Jesus is My Friend

Cherry

By Fat Dwarf

Fri, 16 Sep 2011
  • 3431 reads
15 comments
 

Jesus is my lovely friend
I like him such a lot
He loves me to the very end
The only friend I've got

I love it when he blesses me
And tucks me into bed
He always brings a cup of tea
Two fishes and some bread

Jesus is so very nice
I love him day by day
He solves my crosswords in a trice
And knows just what to say

I've got a Jesus in my car
He's made of plastic bright
He lights my life just like a star
But won't come out at night

On my dashboard he's firmly stuck
I just can't get him off,
I almost said a naughty 'fuck'
But turned it to a cough

I need to sell my car you know
To pay my tithing fee
If I don't give the church some dough
God won't be kind to me

I love my Jesus more and more
He never answers back
I find real people are a bore
And some of them are black

For Jesus hates a man-bo
Just like he hates a fag
To all Klan meetings he will go
His head inside a bag

My Jesus loves a burning cross
It is his favourite thing
A dead jack-man is no loss
It makes him want to sing

I'll go back home and clean my gun
I'm going to shoot a fag
I'll make the little bastard run
I'll dress his corpse in drag

The cops are knocking on my door
Those commie-loving shits
I know just what they've come here for
I'll blow them all to bits

It's my turn now to have some fun
I'll find a place to hide
My Jesus helps me aim the gun
He's always at my side

A cop falls flat and Jesus cheers
He gives me some advice
Just shoot that one between the ears
His brains will splatter nice

I ain't got time to write no more
I'm going to meet my Lord
I'm proud of shooting blacks and Jews
And now comes my reward

Certificate U
Autobiography

Comments

Submitted by Numby Pumby Poo IV on
There you are, Lucky! I knew you weren't in Goa! My, how you've changed though, you couldn't shoot for toffee in the Coldstreams. Aspers told me that when I lost 20,000 dollars in his rigged chemie game. You're poem is darned good. If I could get out of the Maine and into a trailer park, I think I'd give you a hand.

Submitted by nobody on
Hi. Listen, I know you're not really interested in my wooden solicitor traps, but do you think you could just pretend? It would make my day. I haven't sold anything in weeks.

Submitted by Numby Pumby Poo IV on
Wooden Solicitor Traps, eh? Whut in hell is a solicitor? That some kinda sex-worker? Could ya send me one to the Institute. I had a go-round with Nurse Ratched and she gave me the chemical cosh. I don't click in general on principle. Since you Spambots ain't got no principles, I guess I could give it a go.

Submitted by nobody on
Certainly. Just let me know your credit card and bank details, inside leg measurement and probable date of senility. If you can provide a friend's credit card details too, you can use his card once I've finished with it.

Submitted by Numby Pumby Poo IV on
American Express 1234-5678-9101-11213 Lehman's Bank Skid Row Centreville Maine USofA Left leg : 32" Right leg : 32 cm (I don't want to talk about it. Unsuccessful escape attempt from the Institute) Yesterday.

Submitted by Insertponceyfre... on
wonderful.

 

Submitted by oldpesky on
This is great. Where have you been hiding?

Submitted by Insertponceyfre... on
under another alias I think, oldpesky!

 

Submitted by Fat Dwarf on
pesky - Where has Lord Lucan been hiding? That's something a lot of people would like to know! Ms. French - I hope you have a good solicitor. You know I have a super injunction to prevent you revealing any details of our affair? You aren't even allowed to say we didn't have one unless you want to spend a long, long time in the slammer.

Submitted by Highhat on
I have been out of touch with this mentality of the KKK and thought they had been reformed. It makes me really sad to know that this racism still exists and I must say that I certainly do not agree with their Jesus-they are not his friends- well who would be a friend of theirs? Not Jesus surely? Pia

Submitted by Highhat on
Dear Honorine- would you mind curbing your tongue. This is quite infamous- you have misunderstood the poem completely.

Submitted by Fat Dwarf on
Don't worry about it, Pia. It could be an attempt at humour (e.g. note the signature is G Suss - Jesus) but it doesn't really work because it could equally well be the work of somebody who believes what they're saying. Who knows? Maybe somebody is just trying to keep us guessing. Anyway, it doesn't bother me.

Submitted by Honorine on
Pia is quite right. I do apologise and (not that it is any excuse) I'm ill at the mo (bipolar episode) and would normally not post my mad rantings on this lovely site (or anywhere else for that matter). I have told this to Mr Cook and he has kindly deleted any other offensive things I may have said to anyone else. Honorine.

Submitted by Overthetop1 on
This site is really looking up. I completely got this poem (yes it IS a poem) and think you are a real breath of fresh air, and as far as I am concerned, you are more than welcome on ABC. On the whole (you may have noted that this possibly does not apply 100%) we are a pretty broad minded lot. And so we bloody well should be if we have any claims to be at all creative.

Overthetop1

Submitted by oldpesky on
'I have always believed there is a Jesus of Nazareth and a Jesus of religion. One is good, one is evil...both have a purpose. You have profoundly described the latter so well in your poem.' An evil Jesus? Really? The mind boggles. It is some people's manipulation of Jesus's message that can be evil, not Jesus. I've never heard an evil Jesus story in my life. What next? Cartoons of a certain prophet (pbuh)?