God’s List of Ten Things He Would Have Done Differently (IP)

That’s quite a heady subject, even for God. But I think I’m up to the challenge.

1. After seeing the results of last year’s American Idol I should have made good on my promise to destroy the world on May 21st 2011.

But Judgement Day’s been pushed back to wouldn’t you like to know.

2. Give Jennifer Aniston something she could sink her teeth into. She’s been in some stinkers. (Yes, I do have my frivolous side; after all, I gave you the Kardashians.)

3. I would have paid more attention to detail. Starting with Adam and Eve.

You were all supposed to look alike. But I was never a good student when it came to genetics. One day I give you Marilyn Monroe, the next day I give you Khadafy.

If you must have a modern day equivalent, my original Adam and Eve both looked like Woody Allen. I wanted to keep things humble. I never realized how neurotic they’d become.

But I C minored in Science. And so it goes.(I invented that phrase, so don’t accuse me of plagiarism.)

4. I would have given you paws instead of fingers. I’m figuring it was fingers that got you into so much trouble:

Trigger Finger, Finger on the button, He flipped me the finger! Hey! Get your dirty fingers off my wife! Finger food.(All that cholesterol.) Sticky Fingers. Enough said.

5. Oil. I forgot to drain it after my creation was finished. Oil was part of my Cooking the Planets project. I was to do that on day seven, but I was so damn tired.

Oil will be the death of you all. And it’s all my fault.

6. Spent more time with Mrs. God. That’s a whole other story.

7. I would have given you time travel. I don’t know who thought of the concept, but it’s too late. Once I finish a project I’m done with it. Much to the chagrin of a lot of you complainers.

8. I wouldn’t have been so mean. Those were the old fire and brimstone days. All that smiting and bush burning. Turning people into pillars of salt. Parting seas. I was so theatrical back in the day. Oh, the stories I could tell!

9. I would bring back Jesus. But he says he wants no part of it. “Just give me a plank of wood and a plane and I’m a happy ex-savior. Besides, they’d only do it all over again. Only this time they’d go electric.”

10. I would have let my brother Harold have the whole damn universe project. I was just doing it for summer school credits. Harold was the real brains. Me? I liked the ladies!”