Infidelity

“Mmm, Claire, let’s do that again.”

Rachel stopped reading and looked down at Mark. He mumbled and a smile played across his sleeping features.

Rachel hit him with the book.

“Ow, what the hell? What’s happening?” Mark sat up, looking round wildly.

“Who is Claire?”

“What?”

“Who is Claire and what are you doing with her?”

“What? What are you on about?” Mark rubbed his shoulder and looked confused.

“You just said. ‘Mmm, Claire, let’s do that again.’ Now, what were you dreaming about?”

“I said that?”

“Yes, you did.”

“Um, I dunno. I didn’t even realise I was dreaming. I don’t know anyone called Claire. Except Claire at work.”

Rachel hit him again. “Who is Claire at work?”

“Ow, Jesus. Stop hitting me with-“, he grabbed the book”-Anna Karenina? This thing is six hundred pages. At least use a smaller book.”

Rachel stared at him, waiting.

“What? Claire? She’s about seventy and looks like Bruce Forsyth.”

Rachel narrowed her eyes.

“Look, I don’t fancy Claire. Or Bruce Forsyth.”

“If you ever cheat on me, Marcus, I will… cut your balls off.” Rachel made a scything motion and Mark winced. “You got that?”

“Yeah, I got it. Sheesh.”

“Just as long as you understand.”

“It’s pretty clear. If I sleep with someone else, you’ll castrate me.”

“If you so much as look at anyone else, I will castrate you.” Rachel’s finger pointed threateningly.

“Now, wait a minute. Let me get this straight. What happens if I sleep with another woman?”

“I cut your balls off.”

“Right. What if I kiss another woman?”

“I cut your balls off.”

“And if I just look at another woman? I know, I know, you cut my balls off. So all these… misdemeanours have the same punishment? Gonad removal?”

“You’d better believe it.”

“So, logically, if I happen to find myself, in a moment of weakness, looking at another woman, I might as well go for it and try and sleep with her? My fate is sealed. I’m going to lose ‘em so I might as well try and use ‘em.”

“Oh, go back to sleep. It’s impossible to have a serious conversation with you.”

Mark shook his head and settled back down under the duvet. Rachel opened her book crossly.

Mark gave a sudden moan. “Oh, Claire, baby. Nice to see you, to see you nice. Higher or lower, hot stuff? Oh yeah, that feels so good…” Rachel silenced him with a final whack of the book.

Mark’s sniggers turned gradually into the regular breathing of sleep. Rachel sighed and closed the book. Maybe she should call off the affair with Jonah. The whole thing was making her tetchy.