weather going to be like?

I've known something awful take hold of someone's soul and never let go but it's better to deny that knowledge, as history is a magnet for repeating itself.

Today the mind is tangled with its own thoughts.
Such as; do they really love me? Will I have time to go shopping?

Certificate U
Miscellaneous

Comments

Submitted by Insertponceyfre... on
I really like the juxtaposition of mundane and the not so mundane. I also think you should go for marmite. xx

 

Submitted by Silver Spun Sand on
Beeme - I really like this. As insert...says you have used contrast well here. Just a minor point. You have three 'its' that need to be it's. I.e. where you are abbreviating 'it is' for it's. The first is in the second line, ie. 'it's better'. The second is in the third stanza, second line, ie 'because it's better' and the third is in the fifth stanza, second line 'but it's better'. The last stanza is particularly strong, where again you have used good contrast, between the spiritual and everyday musings:- "Today the mind is tangled with its own thoughts. Such as; do they really love me? Will I have time to go shopping?" Really like this, Beeme and by the way I should plump for honey;-) Tina xx

 

Submitted by Beeme on
Thank you Insert, I'm glad you enjoyed and that it works. Thank you for your suggestion of Marmite, sounds yummy indeed ;) Beeme xx

k.

Submitted by Beeme on
Thank you Tina, I have changed the three 'its' to 'it's' thank you for spotting them. I'm glad you enjoyed, unfortunately I don't like honey ;) Beeme XX

k.

Submitted by rjnewlyn on
Marmite and honey together then (few have probably lived to tell the tale). Very good this - the flitting between dark and light is deftly achieved. It's normally something you associate with romantic-era symphonies and lends itself to the quick mood changes that music can evoke - I've not seen it done so well in poetry.

 

Submitted by Beeme on
Hmm marmite and honey together...;) Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed this. Beeme xx

k.

Submitted by MistakenMagic on
I too love how wonderfully you've entwined everyday life with the deeper thoughts which makes for brilliant comic reading! Especially the final stanza! Well done ;) Magic xxx

 

Submitted by Beeme on
Thank you so much Magic, I'm glad you enjoyed this so much :) Beeme xx

k.

Submitted by Kahdai on
Aaw Beeme, dont let yourself be haunted down with the past & frustration. Something I think you might want changing to, I have & it is, would make it slower rythem & more serious, I don't know if you want that though & One thing may make better sense, 'better to deny that knowledge, as history is a magnet for repeating itself,' just add a comma, hope that what you meant. Reading this was sad for me, sounds like my everyday, usually just toast, money, weather, stars, love, time, tangled with my memory. I like it anyway, because it very good. K xx

"I will make sense with a few reads \^^/ "

Submitted by maggyvaneijk on
I love your use of repetition, this piece of writing really flows.

 

Submitted by Beeme on
Thank you so much for the comment Kahdai, I have added a comma where you suggested. I want to keep I have and it is but thankyou for the suggestion again. Awwh I hope you weren't too sad reading this x I'm glad you enjoyed :) Beeme xx

k.

Submitted by Beeme on
Thankyou very much Maggyvaneijk :D Beeme xx

k.

Submitted by Beeme on
Thankyou very much Maggyvaneijk :D Beeme xx

k.

Submitted by Beeme on
Thankyou very much Maggyvaneijk :D Beeme xx

k.

Submitted by Beeme on
Thankyou very much Maggyvaneijk :D Beeme xx

k.

Submitted by shoe on
I enjoyed this very much, like the idea of emotions breathing quietly, under control, the whole poem has a desperate "trying to get through the day" quality. liked this bit especially. "I've felt frustration seep into the marrow of my bones but I've learnt to control that monster because it's better to train certain emotions to breath quietly, helps keep negativity down."

 

Submitted by Beeme on
Thank you Shoe, I'm really happy you enjoyed :) I think thats my favourite stanza too :) Beeme xx

k.

Submitted by Nolan on
“Today the mind is tangled with its own thoughts. Such as; do they really love me? Will I have time to go shopping? Why doesn’t the suppository work? Hey?? Where is my hearing aid? Come check the Tsunami on TV!! The sharks won 10-0 bad day for the bulls… “I've seen unending darkness engulf a human body, that's not what I'm writing about because sometimes it's better to bury unwanted memories in the back-yard of your house and never let them out. Your stuff’s hard to make sense of sometimes you know lol! But inspiring, always!! && P.S. According to complexity theory if you generate enough English words in a completely random fashion you must eventually get “Humpty Dumpty” and “War and Peace ” too. Just have to keep at it. (No sarcasm, please! I enjoy your work Beeme!)
 

Submitted by Beeme on
Hello Nolan. Thankyou for the comment, I know my work can be hard to understand sometimes but thanks for reading and for enjoying :) Beeme xx

k.

Submitted by Nolan on
:-)