The Lives of Osama's Wives

As a news reporter, it is my job to inform the public on as much detail as possible about every story I cover. I want to make the public vicariously feel the same pain as thousands did in Japan during the tsunami, the excitement of a football team winning the Superbowl, and the euphoria a mother goes through as she systematically drowns her children.

This job also entails translating and making sense of information that may be askew or un-translatable to the lay-man. With the death of Osama Bin Laden fresh in the minds of millions, I want to give the public a vicariously first-person view of what it was like to be one of Osama’s wives living in the same building as him for 5 years without ever leaving.

This was done by translating dairies I have found that were written by the women and putting it into concise easy-to-follow thoughts that still stayed true to what the women wrote…whilst making it readable to the public. It was a tough task, mostly because a lot of what they said I didn’t care about.

THE FOLLOWING ARE THE THOUGHTS AND WORDS OF OSAMA’S WIVES: EXCERPTS FROM THEIR PERSONAL DIARIES.

AUGUST 21nd, 2006:
After a long time of fleeing, we finally found a place to hide some guys trying to kill our husband. Funny thing is it’s his house in Pakistan. You would think they would know where his house is and ACTUALLY search for him there. But whatever. We’re safe and that’s all that matters. Although we’re not allowed to leave this house. Binny said it’s because it’s too dangerous out there. That we might get hurt from stray fire or something like that. Which sorta sucks cause that Indian fellow is in town for the week and his curry is TO DIE FOR and I wanted some. But I guess it could be worse, at least we still have enough food in here to last a couple of days, that’s all Osama said we would be in here for.

SEPTEMBER 14th. 2006:
A few days? That’s a joke. Everyday Osama’s been to us “only a few more days” but they never come. I really wish he would tell us what’s going on…or at least let us go out and bathe. There are no mirrors in here but all the other women here are a mess. We seriously need to bathe badly. Does he not realize it’s like a bajillion degrees out and because he’s still making us wear our face coverings (because he thinks it’s sexy apparently) we smell like a mixture of sweat, urine, and piss. Have you ever smelt warm urine? No, because you’ve never been in a situation like this. I have, and I can’t anymore…mostly because I’ve gotten use to the smell, or it burned my nostrils so much I am incapable to feel compassion anymore. I’ve heard that some animals use urine as a means of communication. I think that’s repulsive, and I don’t know if this is a way for Binny to get us to be able to communicate without talking (because he’s been all about being quiet for some reason…he still won’t tell us exactly why people were looking for him) but I am NOT for it.

DECEMBER 7th. 2006:
Osama’s acting weird today. He’s been praising Japan all day long saying “If I could only have witnessed Japan bombing Pearl Harbor, then I could stop masturbating at the videos of my own attack on America.” That must be why we are being chased…and they must be who is chasing him. I dunno, I guess I should hate America because Osama does and I love him and I know his other wives do too…but I can kinda see where America is coming from. I know when I was a kid I use to have a pet dog that I found as a stray, and when the government ordered it dead I was crushed, he was the only man who didn’t mind me not wearing my face and head coverings. But I dunno. We have a television in here that gets American Programing, I’ll check out what America is all about.

FEBRUARY 2nd. 2007:
Okay, if somehow this diary gets out and people read it with access to a CVS, can you bring us some fucking razors? You know how apparently people are joking about Osama “is hiding in the bushes?” Well that is not true at all. He hates bushes, and I and the rest of the wives are getting pretty tired of watching him masturbate 4 times a day…..just saying.

OCTOBER 30th. 2007
Today a stray dog came wandering in here. Osama was sleeping so I started playing with it. It was soooo cute! I named it Muhammed, because I always wanted a son and since this is the closest I’ll get to a son I decided that was its name. But when Osama woke up and saw it, he decided to name it “Bush,” and then proceeded to kill it and cook it up. It was heart wrenchingly delicious.

DECEMBER 11th. 2007:
Osama told us a joke today. I’ll try to tell it like he did cause it was really funny. Okay so, there was this guy. And this guy really, really hated the United States. But you see, the problem was no one cared what this guy thought. Like whenever he tried to explain himself or give his opinion, everyone was like “shut the fuck up” and stuff. So, one day this guy got so pissed off he decided to run 2 planes into two buildings in New York.
Get it? Cause it’s like, my husband and this sorta happened…and by “sorta” I mean it really did.

JULY 2nd. 2008:
I’ve been watching “Spongebob Squarepants” on the television a lot lately. And I love that show. It’s such a cute show and I think it’s hilarious. Patrick, Sandy, Spongebob…except I don’t like Mr. Krabs, he’s a greedy capitalistic asshole who likes to exploit the poor to become rich….sort of like Bush. But other than that if I was American I would seriously be proud of my country….and it almost makes me wish I was an American.

I’ve also been watching “Suite Life of Zach and Cody” a lot too, and I have a few questions for that show:

1. Why does that young kid like that blatantly older girl….can’t he get arrested for like, profiling or something?
2. Why can’t the show be more about the black guy who owns the place….he’s funnier than the kid’s dad who left them is hot.
3. And he’s hot
4. Like, REALLY hot.
5. I wouldn’t mind watching him masturbate
6. But in all seriousness, the black guy needs a bigger role….or his own spin-off. He’s hilarious!

NOVEMBER 5th. 2008:
JIHAD! JIHAD! JIHAD! JIHAD! JIHAD! JIHAD! JIHAD! JIHAD! JIHAD!

JANUARY 1st. 2009
So the wives and I got Osama to celebrate New Years like they do over in America. It was hard to convince him too cause of the whole “fuck America” thing, but it worked! But we had a lot of fun. He had some of his men bring us some food and Osama actually cooked for us! I mean it sucked, but it was a nice treat. You know for a few moments I really felt like I was somewhere else besides confined in this house for years without any hope of ever leaving and probably just going to wither away here…if I don’t kill myself first, which is a real possibility for me. Sure I was happy for this time, but it was short lived. Do you know when the last time I was happy? Years ago. Before I was stuck in this place. I swear to God I can’t take it anymore. My life has no meaning, what kind of a life is it to just stay in confinement, no connections to the outside, no form of fun. Hell I get more love from that talking stone head on “Legends of the Hidden Temple” than from any real life person. My entertainment is all vicarious. All I’ve learned from my time in here is that there is in fact no God. None what-so-ever. If there was one, then why hasn’t he let me leave this place? God is supposed to be “light and love,” and right now there is no love, and the light is blinding me. Really think about it, can you really believe that “God has a plan for you?” No God of mine would ever make my “plan” this. It’s all bullshit. No Heaven, no Hell, and no God. The way I see it, if I die, I’ll just be reborn as another person: a whole new life completely different than the one now. I’m sure not even God thinks that’s a shit deal.

MAY 25th. 2009
I decided to take up sewing…unfortunately the only thing I have to sew with in the way of cloth is my face covering….and the only thing I know how to make with it is a face covering.

SEPTEMBER 19th. 2009
America’s retarded, it’s “Rosh Hashanah,” not “Rush Hashanah.” Even I know that!

MARCH 29th. 2010
It’s been a while since I’ve last written in this, and there’s two reasons why:
1. Nothing to write about
2. See #1

And, nothing has happened now either. But I did see some American Soldiers pass by today and shot some small Pakistani kids with bean bag pellets…little shits deserve it after throwing rocks at the windows.

JUNE 13th. 2010
Dear America,
Look, I’ll make a deal with you. You stop looking for Osama, and we’ll call it even. Can’t we just forget about the whole “bombing” and the not worry about “who killed over 2000 people” and just laugh it off with a beer? Obama did it if I’m correct with that cop and black guy…so why can’t nations? Cause come on…is it really that big of a deal? Is it really worth making me live for years in this dump? I still smell like warm crusty and stagnant piss…and I still don’t enjoy it. So America, why don’t we just buck up and stop worrying about petty little things and act a little mature here? I honestly don’t see why you’re making this little “attack” such a big deal. You all are acting like immature babies in my opinion, let’s grow the fuck up please? Thanks!

AUGUST 31st. 2010
Here’s something no one here has pondered…what happens when American troops do find us? Like, has anyone thought about that yet? I mean does Osama have any weapons or something to protect us? Because we’re obviously not getting out until they find us, it’s like Anne Frank all over again…except none of us are deaf, dumb and blind.

OCTOBER 4th. 2010
No seriously, we’re gonna die if they find us. Well, either that or they kill us, either option is pretty shit if you ask me.

NOVEMBER 16th. 2010
Do you think they’ll fly a small personal jet plane into this building? lol

DECEMBER 24th. 2010
Osama fucking has some of his men looking out for Santa Clause to shoot-to-kill. Can someone tell him that there is actually no such thing as Santa Clause?

FEBRUARY 9th. 2010
Well this sucks. Osama has been watching TV non-stop and whenever we try to get him to let us watch TV he just threatens to masturbate again….which usually results in him doing it anyway. But it’s like, the stuff he watches is just the news, and it’s so boring! Does he think that by watching the news he’s not going to be found? Well, he probably does. He’s been kinda spiraling out, mentally speaking. Like the other day one of his teeth fell out (poor hygiene’s a bitch) and he put it under his pillow in hopes the tooth fairy would come and leave him money…or in his words “kill every American Soldier looking for me.” He even wanted to get Furbies banned here….and by “here” I mean this house, not all of Pakistan. He said because it could learn how to say vital information and then leak it to people who will use the information to find him…which is a load of crap if you ask me. First of all, what the hell does he say here that is useful? He’s still on his “I’m the best because I took a huge dump on America” tirade which only Lord knows when that’s gonna end. Second, Furbies DO NOT learn just anything. They are pre-programmed to learn a set list of words and that’s it. Third, China’s already banned them…and China’s retarded. Finally, we don’t even have a Furbie.

FEBUARY 10th. 2010
What do ya know, Osama had some guy get a Furbie and bring it here…just so he can ban it from here and have it destroyed……Whoop-di-fuckin’-do!

And that was it. Well that really wasn’t it, but all the other entries were not really all that helpful in giving you a vicarious first-person look at what it is like to be a wife of Osama. The other entries didn’t capture the pain, hardship, suffering, and the forever optimism that the wives had throughout their escapade.
So I hope you had as much fun reading these entries as I had deciphering them. This was a very emotionally moving project. I feel as though I can understand what these women went through, the filth, the grime, the boredom, and the images of Osama “procreating” will forever be burned into my mind.

Yes, Osama was the number one most wanted man in the world. Yes, he did murder over 2,000 innocent people. But at the end of the day the real sufferers are the women who were held prisoner by Osama, his “wives.” And we can never forget that.