Afterlife Musings

So, this is what it feels like. The world moves and everyone in it walks and talks and regards me. I am seen and I see myself anew. I put on clothes today that I think in the back of my mind I always wanted to have the confidence to put on. I don't know about the shoes, I can barely stand in them but it all looks so well put together that I could not do without them. It would not do the outfit justice. I linger on the fact that I feel like I am losing myself to an image of what I was supposed to look like as a woman(as pictured by my eight year old self). It is strange. I can't tell whether this feels right, so I guess it isn't.

This ties in to something else that I recently discovered about myself and the love that I have of ideas. I fall in love with them and see them manifesting everywhere that I can never distinguish them from what is actually in front of me. I am always deluded. My visions are always grand and life is always lived thus in an extreme state. The other day a smoke screeen was lifted when I was faced with a truth so undeniable that it was impossible to reconcile it with the idea that I had in my head. I was surprised that the disappointment which I felt lasted merely seconds before I just abondoned my idea altogether and lived in that new truth.

The truth is that I am awakening to the possibility of things that are not of my own making. For years I lived in my own guilt, my own grief and my one and only perception of the world as it was guided by something which I could not accept or come to terms with. I get glimpses now of things that I should want for myself but I do not because I cannot let myself. I still have to get used to the world turning. I have to get used to feeling empty and wanting to fill myself up.

I met someone who makes me feel like I am the most perfect being ever created. He pretends to not see my flaws and it's sweet. He makes me want to want things for myself and I want to show him the gaping whole in my soul. I take it as a good sign because at least that way he gets to see whatever it is that there is to see of me. Thinking about it makes my heart heavy and then I think of the heavy shoes that are currently on my feet.

The dilemma that I am faced with today translates to this very simple situation. Should I take off the shoes and be half of what I intended and leave room for the other half of me to be determined by something else or should I remain in costume through and through and carry my heavy feet about as I contemplate greatness?

I don't know how to live without you without rationing my time to activities that ought to come naturally but don't. Most of my time is still taken up by empty recollections. If I could picture the landscape of my soul it would mirror a wasteland so contaminated by the effects of past events that it will be years still before anything grows there.

I am on auto pilot, eating, breathing, loving in all in the required amounts.

I have decided though that I am more comfortable barefoot in this majestic dress so that I can at least work without the distraction of lead feet. Missing you is not a desease and I have yet to honour your memory by proving to myself and to this life that death will not kill me.