Dinner

'What do you think?' Matt said, picking up his pint for another sip. He always drank very quickly; if I tried to keep up with him, I always end up in a drunken mess. Infact, one of the first nights I met him, I tried to keep up with him and woke up the next morning on a roof.

I hadn't been listening. I'd had other things on my mind.

I tried to back track. What was the last thing I remembered him saying? He mentioned something about a new girlfriend, but that's not enough to go on. I decided to pull out one of my old tricks.

'I think you should go for it,' I said.

He nodded as he finished his sip.

'Yeah, I guess so,' he said. 'What harm can it do?'

'Exactly,' I said. Got away with it. Classic.

'How are things with that girl you were trying to chat up anyway?' Matt asked.

'Ah, I was gonna bring this up,' I said. 'She's coming over for dinner.'

Matt finished another sip and brushed his foam moustache from his hair moustache.

'Wow, that's quick!' Matt said, nodding. He nodded a lot. 'Also, I didn't know you could cook.'

'Yeah,' I said, 'that's the problem, I can't.'

'Oh,' he said. 'Why did you invite her over for dinner if you can't cook?'

'I don't know!' I said. 'We were having a drink and I thought "girls like food, right?" and invited her over!'

'Girls do love food,' Matt said, 'but only when it's cooked well.'

'Oh God, what do I do? I really like her and I'm going to look like an idiot!'

Matt's shoulders relaxed. He placed his hands infront of him and closed his eyes. He shushed me a little as if I was weeping uncontrollably.

'Relax,' he said, 'we can get through this.'

'How?' I asked, still very much in a state of panic.

Matt smacked his lips and looked into the distance.

'I don't know, that was as far as I had thought,' he said.

I groaned and placed my head in my folded arms on the wobbly table.

'Ok, let's think- what would happen if this were a movie?' Matt said.

It worries me when Matt talks about movies. He has an extensive knowledge of films which, he thinks, gives him the right to scoff when someone else doesn't know something. The previous week he had scolded me for accidentally saying that Tom Hanks was in Mission Impossible. I know he isn't, it was a slip of the brain, but I didn't hear the end of it.

'I could just try to learn to cook something before tomorrow night, then if it fails, we'll order a takeaway,' I said.

Matt thought it through as if the plan needed to adhere to a strict mathematical formula.

'Yeah, but then you just look like a failure,' he said, 'and she'll ask why you invited her over if you can't cook.'

He had a point.

'What's so special about this girl anyway?'

A smile immediately broke on my face.

'She's so pretty,' I said, 'and clever and funny and lively.'

Matt had his head propped up on a fist, like he was daydreaming about her as I described her. He smiled and made an 'aw' sound.

'She's got blonde hair in a ponytail, and little freckles on her button nose and-'

'You could...' Matt begun, showing that he hadn't been listening at all. He didn't say anything further though.

'What?'

'Pass off someone else's food as your own!'

It sounded crazy enough to work.

'You mean, like, order the takeaway beforehand and then serve up just as she arrives?'

'No, I mean, like,' Matt said, 'hide me in your downstairs bathroom, then I'll come out occasionally to cook for you!'

I glared at him for a moment.

'No.'

'Why not? That works perfectly!'

'No, it doesn't,' I said.

'Tell me one flaw,' Matt said, crossing his arms and sitting back in his seat.

'Firstly, can you cook?' I asked.

'Uh, yes!' He seemed offended. 'I cook a mean curry!'

I hadn't been aware of this, and I knew that curry would go down perfectly. I decided to glaze over this point.

'Secondly, what if she sees you?'

'She won't,' Matt said, leaning forward as if this was the brilliant part, 'I'll hide in the-'

'The downstairs bathroom, yeah,' I said. 'But what if she goes in the downstairs bathroom?'

'Tell her it's broken,' Matt shrugged. His eyes lit up as a plan seemed to unfold before him. 'I'll come round pretending to be a plumber! Then I could be in plain sight!'

'No,' I said definitely. 'You're not doing this. Why would I get a plumber round when I have a date?'

'Only available time,' he said as if it was obvious. He seemed so sure of his plan; it was probably the best plan he'd ever had. It was still a terrible plan though.

'I'm going with my "maybe look like a failure" plan,' I said.

Matt took a deep breath and finished his pint.

'Who are Arsenal playing this weekend?'

His change in subject worried me. I downed the large remainder of my beer and my throat burned.