I Can Say Whatever I Like!

I Can Say Whatever I Like!

I can say whatever I like! Isn't that good? Only a handful of people will ever read this but surely that's better than writing alone? But what do I want to say?

I'll talk about writing. You can all identify with that.

Most of the time I'm a lazy writer. I want quick results. I rarely write anything longer than a thousand words. I get it all down in one sitting and never look back. I might correct a few typos but once a piece is done, it's done, and I move on to the next.

I find rhyming verse particularly scrumptious.

I'm a man who writes alone
I talk into the air
My nose is at the grinding stone
My soul is naked-bare

A few seconds ago that didn't exist, not even in my head. Is it any good for anything? What do you think I am, some sort of literary critic? I suppose that if you found it slightly more interesting than taking another puff on your cigarette I've contributed something to your day. If not, I should remind you that all sales are final. Just read the contract.

There are many literary genres you can use.

1. The Rant.

Before setting out on a rant, remind yourself of this: no matter who you are, somebody, somewhere knows what ought to be done about people like you. You might think that you are totally inoffensive and that nobody could possibly wish you any harm, but others don't see it that way. To others, you are one of Them.

One of whom? Well, few of us can avoid being accused of being either a man or a woman, and we all know what they are like. You are bound to have more money than somebody, you rich, uncaring bastard, and less than somebody else, you bloody oik. Do I need to go on?

2. The Comic Book Made Text

Qu'imble of the Treen People has weapons of immense power. It might be a bow and arrow that is better than his neighbour's, a magic staff, or a globbo gun. It doesn't much matter whether Qu'imble lives in a forest or a castle or on another planet, the story will be much the same. This genre should be considered by anybody who has never read a book without pictures in it.

3. Teenage Lurve

Mayree sees this like really fit boy only he never looks at her. One day he texes (you've blown it if you say 'texts') her on the iGadget only it isn't him it's some mong who wants to do her head in.

4. Slumming

Slag Alice goes to the alley behing the fish-gutters for a fag. Bill Bollocks follows her out. They insult each other in dialect, it doesn't matter which. Bill shags Alice but has to get the job done before she finishes her fag and notices what's going on. She is already pregnant and gives birth half way through. She throws the baby over the fence and rats eat the afterbirth. Bill zips up his pants, slaps Alice about a bit, then goes back to his mates to laugh about it. Slag Alice shrugs, it's just another average day on the No Hope estate.

5. Ordinary Life

Figgy's mum calls her down for her breakfast. Today they are going shopping. On the way they see a clown. He is very funny. They put a pound in his hat and he thanks them. They don't realise until they get home that the clown was their neighbour from number forty-two. What a day they've had!

6. Leprechaun

Just write this. It's already written, which makes it easier.

7. Poetry

If anything rhymes, or almost rhymes, it's poetry. See Biggus for details. Purists say it should also scan.

You can also have poetry that neither rhymes nor scans. This is called modern. It's a bit old-fashioned these days.

I wandered like a cloud
you know the sort
they float on high over vales
and hills too
I was lonely by the way
but leaving that aside
imagine my surprise when
I
saw
a crowd.

That's about all there is to writing. Do have a go yourself. Oh, I see you already have.