Flash Farto v the Acidians

Using the submersible fruit canoes of the Acidians and freshly gorged on revenge, glee, ginger buns and each other, our brave and brilliant hero, Flash Farto and his beautiful courtesan Honey Crevice peddle away from the Island of Cake-Death with full tums and flushed cheeks in need of a good afternoon nap.

Arriving in Centralia just after lunch, Flash and Honey join the caravans, sideshows and murky tents of the famous Gyppo Prince Marcellus Vinge (jolly cousin of the Evil Prince Mince whom Flash has just destroyed in his previous thrilling adventure) as it makes its way from the snowy heights of the Palmtree Plateau, across the treacherous Moufy Desert and through the heart of imperial Athletica on its nine month journey of expansion, trade fairs, goodwill and even better rumpo.

Flash and Honey have temporarily become separated from their ship by the Bun vendor Shadowfold, who after forcing Flash and Honey into tracking his his magic buns, has sent it on to Athletica to ensure Flash and Honey could not escape his merciless plan. But there is a traitor in the midst of Marcellus Vinge’s troupe of performing cossacks, monkeys, midgets, midges and goodtime girls. Trebor the Vile acquires from a mong subordinate a phial of deadly parrot-dropping poison with which he aims to poison the water, gin, tonic, soda and tizer cannisters as the motley bunch crosses the desert.

He confides in Mingo the Monkey Man of Manchester that when everyone is dead he intends to return to the miraculous emeralds, epaulettes and energy pills of the Great Flash Farto and collect the sacred time bracelet Honey wears, 'the thong of magic that will bring the mighty Kong of Croydon to my feet! AHAHAHA'

‘Don’t you mean the thing of magic?’ squeaks Mingo doubtfully.

‘I know what I mean’ smarms Trebor and rubs his thighs laciviously.

‘You clearly have never seen this vixen princess Crevice. She is a wondrous gift for our king…’

In the mealymouthed meantime, Flash and Honey travail across the desert and seek respite from the blazing twin suns of the plateau of skimpies in the Cave of the Lying Pies (with Eyes) searching for Big Babs, the uncouth, underdressed tranny guide who knows the only safe path through the forest of dreams, who has vanished whilst wearing a striking organza dress and pig skin shoes with matching accessories.

‘Why do we need this Babs?’ asks Honey suspiciously. Flash sighs and makes a DURRR face at Honey.

‘Because my little Slendertone, the Forest of Dreams is famous for its death traps of perilous discomfort, Snooze bears of the naughty nite naps and pits of the intimate spike, none of which I fancy very much’ he mutters as he creeps carefully deeper into the cave, perturbed by a thousand pies with eyes staring at him from the walls. ‘Unlike you, my tart of delights’.

‘So?’

‘SO? So, my sweet pair of hold ups, Babs knows the safe path through to the other side, then we can get the ship back and leave here’.

‘Oh’.

‘Are you hungry at all?’ Suddenly Honey screams and all her clothes fall off, pointing at one of the pies carved on the wall, as Flash leaps a yard into the air, not knowing whether he should be clutching his ears or his balls.

‘Bloody hell! No need for that, Hun, you scared the crap out of me. What is it?’ demands Flash, finally deciding on holding in his stomach and thrusting out his jaw defiantly. ‘It had better not be robbers or assassins or they won’t know what Flash Farto can do to them’ he belted, desperately hoping that he would not have to run away yelping like a girl.

‘It’s… its eyes moved!’ jabbered Honey pointing anxiously to a particularly good looking pie on the wall.

‘Rubbish, you’ve just been overdoing the nail varnish again’ snapped Flash and relaxed a little too much.

‘It’s true darlings!’ shrieks Big Babs, suddenly emerging from the darkness, clothes and make up a frightful mess. ‘Big, beautiful Barbara is here to shine the light of glamour into your dreariness, dears!’

Suddenly five hundred pies (with eyes) suddenly came to life, peel themselves from the walls of the cave and as Honey, Barbara and Flash all scream like girls, the pies begin to scuttle in their direction, moving like a hoard of beetles, the clatter of their sharp crusts echoing around the cave in a cacophony of intimidation. Flash edges towards the mouth of the cave, grabbing Honey by the arm, but the Pie Lord, King Pucker, appears from nowhere, filling the mouth and blocking their exit and laughing as if he had a cushion in his throat.

The smaller, hotter pies advance quickly, the
fatter chunkier pies attempting to outflank the three humans.

‘What are we going to do Flash, what are we going to do?’ screamed Honey in a girlie panic. Flash flashes his gnashers at them to no avail. He glances quickly around their predicament and can’t help noticing what a terrible tangle Bab’s hair has gotten into.

‘Wait! I shall placate them with the haunting melody of the pan-pipes’ yelled Babs and crouching upon the floor, heshe began blowing the theme from Wonderpets, but the smaller pies (with eyes) were footsoldiers of the Pie Lord and began to explode at his feet, splashing her with molten chicken, mushroom and apple, scalding hisher flesh. Honey screamed again, but Flash had an idea.

‘When those chunkier ones attack, we’ll eat our way out!’

‘Eat?’ screamed Babs. ‘Have you seen how many there are, you mad delicious fool?’

‘You haven’t seen Flash and I at the Luxor all you can eat buffet, me laddo’ laughed Honey and leaped into action, whilst Flash slipped on his Supernova Spaceoven Gloves and began chomping with one hand (a rather good beef and onion), whilst flipping the smaller exploding pies in Pucker’s direction, driving him from the cave, as he and Honey began eating a path to safety.

Flash, Honey and the blistered Babs, steak and kidney splattered on her ruined dress, wobble from the cave, exhausted and collapse into a nearby tent to sleep off the pie attack and the heat of the midday sun.

When they awake, Flash and Honey must cut their way through the tent in which they have suddenly and inexplicably been held prisoner by the treacherous Babs, now changed into a rather snazzy broadway little black number, with black and white flapper heels, Flash emerges into the clearing in the bamboo forest of dreams wearing a brown corduroy suit, which he tears open to the waist revealing his manly chest and Honey swoons. Babs offers less resistance than expected - as Flash touches himher, he keels over, a knife protruding from hisher torso!

‘Murdered!’ exclaims Flash.

‘Nice one, Sherlock’ counters Honey. ‘I don’t know how you do it!’

‘Shave it Honey’ warns Flash, then reconsiders his remark. ‘I mean, save it, that’s what I meant. Save it. For later. Or else’. Flash leads the way and Honey follows, giggling.

Later Flash, Honey and a pair of deranged tinkers they have collected as guides and entertaining hand puppeteers in the market, move on at last through the forest of dreams to the even more astounding Imperial Palace in Peepy, where the travellers discover the plot to which trapped them in the caves of pies(with eyes) and manage to save the mighty Kong of Croydon from an assassination attempt by the mong-faced spy Trebor, who is supposedly on a peace mission from the master bakers of Scattysack IV, but who breathes deadly danger gas onto the face of the mighty Kong before expiring.

Touched by Flash’s cunning and bravery and impressed by the undoubted talents of Honey in the flimsy silks of the desert people, Kong offers Flash dominion over an entire continent if he agrees to hand Honey over to his as his number one concubine.

‘What!’ never!’ screeches the outraged Honey, pouting her perfect lips and stamping her little feet.

‘I’m sorry, mighty Kong’ declared Flash nobly, reaching for Honey’s hand and accidentally brushing her arse on the way. ‘Honey and I have been through too much together for me to give her up. I would rather lay down my life than lose her’.

‘Oh Flash…’ mumbles Honey, overcome with emotion. Flash knew that line would work.

‘And you, oh wondrous beauty of woman’ roared the Kong from his emerald throne. ‘Do you feel the same about this brave man?’ Honey nodded, choking back the tears and squeezing Flash’s hand.

‘Then leave this land as nobles of Athletica’ he boomed, raising his mighty sword and swinging it over their heads, decreeing their royal status. ‘Beautiful woman… I would have made you my Queen, Empress of all Athletica, Commander of the nine moons and the wealthiest woman in the galaxy, heir to my entire empire’.

‘Thank you Oh Kong, we take your leave’ smiled Flash.

‘Errrmmm… think we can stay the night?’ asked Honey indecisively. ‘Let me have a think on that offer?’ Flash gave her a glare as the Kong led the entire procession from the court.

‘That’s nice’ spits Flash bitterly. ‘I like that, Honey, you two-timing cow’. Honey sulks.
Alone at last, Flash touches Honey's magic ring and they disappear….