Dan

By thecure

Wed, 23 Nov 2011
  • 512 reads
2 comments
 

Dan
An enchanted eternity of sparkling light shines upon me,
Cupid’s arrow has plunged deep into my blood red heart that blooms in the shape of a rose,
The grass is green all around me as the birds sing and rainbows paint the sky,
And I feel like I can fly,
Everything around me glows and sparkles like stars in the night,
His arms around me so warm and so tight,
He is my Perfect Prince, my saviour and my knight,
A celestial being he protects me and guides me through the battles and the storm,
He is an electrical exciting explosion of emotions far from the norm,
He saves me from the terrifying tower day after day,
He awakens me from the deep depths of my dreams with a kiss,
My fairy tale has come true my fantasy my wish.

Certificate U
Poem
Autobiography

Comments

Submitted by Leander42 on
I know you're working hard at this and it shows, but...well... and this is difficult...you have to start recognising and avoiding cliches. Enchanted eternity, blood red hearts, blooming roses, fairy tales coming true - these are all well used phrases; in a nutshell, they're all cliches. Avoid them like the plague if you can. Try and see something new. Say it differently. The moment you start to do this, and i'm not saying it's easy, your writing will truly soar. I know it. And i know you can do it because you have just written a poem about love without actually saying it - and that's a good thing. I'm gonna watch you now and I am really rooting for your writing to slowly but surely take off.

 

Submitted by thecure on
Thanks very much for the feedback, I really appreciate it and any advice you can give me. I will take this on board and try and avoid clichés. I love writing and would like to improve myself and am really dedicated to it so any advice and constructive criticism you can give I will listen to and apply. I’ve read quite a lot of your work and know how brilliant and clever it is, so thank you for having faith in me, it gives me the added push I need to become more imaginative and thorough and to challenge myself and to not let you down or myself :-) Thanks again, my mission for my next poem is to try something new, if you could let me know what you think that would be great :-)