City Hall: An Autobiography, Chapter 9

It is so damn cold here in Montreal. It is not really even winter yet. The moisture makes it feel colder than it is. Montreal is surrounded by water. It was worse in the summer. I had to change shirts 20 times a day, damnit.

I start training at Underdog tomorrow, that gives me the day to pickup groceries and such. I think I will stop at the IGA. Where do I find an IGA in Montreal?

That is sarcastic, by the way. There is an IGA on every other block. IGA is to Montreal, what Tim Horton's is to Hamilton!

One thing about being in Quebec is that stores face all of the products with the French label out. I like to piss them off by turning the English side out. Yeah, I know, its a bit childish, but I need my fun.

I am surprised at the prices in Montreal. The cost of living is so much lower than Toronto. Wow, a liter of milk is $1.57 ! You can't even get a half-liter for that in Toronto.

I picked up some milk, bread and some other stuff, so I don't have to eat out all the time. Although, food in stores is less, most restaurants are ridiculously expensive.

Let' see, I have lait, pain, oeufs, salade, and a couple of unhealthy snacks that I won't mention. Maybe I'll pick up some bottles of l'eau as well. While in a French culture, do as the French do. Drink bottled water.

I went to line up at the cash, and they actually had all of the cashiers open. Wow. You never see that in Toronto!

"Bonjour", The cashier said with a smile, "Souhaitez-vous un sac?"

"Oui.", I replied.

"S'il vous plaît, quatorze-soixante-sept", she said politely.

Sometimes, trying to be biligual, especially while you are still learning one of the languages, gets confusing.

I replied, "Okay, thank you." Aw, shit. I blew that one.

She then repeated in English, as if nothing had happened, "Fourteen-sixty-seven, please."

I handed her a ten and a five.

She gave me the change, and politely said, "Thank you, sir."

I went back to my room to put away the groceries, then decided to go out for a while.

I was so worked up, I could not just stay still.

I walked over to Berri-UQAM Station. I think I'll go to the Museum of Modern Art. Don't mistake me for one of those art geeks. Art galleries are un-macho. However, the modern art is really cool. It is mostly made of film and video, and electronic arts. In a way it is art for the AV nerds. Which is fine. That is not too un-macho.

I have to go to Place des Arts.

I hopped on the bus, and headed west to Place des Arts. I did not feel like taking the Metro. I wanted to see things. I took the Route 15, Ste.-Catherine.

It did not take long, but upon exiting at the station, these "Transit Police Geeks" were waiting to check fares. I could never understand why they do that. I have a pass on my Opus card, which gives me a week of unlimited travel. What the fuck do they need to check?

One of the Geeks asked me, "Saviez-vous simplement montés dans le bus?"

I can't beleive he asked that. That deserves a sarcastic response, so I replied, "Non, je matérialise d'une autre dimension, et qui est arrivé à se retrouver à la station de métro Place des Arts."

One gave me a dirty look. Yeah, what are you going to do? Geek. Find some real work.

Should I say that aloud? Sure, why not? Like I said, what is he going to do?, "Trouver un vrai travail.", Then I turned and started my short journey to the gallery.

As I was walking away, I heard one say to the other, "Quel crétin."

While I was walking through the building to get to the museum, I heard them playing a French-language radio station, but the music was in English. Another one of those "Quebec Things" that I could never understand.

While I was enjoying the Museum of Modern Art, the Mayor was having a few minor problems back at Toronto City Hall...

He was holding an "Emergency meeting" with Council. Apparently the city is broke, and the Mayor now has to find a way to start saving money. I bet he wishes I was there right now. I am glad I am not there right now.

Wow imagine that? The city is broke. Wow. How did that happen? I am sure the Mayor Man will blame that on me. Yeah, I alreday have the entire police department pissed at me for cutting their budget by 15%.

Councillors were grilling the Mayor on how he was going to cut spending without cutting city services.

The mayor replied, "Well, we could just cut all of your wages."

It is amazing how that one statement changed the attitude of the council members. Yeah, everything is fine now. The city has a huge deficit, but who cares? As long as nobody touches the politician's wages, everything is fine. I mean, they deserve the pay they get. It takes a lot of work to come up with believable bullshit.

Jannet and James' cubes were now complete. The thought of having to share an office with those two makes me cringe. It is bad enough having to share with 'Goody-Two-Shoes' Judy.

Speaking of 'Pains in the butt', I wonder what John is up to? Probably in a donut shop someplace.

Meanwhille, at Place Dupuis across from Berri-UQAM, John was enjoying a honey dip donut and a coffee from the Dunkin Donuts.

So far, John was enjoying his stay in Montreal, even though he has only been here a day.

John was temporarily transferred to the Montreal Police due to budget cutbacks in Toronto. He is supposed to be here for three weeks, but it could be longer. The police in Montreal need to be biligual, and I had no idea John knew French. That thought alone scares the crap out of me.

John walked back up to the Dunkin Donuts counter to find out where the washroom was,"Quelle est la toilette?"

"Excusez-moi?", the lady said.

Quelle est la toilette?", John repeated.

She gave him and odd look and then explained, "C'est un bol rond utilisé pour faire vos affaires."

"Mercy.", John replied, and walked away.

The Dunkin Donuts lady followed him with a dirty look, as John eventually found the washroom by locating the "Toilettes" sign.

John was walking around in a Montreal Police uniform. I was waiting for someone to come running up to him panicking in French, and John not understanding a single word. Now that would be funny!

I had spent so much time in the gallery, and it was now getting late. I think I'll grab something to eat downtown before going back to the dorm.

Poutine. Montreal is known for its poutine. You can get it in Toronto as well, but it does not compare to real Montreal poutine. Poutine is an entire meal here. You can get potine with...poutine with sausage...poutine with smoked meat...poutine with bacon...poutine with, insert any artery-clogger here...

There is a place on Rue Ste.-Catherine that has poutine for a very reasonable price. Around nine dollars, I think. It is close to Berri-UQAM.

I will grab the Metro back to Berri-UQAM, and have a poutine before heading back to the room. Yeah, I know. I should not be eating this stuff, but if you don't tell Jeremy, I won't.

Once at the restaurant, I wanted to order a poutine with sausage. I sat at a table by the window. I like to look onto the street while I eat.

The waiter came over with a smile, "Bonne soirée. Voulez-vous boire un verre?"

I replied, "Bonne soirée. Je voudrais une bière."

He replied with a list of beers on tap, "Nous avons Bleu, Coors, Canadien, Rickards, Bud, Kieth's.

"S'il vous plaît Bleu", I said.

"Merci", said the waiter as he hurried off to the bar.

As I was waiting for my glass of Labatt Blue, I happened to glance outside, and did a double-take. I saw someone who looked just like John. Oh, no he has a double, who is living here! No, it is worse. It is John! What the hell is he doing here?

I stepped out of the restaurant, "John!"

He looked over, "Jake?"

I said to him with frustration, "What the hell are you doing in Montreal?"

"Maybe I should be asking you the same.", John replied.

"I'm training here. The mayor let me have the time off.", I said.

John replied with slight sarcasm, "I'm here because somebody found it necessary to cut the police budget by 15%. I'm not sure who..."

I have been talking to John for less than a minute, and I am already getting a headache.

I replied sarcastically, "Okay, John, cool it. I don't need any of your crap. I thought coming here would be a break from your bullshit."

I turned and walked back to the table. John followed.

By that time, the waiter had returned with my beer, "Etes-vous prêt à commander, monsieur?"

John had me so flustered that I went back to speaking English.

"Yes, I am.", I said in a rather flustered voice, as if I was angry at the waiter.

I had to apologize, "I'm sorry. I'd like a poutine with sausage, please."

"Thank you, sir.", he said, and did not seem bothered by my anger.

John planted his fat fucking donut-fed ass across from me.

"What do you want, John?", I said angrily, "I'm trying to have a nice dinner."

John got all smug, "Well, I'd like a beer, too."

I gave John a dirty look, "You can't have a beer now, you are in uniform."

"Fine.", he said abruptly.

"Excusez-moi!", John yelled, and embarrassed me.

The waiter ran over, "Oui, Monsieur."

"Coca-Cola.", John said, then looked at me with that smirk of his.

Sometimes I want to just knock that smirk right off his face.

I looked at John with disgust, "John, there is a donut shop across the street."

John replied, "I was there already, and anyway its closed now."

"Just my luck.", I replied with sarcasm.

"So, John", I commented, "How long until the Montreal Police get pissed off with your crap and kick your butt back to Toronto?"

"They happen to like me.", John said with pride.

"Yeah, its only been a day. Give it time", I said back.

The waiter brought John his Coke.

"Mercy.", John said.

"Mercy?", I questioned. "It is Merci.", I corrected with the proper pronunciation.

"Oh, excuse me, Mister I-Am-So-Perfect-At-Speaking-French.", John said with extreme sarcasm.

"Why are you such an ass?", I said.

"You're an Idiot."

"Banana head."

"Crap for brains."

"You suck."

"Retard."

"Dork."

Suddenly, I noticed all the other customers looking at us. I thought we were a bit old for this, so I decided to stop.

The waiter came with my poutine.

"MERCI !", I said loud, in an effort to embarrass John.

John looked at me and said,"Montreal has no affect on you, does it? You are still the world's biggest pain in the ass."

"Can I eat?", looking at John while attempting to grab a slop of poutine with my fork.

John was looking around, while in his usual daze.

I continued to eat and John continued to daze. At one point John just got up and walked away. He did manage to give me a quick little wave as he left.

Once I finished my meal, I headed back to the Alexandrie-Montreal. I walked along Rue Ste.-Catherine to Rue Amhurst.

There is a bus along Amhurst, but of course there is no evening service. Am I back home? Memories of the TTC. At least the buses are on time in Montreal.

I made it back to the dorm at just after nine. I will sit in the common area and read a bit, maybe sit at the computer for a while and see what is happening on Facebook. I have to get to bed at a decent time. I start training at Underdog early tomorrow.

Good night.

TO BE CONTINUED...