Sadness!

By Denzella

Wed, 24 Jul 2013
  • 1831 reads
13 comments
 

Sadness!

Sadness feels like a blanket covering me, enveloping me but not comforting me. It feelsliek a w eight on my chest. I wan tot shake itoff but I cant. Why cant I? I don’t want ot feel lie kthis. I wan to feel like smiling, ot feel happy, to feelnormal. But I don’t…feel normal.

Today I don’t feeli have possiblities oly limitations. I don’t feellike I hav e friends. I don’t feel my family understands me. I have beenpsince one thirty five. It is now 06.52 and my fingrs wont work I will have to retype this whne my medication kicks in. I hate this thing,this abomination that makes me feel llike tis. I seem ot spend most nights wandringthe house or sitting at my computer trying ot read stories but mye eyes wont focus and my fngers wont work and my voicer recoginito does recognise me. I don’t recorgnise me. I odnt want to be tis persn. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself . but at htsi moment I do.. I fucking do!

I know there are people tah ar wrse off than me but that is no comfort to know someone fees worse than me. I feel bad enogh and I dnt gain comfort fomknowing they feel worse. I wuldnt wishit on myworst enemy. I hate myself for writing this and ifi post it I ill probablyleave the oucntry. Embarrasment that seems to b e my speciality; I seem to be able to cause myself so much tat I ogred tining about it.

I’m beginning ot think this is a masterpiece…a streamof conscience, jame joyce sort of masterpiece. No no really Iitis just my usualbadlywritten crap only this tyime badly typed ytoo/

Fuck it! what do I c are. But I do care too much, so much that I even treid to writetype this properly.

I give up I might jus ttry goingbackot bed it is now07.14. oh whatami comlaing about it ha s only takenme twenty two iminsutees to tye ths. This in my terms is Success!

Certificate 18
Story
Rant

Comments

Submitted by VeraClark on
Moya, I'm reading this as a remarkable success. You've created a piece that conveys all your frustrations and pain - actually, it also shows the stress through the typing - and had the conviction to post it. The meaning isn't diluted by a few typos.So sorry to hear the emotional and physical challenges you're up against.I agree with 'abomination.' The sheer fact that you're still writing screams one thing to me: You're Marvellous.

 

Submitted by Denzella on
Vera, Thank you. I don't feel marvellous...I feel useless but your kind words have lifted me however undeserved. Moya
 

Submitted by blighters rock on
I know it's no consolation, Moya, but I know just how you feel. Love the Jame Joyce bit! I'm gearing up to get out of my own little hole and this piece of yours makes me realise I'm really not as alone as I choose to think. Don't let the illness get you down!

 

Submitted by Denzella on
Richard thnnk you, NO, it's only when i can't type or red that i feellike tis. Chuck a few tablet sdown my throat and then I'm unrecognizablel The kackj f skeeodoesn't help. ut toyd is a new day hav ea goood holiday. moya
 

Submitted by Linda Wigzell Cress on
Moya, I can only agree with Vera. A piece of work which shows what a very good writer you are. And a strong, perceptive person. I don't know how you do it. Never give up! Linda

Linda

Submitted by Denzella on
Linda, thank you, your words mean a lot. I am not usually so self-pitying but at night when the medication has worn off I now find I can't get my eyes to focus so can't read anything on ABC and I also can't type as my fingers won't work. Even when the meds are working I still find I keep typing words backwards for some reason and my spelling is now atrocious. What I find depressing is that it seems I have a smaller and smaller window where I can contribute anything. I'm beginning to think I'm ready for the knacker's yard but I've just learned one has to sit an entrance exam. Moya
 

Submitted by hudsonmoon on
Ah, dear Moya. I'm so sorry to hear you are not well. And I didn't think it trash at all. I love bare-bones writing. The sort of honesty that let's one know the true state of things. I could never do that. I could never sit at a keyboard when I was at a low point. It's brave of you to do so. Hugs to you, dear lady. I'll be thinking about you. Rich

 

Submitted by Denzella on
Hello Rich, It's not that I am unwell. I am frustrated by my inability to do things which I enjoy such as reading stories and poems on ABC which I used to do at night because I don't sleep much and also I did a lot of my writing at night which helped to pass the time. Now all I can do is wander around the house hoping the night will soon pass but it never does. It's got to the stage where I dread going to bed. However,from now on, I shall post only happy stories and keep away from the keyboard when I feel down. Don't know how long that will last... But thank you, Rich, for your concern. Moya
 

Submitted by TVR on
Hi Moya, I started reading this piece, correcting very uncharacteristic typos and soon realised that I was missing the point. A good piece from you, darls – heartfelt, honest and different. Because you are more often than not, upbeat, this one caught me on the hop. I forget how difficult it must be for you to write some days – do anything, in fact. Please don’t feel sad for too long, baby. Trev

TVR

Submitted by Denzella on
Trev, I emailed to try to warn you not to read this but it seems I was too late. Thankfully, the mood has passed and I don't feel bad to that extent any more. I don't want to get used to feeling like that. I want to put up a fight. I can't let that old boy Parkinson beat me. I have too much living still to do. So, I have made a pact with myself that when I feel like that I will go downstairs and put telly on instead. You will be relieved to hear, I will stay well clear of the keyboard! Moya x
 

Submitted by The royster on

Hi Moya,   Just four little words by other MD sufferers   "Don't ever give up".  They are the words that I was told when I found I could no longer do the things that I once took for granted.    You have a wonderful gift in your way with words.  I wish I was as gifted.  There  are many it seems out here that love your work and that was one powerful piece that made me think how lucky I am.   Keep up the good work hun.  Roy

 

Submitted by Denzella on

Hello Roy,

Thank you for your kind words but they are completely undeserved. It was a moment of weakness and frustration and boredom.  Wandering the house at night because I couldn't read; my eyes wouldn't focus and I coulldn't write because my fingers would not work so I indulged in a spot of self pity which is all rather embarrassing now. I've just got to get used to the idea that I am losing the ability to do things that are precious to me.  It's a slow deteriation but one that I am acutely aware of. LIke not being sure I've spelt deteriation.  It doesn't look right but I can't work out what's wrong.

Enough about me.  What about you?  I don't know much about MD Muscular Dystrophy. Is it like Parkinson's a brain disorder or is it more physical?  Either way, they are both unpleasant. 

I need to get over to your site and LInda's because she has a really good serial story going and I want to keep up. 

Lovely to hear from you.

Moya

 

Submitted by The royster on

Hiya Moya.  Don't be embarrased about it. Not only do you get it off your chest, you show others how you're feeling,  and that you're not just another person who can write great stuff.  It lets us see the real you and I think that is important. Keep up the great work.  Gonna read some more over the weekend.   Just to help out, Deterioration. So you were not far out,  MD is Neuromuscular.  The cells in the muscles break down leaving you very weak. I guess I have been lucky enough to get to this age and still stay on my own 2 feet, though I do fall quite often. It's beginning to hurt more now that I cannot put my arms out to stop myself landing awkwardly.  As you say, both very unpleasant.  I have a good friend who also has Parkinsons so I do know what you're going through.    "Don't Ever Give Up"    Roy