10 Minutes

“I don’t know Frank, I’m not sure this is such a good idea...”
“Henry, come on! What’s the worst that can happen?”
Henry pulled his coat tighter around himself.
“I don’t know...but I have a feeling I’m not going to like it.”
Frank grinned at his friend showing a lopsided set of teeth.
“You might meet the woman of your dreams you know?”
“I doubt it,” Henry snorted.

Frank was about to retort, but the doors to the function room opened and a woman dressed elegantly in black appeared before them, a clip board resting primly on a slender arm.
“Good evening Gentlemen!” she smiled at them. “Here for the speed dating?”
Henry looked down at his feet. Frank ignored him and flashed one of his most devastating smiles.
“My name’s Frank and this is my highly sexed mate Henry. You’ll have to forgive him – it’s his first time.”
The woman smiled sweetly at both of them, tipping her head with sympathy when she saw Henry staring at his shoes.
“Okay gentlemen, if you just go up to the table inside and register with Sarah, she’ll give you your name badges and then you can go through to the main hall where everyone’s gathered.”
Frank beamed at her.
“Well Henry, if the ladies are only half as lovely as our hostess here I’d say there is nothing to be afraid of.”
The woman stepped aside trying not to let Frank see her smile. Henry shuffled past still looking at his feet and not looking at the woman as he mumbled ‘thank you’.

They moved forward to the table and Frank quickly filled out a few forms, making Sarah the receptionist giggle as he chatted with her. Henry couldn’t figure out how he did it. Frank’s huge bulk was leering visibly at Sarah’s cleavage and despite the fact there was a queue forming behind them, she seemed not to care. Henry caught a glance at himself in a mirror hanging on the wall behind the table. Compared to Frank he was an oil painting. He looked normal, had a decent hair cut, didn’t smoke or drink and had a trim figure. The only physical advantage Frank had on Henry was his height. Now Henry knew women liked taller men, but once you got close to Frank’s face it was painfully obvious even to someone with cataracts that he was a little alternative.

“Confidence Henry, that’s what women like!” Henry’s brother always said. Henry shoved his hands deeper into his pockets. His brother Edward said and did a lot of things, most of them bad, but as he looked at Frank chatting up Sarah on reception he had to admit that maybe Edward had a point.

Eventually Frank straightened up and came over to Henry clutching two huge pink name badges.
“That one’s a hot little burner I tell you!”
“Get her number did you?” Henry asked glumly.
“How’d you guess?”
“I’m psychic. Come on, I think we’re supposed to mingle informally before this thing starts.”

They moved into the hall where about a hundred or so men and women were gathered near a makeshift bar in the far corner. Rows of small tables and chairs were set out in the centre. Henry followed Frank to the bar where they ordered two bottles of Stella and turned to survey the crowds around them.

“Halloween,” Frank pronounced moving into a sing-song voice. “’It’s the most sluttiest time of the year!’ I tell you Henry, if you don’t get laid tonight I’m going to cut off your testicles and give them to someone who might actually use them. ”
Henry supped at his drink and followed Frank’s gaze.

There were lots of well dressed men and women milling about trying to pretend that it was just another normal night out. Both sides were standing around casually sipping their drinks but the tension in the air was unmistakable.

After about five minutes a bell sounded and the elegant woman in black appeared in the centre of the room.
“Good evening ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the 3rd annual Halloween Speed Dating event at Rosterly Hall!”
There was a round of applause and a huge cheer from Frank. The woman smiled.
“Okay for those of you who haven’t been before the rules are simple; ladies take a seat behind the tables first. Then gentlemen you all file in and take a seat opposite a lady. A bell will sound. You will all have five minutes to talk to each other. At the end of the five minutes the bell will sound again at which point gentlemen, you have to get up and move to the next table and lovely lady along. We repeat this process until everyone has met and spoken to everyone else.”
Frank did a wolf whistle which drew some laughter from the crowd. The woman tried not to smile and continued. Henry could feel his heart beating faster.

“Each person will have a card with space to write down the name of everyone you meet. At the side of each name you will see a series of tick boxes that are labelled ‘Would like to see again, Nice but not my type, Average, Dislike, Not in a million years’”
This drew a massive laugh from Frank and several others. The woman smiled again.
“I’m joking about the last one of course. You simply tick the box that most aptly applies to the person you’ve spoken to. At the end I collect all the cards in and then over the next week you’ll receive a list and contact details of anyone who liked you. From then, it’s up to you what you’d like to do!”
Frank grinned at Henry who tried to return the smile, but was afraid it came out looking more like a grimace.
“If no one has any questions then, ladies if you’d like to take your seats”

The room was filled with soft noise as rows of chairs scraped and eager women sat down waiting for Romeo to sweep them off their feet. The woman in black moved to the side of the room where there was a table with a hand bell on it. Frank turned and placed his hands on Henry’s shoulders looking serious for a moment,
“Now remember Henry, this is supposed to be fun. So just stay calm and don’t panic.”
“Right, right,” Henry mumbled.
“I’m serious! Remember not to let what your brother thinks override your judgement. We don’t want an incident like what happened in London do we?”
“Frank, I’m not twelve. I haven’t spoken to my idiot brother since London, nor do I intend to speak to him ever again! I’m certainly not going to let him cloud my judgement now am I?!”
Frank relaxed his grip on Henry and smiled broadly.
“Good. Now what are you?”
“An irresistible sex God.”
“What are you not?”
“A pathetic loser who’s interested in science and has no balls.”
Frank slapped Henry on the back.
“That’s my boy! Now let’s go get ‘em Mr Horny!”

The bell rang and Frank bounded off ahead immediately, slamming himself into a chair opposite a very pale but pretty girl dressed all in white. Henry took several deep breaths.
“Be cool, be cool, be cool!” he muttered to himself as he moved over to an empty seat at the end of a row.

* * *
After about half an hour, Henry felt like he was actually going to have a heart attack. So far he had met six women all of which he had been unable to say more then ‘hi’ to. They had chatted to him for the five minutes allocated but seemed more then a little disappointed with his total lack of response. He had been trying he really had, but every time he tried to speak he kept hearing his brother’s voice in his head.
“Give it up Henry! You’re just not cut out for this game.”
“Shut up shut up!” Henry had muttered under his breath several times, much to the bemusement of several women.

After forty minutes Henry left yet another dead end conversation and slouched over to the next seat. He sighed and looked up at the next woman.
“Hi, I’m Marianne”
Henry blinked for a few moments. After ten seconds he heard himself say something that sounded like ‘brththerber?’ The girl who said her name was Marianne, giggled at him, her small nose wrinkling up in such a cute way that Henry felt his pulse quicken. He gripped the side of the table closing his eyes as he did so. ‘Control, control, control!’ he kept telling him self.

He looked up at the girl again. She was gorgeous. No, scrap that, she was beautiful! She was also speaking to him, but he couldn’t hear what she was saying.
“So your name’s Henry?”
“I’m sorry what?” Henry finally managed to say.
“I said, your name’s Henry,” Marianne said, pointing at his name badge. “Is that wrong?”
Henry struggled with how to respond. ‘Just confirm your name’, he heard him self saying in his head.
“Actually I prefer to go by the name Edward”
‘Oh God no!’ Henry thought.

“Oh, so you don’t like giving out your real name. Role play...I like that” the girl smiled and blinked long eyelashes at him.
‘Crap, crap, crap! No, don’t you dare Edward!’ Henry yelled in his head.
“I like it too,” Henry heard Edward saying. “Sounds very old fashioned to some people, but I’m an old fashioned kind of guy.”
“Really? How so?” Marianne said leaning closer, one hand resting on her chin. Henry felt Edward smile. She was definitely flirting with him.
“Well I still like to do things like hold the door open for a lady.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that. I like it when a man acts like a gentleman.”
Henry felt himself smile at her, except it was Edward’s smile. All Henry could do was watch and see what happened.
“So Edward, where are you from?”
“Oh, here and there. I share a flat with my brother at the moment. Works out well for us bachelor lads.”
“Really? That’s so nice! It’s not often you hear about brothers actually being able to live together. You must be close.”
“Yes we are. But I don’t want to talk about him at the moment. I want to talk about you. Where are you from?”
Marianne batted her eyelids again and smiled widely.
“Well, originally I’m from America, but I emigrated years ago and voila, I’ve been here ever since.”
Edward smiled at her, pulling Henry’s face into a look that Henry had never been able to manage. It said ‘I’m intelligent, confident, sophisticated and the kind of guy who knows what he wants. Interested?’ Henry scrambled against the wall in his head because he knew that Edward would not be able to control himself for much longer.

“Well Edward, looks like we’re almost out of time. Is there anything else you want to know about me?”
Edward leaned forward and took Marianne’s right hand in his own.
“Do you want to go some place a little quieter Marianne?”
‘Oh God!’ Henry thought inside. ‘Edward, please stop!’

To both his and Edward’s surprise, Marianne smiled at him seductively and he could feel her leg rubbing against his own.
“You know what Edward? That sounds like a great idea...”
“What?” Henry found himself saying. Both he and Edward were so shocked at the response that Edward had relinquished control and slipped back into the subconscious.
“So, where shall we go?” Marianne said and Henry had to stifle a gulp as she ran her tongue over her lips. This couldn’t be happening. Neither he nor Edward was ever this lucky. He because he could never get into a conversation with a girl for longer then two seconds, Edward because, well, Edward couldn’t control him self for longer then two seconds. Henry had been amazed he’d lasted as long as he did.

Henry looked at his watch. It was still only a quarter to nine. He looked around for Frank who was busy chatting to a young pretty looking girl with frizzy black hair and a nice smile. Even at the end of the session it was obvious Frank would have forgotten all about Henry and be walking out the door with about two women on either arm. Henry and Edward would not be missed.
“Well, I know a quiet little bar about ten minutes away so we can go there?” Henry suggested, thinking that if Edward resurfaced at least it wouldn’t be in front of all these people around them.
“Well then, let’s go!” Marianne said standing up and taking Henry’s arm.

“I want to smear strawberry ice cream all over you and lick it off slowly!” Edward said.
“I’m sorry!”
“Ahhmm...tourettes...I’ve suffered a little from it since I was a child. Shall we go?” Henry gestured to the door, hoping to get them out of there before Edward decided to put in another surprise appearance.

They were halfway to the door when Edward put his hand on Marianne’s bum and gave it a huge squeeze.
“Mmmmm....nice!” he said.
Marianne stopped, looking flustered but happy. Henry froze, not knowing how to react. Edward seemed to be hopping in and out like a jack rabbit, but so far had not caused Marianne to run away. She smiled at him and put her own hand on Henry’s rear.
“You naughty little minx! I’m going to have to spank you if you don’t behave!” Edward growled.
Marianne giggled again and Henry felt his own hand tighten on Marianne’s bum. What was going on?

Edward’s antics in the past had gotten Henry arrested, beaten up, spat at, strip searched at the airport and covered on the evening news. Edward and subtlety did not mix well together. Now here they both were with a beautiful woman who seemed to love Edward’s directness.

Henry managed to push Edward to the back as Marianne looked at him curiously.
“Are you all right Edward?” she said her head inclined with a raised eyebrow.
“Fine, fine! Sorry, I just...I just...I just get a little nervous around women sometimes and I end up saying...things...”
Marianne smiled at him and leaned up towards Henry’s face, their lips inches apart. He could feel her breath on his mouth. The effect was instantaneous.

“Of course we could just skip drinks and I’ll take you back to my man cave now,” Edward smirked.
Marianne lowered her eyelashes ever so slowly and for a moment didn’t say anything. Henry tried desperately to regain control but the effect of Marianne’s breath had been too much. Edward was in charge for the time being.

When Marianne raised her eyes again, her expression shifted slightly.
“Bastard!” she spat.
Edward blinked in confusion.
“I beg your pardon?” he said.
“Utter bastard!” Marianne repeated.

For once Edward had nothing to say and Henry felt his control returning slowly.
“You just wanted to sleep with me didn’t you? DIDN’T YOU?”
Edward started to put his arms around her waist. “That’s what we both want baby!”
She slapped him hard round the face. The force allowed Henry to retake the driver’s seat.
“I’m so sorry! The tourettes...” he managed to say before Marianne started screaming.
“YOU’RE JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHERS, AN UTTER BASTARD WHO TAKES WHAT HE WANTS AND THEN FUCKS OFF! YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT ME AT ALL DO YOU? I’M JUST TITS AND AN ARSE FOR YOU TO USE AND DISCARD WHEN YOU’RE DONE! AREN’T I?”
“Is that a problem?” Edward chimed in again.
The force of the slap echoed around the room and sent Henry staggering backwards.

Marianne stalked off toward the door. Before she slammed it behind her, she looked at Henry with utter disdain.
“Bastard!”

Henry stood very still for a few moments afterwards, trying to ignore the eyes of everyone in the room on him.
“Are you all right?”
The elegant woman in black had sidled up quietly beside him.
“I think so.... I’m not sure what just happened?”
She sighed at him, taking him by the arm to the bar at the end of the room. People slowly turned back to their dates and began chatting again.

The woman ordered two vodkas from the bar and passed one to Henry before he could protest.
“It’s my fault,” she said taking a deep draught from her glass. “Tess is my friend. I suggested she come along tonight. She has trouble meeting new guys.”
“Tess?” Henry asked. “She told me her name was Marianne.”
The woman shook her head sadly.
“Marianne again? Oh God, I’m so sorry, she hasn’t appeared for ages.”
“Appeared?”
“Yes, Tess suffers from a mild form of multiple personality disorder. She’s fine usually...when she’s remembered to take her pills that is.”

Henry turned back to the door that ‘Marianne’ had slammed so forcibly shut. Inside he could feel Edward giving him the thumbs up. He smiled.

“Do you have her number?”

© John Allen 2012