Wriggly Baggins’ gold medal adventure

It was the most exciting time in the history of Hobbiton, indeed some said it was the most extraordinary event in the entire history of the Middle Earth: Hobbiton was hosting the Olympic Games. Competitors were coming from every corner of the Middle Earth: Elves from Rivendell and Lothlorien, Dwarves from the Black Mountains, Men from Gondor and Rohan, as well as Trolls, Ents and Oliphants. Even Smeagel / Gollom was taking part in the synchronised sneaking competition. There would be a host of games: pin the tail on the Oliphant, Roll out the Barrel, Tug of War, Tug of Peace.

The Hobbiton Council Strong Room had never held such wealth, 274 golden medallions to be presented to every winner and this was real, solid gold, not the cheap imitation you get in some Olympics. 73 guards were posted around the Strong Room to protect the unique prize.

However, so much gold in one place was bound to attract unwanted attention, and no attention was could be more unwanted than that of a dragon. Smaug had smelt the gold from his lair 300 miles distant, and had flown all the way to Hobbiton to seek it out.

The gold was enclosed in a solid lead Strong-room in a fortified Council Chamber (the Council meetings could get pretty heated at times). However, the private security firm brought in to organise security for the games had failed to invest in proper anti-dragon protection. The 73 guards had never received training in fighting off dragons and simply ran away as soon as Smaug approached. The security proved completely inadequate against a dragon determined to get gold medals. With one swipe of his great paw Smaug demolished the western wall of the Council building (the one overlooking the Brandywine) and he flew inside, past terrified guards fleeing in the opposite direction.. One fiery puff of his foul breath melted the leadened walls of the Strong-room melted into liquid and Smaug surfed across the stream of medal towards the glimmering pile of gold medallions, which he took no time at all to remove.

With his prize achieved in record time, Smaug flew up into the sky towards the setting sun, the dying rays of which glittered onto the gold, giving Smaug’s retreating form an angelic glow in the darkening sky.

“Shit,” the hobbits said in unison, “we’ll have to cancel the Olympics.”

At that very moment Olympic hopeful Wriggly Baggins returned to Hobbiton on his trusty cycle, Steed (Wriggly was a big Avengers fan). He had just that day won the coveted ‘Grey Cardigan’ for winning the annual cycle race across the Francis de la Tour mountain range, 4,000 miles of the toughest conditions known to hobbit, man or bike and in all that time he’d never strayed once from the designated cycle lanes nor jumped a single red light.

“Do you like my new cardigan?” Wriggly said to the hobbits gathered in Hobbinton Square.

“Oh sod off Wriggly,” his hobbit friends replied. Clearly they were not in the mood for celebration of his triumph. “The Olympics are cancelled,” they explained.

“Cancelled! But I wanted to win a gold medal to go with my nice new cardigan.”

“There are no gold medals. Smaug the dragon has taken them all to his lair, and the games are due to start in just 2 days.”

“Never fear,” Wriggly Baggins said, “I will go after Smaug and retrieve the stolen medals.”

“But Smaug’s lair is 300 miles away,” the hobbits protested, “and even if you got there on time, he’s a bloody great dragon! You’ll never get the medals back.”

But Wriggly wouldn’t listen. He was brimming with confidence after his cardy-winning triumph over Francis de la Tour. He leapt onto Steed and peddled furiously towards Smaug’s cave.

Wriggly’s plan was quite simple. “I’ll cycle all the way to Smaug’s lair, cycle into the cave, and I’ll peddle so quickly the poor dragon won’t even have time to notice I’m there. I’ll swipe the medals and pedal back to Hobbiton before you can say Speed-Cycling-Based Dragon-Raid.”

The first part of the plan went perfectly. Even though Smaug lived 300 miles from Hobbiton Wriggly was such a fast cyclist that it took him less than a day to get there (not bad when you consider that hobbits have such little legs).

However, when he reached Smaug’s residence his plans were ruinously frustrated. Smaug had heard all about the great Wriggly Baggins and had laid a trap across the entrance to his cave; several lines of nails all across the entrance. Anyone cycling into the cave would immediately burst their types and be helplessly at the mercy of the merciless beast.

Luckily Wriggly devised an alternative plan. “I’ll tiptoe into the cave very quietly and hope the dragon doesn’t notice me retrieving the ill-gotten gold.”

He chained his bike to the dragon’s front gate and gently tip-toed over the lines of nails and into the deep, dark depths of the cave.

Wriggly thought he would be hidden by the darkness, but brightened by his golden hoard, Smaug could see every distant corner of his cave and was ready as Wriggly approached.

“Ha, ha, ha,” the dragon roared, “the great Wriggly Baggins, reduced to nothing without his wondrous bicycle. How do you propose to kill me little one? Will you smother me with your precious grey cardigan? Batter me to death with your cycle pump?”

Damn, thought Wriggly, he’s anticipated both of my plans.

The dragon menacingly crawled towards him, sparks of furious rivalry spouting from his hungry lips.

But Wriggly wasn’t afraid. He stood his ground bravely and declared: “You don’t scare me. I’m the greatest living athlete. I’ve cycled up the Francis de la Tour mountains in record time. I didn’t even stop to change my socks. Then I cycled from Hobbiton to here in a matter of hours, still not stopping to change my socks.”

The dragon roared with laughter again and his mirthful roar echoed around the cavernous chamber.

“Ha, ha, ha. So you can cycle fast, how will that help you now when you are without your bike? Your Olympic sports are no use in battle, especially in battle against a dragon. You have no army, not even a weapon. You are nothing but a brave fool. A brave fool who is about to die.”

“I may not have an army,” Wriggly roared back,” but I do have the smelliest socks ever known in the whole history of the Middle Earth.”

So saying, Wriggly peeled off the foul garments that were sticking unpleasantly to his feet and flung them straight at the dragon’s nose. Poor Smaug didn’t have a chance; he gasped for breath, roared with anger and collapsed, poisoned by the fumes of the savagely smelly socks.

Wriggly quickly retrieved the stolen gold, leapt onto his Steed and peddled like crazy, all the way back to Hobbiton.

“Hurrah for Wriggly Baggins,” the hobbits shouted when he returned with they gold,” “there’s only one Olympic champion this year and that’s Wriggly,” other hobbits added. “They should turn this into a movie,” another hobbit suggested, “no, make that three movies” and this was greeted by the biggest cheer of all.

With the medals back the games began in earnest, but that, dear reader, is another story.