Teacher

By Dan-The-Man

Fri, 20 Aug 2010
  • 886 reads
4 comments
 

He sits, he stands.
No effort to demand.
A piece on honest work from the honest jerk.
Sat on the table, looking at his temple
The child seems motionless, never forgettable.
Information in his eyes
The Childs will dies.

A piece of paper, no sooner or later
Can she smell the essence of his underarm flavour.
He asked for Romeo and Juliet?
Not yet, burn the paper.
Cold eyes never asking for her to cry
Like the child that died,
Juliet said goodbye.

“My dear friend, did I ask you of this,
You're taking the piss, what is this?
I have no time to spend on you!
Feel free to work on the skip, whilst eating chips,
On the construction site with the other chimps.
I beg of you, do better, for your brother or sister,
Your mother, do it for her
Or start growing fur...
Crawl around with your hands by your ankles
Or better yet, grow a brain and be thankful
You wont get far now a days with good luck,
Or be lucky enough to get a good fuck.
I am not one for giving students tips
Eh, you might get far with those tits.”

Brilliance can get be forgotten, but not him
He stands up-right with full respect,
And gives students respect, what else can I expect?
This is English, plain.
Shame that this is where we end, and be named
My teacher, time for us to blend
Back into society where we can pretend, you are famous.

The Count is his name, I’d feel ashamed.

I am his student, I only kneel to surrender
With my arms behind my back
He attacks, a whip with his vocab
And I defend her.
She’s my poem, my tribute to him
I wish I could have a second wind
He takes her and puts her into the bin.

Certificate 12
Poem
Randoms
Opinion

Comments

Submitted by Dan-The-Man on
Please Comment, this is the frist time iv tried this style.

Submitted by Insertponceyfre... on
Hi Dan, I think parts of this are good - the disparaging things the teacher says for instance, but it would be better if you cut it down a bit, and also you need to go through it for punctuation and spelling

 

Submitted by gristo on
Ah ha! Right Dan, I've got some spare time this evening to give you feedback on this - sorry that it's taken me so long - Edinburgh has been manic. Right. I want to start by saying that I like this. You've tried a different style and gone out of your comfort zone - and you do a pretty good job. I think that you make the teacher out to be quite unpleasant (I assume that the teacher is supposed to be me) and when you are doing this it works well. It seems to get a little confused though - the piece is called 'teacher' and yet I'm left a little confused about how you feel about the teacher. That'd be fine if the voice you've used was also shown to be confused but you sound very confident and so I just feel like i've been chucked off the bus partway through the journey. what is your message? What is the point of this piece? I think that needs clarity. Also, the rhyme scheme setup doesn't help you here - i think that in trying to make this rhyme, you've forced yourself to write certain words or phrases that don't help the message. I think that you should write this again - with no rhyme whatsoever. See what you come up with. If you were to lose the rhyme, you'd gain clarity of purpose, I think. The more I read this though, the more I like it. Not sure that i ever said the word 'fuck' or "you might get far with those tits.” A few poets I've shown this to think that it paints me in a very unfavourable light! Either way I'm very pleased that you're still writing! You are an excellent poet, Dan and you take risks -like this piece. not every poet is able to do that! www.deadpoetry.co.uk

www.deadpoetry.co.uk

Submitted by Dan-The-Man on
I really did not mean to show you in an unfavourable light. In fact in my opinion you were the best thing to happen to Hampton College. Its basically a piece that is looking through my eyes and myself wondering what other students reactions might be. For example, You know who the girl with the Romeo and Juliet piece is, and i tried to imagine what her reaction to you was during the time at Hampton. Because we both know she's a lil rebelious. And the section where you are "Speaking", Its an over exaggerated rant. I remember when you looked at her piece and how much you really wanted to share your opinion but you were not allowed because... you're a teacher. So I put what I thought you might of said if you had the chance. So thats why I put in stanza 4 that you are respectful not to say it. And the final stanza is basically whenever I give you a piece and my wait while you read it. So i hope this clears everything up, I never meant it to show any disrespect towards you. Daniel Chappell