Death and the PA

The job advert was intriguing. ‘Well-known figure seeks PA. Further details to be revealed at interview, if selected. Please send CV and covering letter. Full-time, would fit part-time hours.’

I almost didn’t apply. I’ve never bought into celebrity culture and didn’t want to spend my life working for some spoilt, celebrity brat. Also, as a single parent, I couldn’t do a full-time job, even one that claimed to ‘fit part-time hours’. However, there were few other jobs around so I sent off my CV.

If I thought the ad was short on detail that was nothing compared to the letter I received, hand-written in gothic script. It said ‘I am pleased to inform you that you have been selected for interview. Please be ready to be collected from home at 1.30 pm on Thursday 17th April’. It said nothing about where I would be taken to, where I’d be working, there was no number to ring, no address and the email address I’d sent my CV to bounced back.

I couldn’t prepare, all I could do was wear my interview suit and see what happened. At 1.29 pm the street was empty, not a car in sight.

Then at 1.30 pm something magical happened. I suddenly found myself sitting in an office reception, still holding my mug of coffee.

“Becky Sanders?” It was an elderly, professional woman, peering at me from behind a desk.

“Er, yes,” I said, flustered. “What just happened?”

“You were collected,” she said, “like the letter said.”

“But how?” It was like something from science fiction. “Have I just been teleported? Is this a military thing, or NASA?”

The woman chuckled warmly. “Oh dear, no, no, nothing like that. You haven’t strictly speaking moved at all, there’s just been a dimensional shift. You’re in the Sixth Dimension now.”

“The sixth dimension?”

“Yes, Death’s Domain. The job’s working for Death.”

“Death? But he’s not real, he’s just a myth.”

“Well, if He’s not real I don’t know who I’ve been working for for the last forty years.”

I was lost for words, well, what would you say if you found yourself in that situation? I was out of my comfort zone.

“So is this Death’s waiting room?” I said eventually, deciding to lighten the mood with a joke.

“Death’s waiting room? That’s a good one,” she said, unsmiling, “no, this is Death’s Realm, you won’t come here when you die, He comes to you.”

I sat there in awkward silence while she tapped away on a keyboard, before she eventually looked up.

“Right, He will see you now.”

I sat, waiting to be plucked through space to the new location.

“It’s through that door,” she said, pointing. Feeling rather foolish I got out of my seat and walked across the room.

Death sat waiting for me. He was just like in the pictures, a tall, skeletal figure covered in a thick dark cloak that covered all his body bar His face and feet, and when faced with Death you never look down at His feet.

“YOU’VE GOT THE JOB,” Death said by way of introduction.

“Don’t you want to interview me first?”

“THERE IS NO NEED. I HAVE BEEN WATCHING YOU. YOU ARE PERFECT FOR THIS ROLE; EFFICIENT, UNFLAPPABLE BUT WITH YOU OWN, HOW SHALL I SAY, INDIVIDUAL TOUCH.”

“You’ve been following me? What gives you the right to follow me around?”

“YOU APPLIED FOR THE JOB. BESIDES, I INTRUDE ON EVERYBODY EVENTUALLY, YOU MIGHT AS WELL GET USED TO IT.”

“Well, I think it’s an imposition. Anyway, interview is a two-way process. I don’t know anything about the job. I don’t know anything about you. I thought you were a myth.”

“CLEARLY I AM NOT A MYTH.”

“So what do you do exactly?”

“I AM SIMPLY A GATHERER OF SOULS. WHEN A PERSON DIES IT IS MY ROLE TO FREE THEM FROM THEIR MORTAL COIL SO THAT THEY MAY PROGRESS TO THE NEXT WORLD.”

“So there is a next world? There is a god?”

“I HAVE NOT SEEN THE NEXT WORLD, THOUGH THE FERRYMAN DELIVERS THE FREED SOULS THERE.”

“The Ferryman?”

“THE FERRYMAN WHOSE JOB IT IS TO FERRY SOULS OVER THE RIVER STYX TO THE SHORES OF THE DEAD. ONE OF YOUR ROLES WILL BE TO PAY HIM HIS DUE FOR THIS SERVICE.”

So there is a god? Which religion is right, if that’s the right expression?

“THERE ARE MANY, MANY GODS. ALL RELGIONS ARE ‘RIGHT’, EACH SOUL PASSES OVER TO THEIR CHOSEN AFTERWORLD.”

“But that’s impossible, most religions say there is only one god and only one heaven, how can they be right and wrong at the same time?”

Death sighed, as if he was tired of answering the same old questions. “WE DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY IN THE SIXTH DIMENSION. SO, ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE THE JOB?”

“We haven’t discussed pay and conditions. The ad was confusing, it said full-time work, would fit part-time hours. That makes no sense.”

“IT IS SIMPLE. I AM DEATH, I SLICE THROUGH TIME WITH MY SCYTHE, IT IS AN INFERIOR DIMENSION. MY CURRENT PA WORKS A 36 HOUR WEEK HERE, YET SHE IS AWAY FROM HER MORTAL WORLD JUST TWO HOURS PER DAY, MONDAY TO FRIDAY.”

“I see. Well that would work for me, I have two kids at school and I can’t trust them to behave themselves if I’m not around.”

“I SHOULD WARN YOU, IT MAY FEEL SLIGHTLY STRANGE AT FIRST, AS IF YOUR BODY IS BEING STRETCHED INTO A FOURTH DIMENSION. THIS IS SIMPLY BECAUSE YOUR BODY IS BEING STRECHED INTO A FOURTH DIMENSION, TIME.”

“I understand. What about pay?”

“I WILL PAY YOU DOUBLE WHAT YOU EARN NOW.”

Okay, two hours per day at double pay. That’s not bad. “It’ll have to be index linked though, I’m not working for the same wage for the rest of eternity.”

“THAT IS FINE. I AM COLLECTING THE SOUL OF A TAX LAWYER SHORTLY, I SHALL SEEK HIS ASSISTANCE IN DRAWING UP A CONTRACT.”

“So when would I start?”

“IMMEDIATELY. MY PA DIED RECENTLY.”

We walked back into the main office. The seat behind the desk was empty.

“You mean the old lady? But she can’t be dead. She was here when I arrived. And I was with you, there was no way you could have been to her.”

“IN ORDER TO FILL MY FUNCTION I OFTEN HAVE TO BE IN MANY PLACES AT ONCE. THE SIXTH DIMENSION ALLOWS THAT, IT’S SOMEWHAT FLEXIBLE.”

“But where’s her body? What have you done with it?”

“VALERIE (SHE HAD A NAME YOU KNOW) DIED AT HOME IN BED, WHERE SHE HAS BEEN FOR THE PAST MONTH.”

“But she was here with me until a few minutes ago.”

“DID I NOT MENTION THE FACT THAT THE SIXTH DIMENSION IS FLEXIBLE? FUNNY, I COULD HAVE SWORN I DID.”

“No need to be like that. I haven’t accepted the job yet. I could just walk out of the door.”

Death turned to the thick wooden door I was looking at.

“WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU WILL FIND THERE? THIS IS THE REALM OF DEATH, NOT AN OFFICE IN CROYDON HIGH STREET.”

“Oh, I forgot. What will I find there?”

“I’VE NO IDEA. WHATEVER YOU THINK YOU’LL FIND. THE SIXTH DIMENSION IS QUITE OBLIGING.”

“Do you always speak in capitals?”

“SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME, YES. IT ADDS A CERTAIN GRAVITAS. SO, ARE YOU READY TO BEGIN WORK?”

“I suppose so.”

“THERE ARE ONE OR TWO RULES YOU MUST ADHERE TO. YOU ARE FORBIDDEN FROM SEARCHING OUT THE TIMELINES OF YOURSELF OR YOUR FAMILY IN THE BOOK OF THE DEAD. YOU MAY NOT ATTEMPT TO ADD SAND TO ANY HOUR GLASS IN ORDER TO EXTEND LIFE, IT IS FORBIDDEN TO TALK ABOUT YOUR WORK HERE IN YOUR EARTHLY LIFE AND YOU MUST NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, WEAR A HAT IN THE OFFICE. IT’S UNLUCKY.”

“A hat! I see. That’s a lot to remember, is there a list anywhere?”

“THESE ARE ETERNAL RULES, AND ETERNAL RULES DO NOT HAVE TO BE WRITTEN DOWN.”

“Well, I’ll draw up a list. Good communication depends on sharing information, not keeping it that skull of yours.”

I was taking a risk making reference to his bony form, but I figured that if I was going to work with Him, Death needed to know my sense of humour.

I sat down and typed up the list. Death stood and watched, though I already understood that in another dimension He was also out and about collecting the souls of the dead.

“Right,” I said when I’d finished, “here, a list of All Things Forbidden in the Realm of Death. I’ve also designed a ‘Permission to Breach Eternal Laws form. I’ve always found that wherever there’s a rule that must never be broken there will come along a perfectly valid reason to break it in virtually no time at all.”

“HMMM. A PERMISSION TO BREACH ETERNAL LAWS FORM. YOU SEE, I KNEW YOU WERE THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB.”