How To Train Your Dog

I can’t take a bath tonight because the dog had a puppy in the bathtub so she tells me I have to use the shower in her room. It’s dark in her room and it stinks bad and I walk to her bathroom as fast as I can because she says not to run in the God damned house.

She says not to touch anything in the bathroom. She says there’s poison in there that will kill me. Most of the light bulbs don’t work. It’s hard to open the shower door because the wheels on it are brown and rusty. I turn the faucets but I don’t know how to make the water hot or cold so I guess and I take off my clothes. I see lots of stuff but I don’t see any poison but I’m not totally sure. I get into the shower and the water is burning and I can’t close the door all the way. She says not to get the God damned floor wet and I yank real hard to make the door shut. My soap isn’t in here, the green kind I use in the bathtub. There is a can and I push on the cap and white foam comes out and I put it all over my body. It smells like those mints we get sometimes at Uncle Terry’s apartment. I stand in the shower for a long time and I watch the white foam spin down the drain.

I think I am maybe taking too long because in a little while she opens the door. She says not to fucking pee in her God damned shower but I am not peeing. I look down and I see shower water falling down from my thing. She has a mad face and she drops her glass of flat lemonade and she grabs me by my hair and says not to fucking pee in her God damned shower again. The glass is broken and she tells me to not track blood all over her God damned carpet, so I have to put my shoes on to go back to my room.

When she comes to my room she has another glass of the flat lemonade and she says to take off my shoes and to put on my jammies. They are the old Superman ones that I got for Christmas last year from gramma. They are too tight now and I hope gramma gets me some new ones sometime. It is hard to put them on. She says I am taking forever putting them on like a fucking retard. She says sit on the bed so I sit on the bed and she picks the glass from the bottom of my feet. It hurts so I think about the puppy in the bathtub that I can maybe play with when it gets old enough.

Uncle Terry comes over. I know what his car sounds like so I know it is Uncle Terry. Uncle Terry uses his loud voice and she uses her loud voice too. Later I have to pee for reals so I get up to go to the bathroom. I can see Uncle Terry on the couch and I can see her booby but I am quiet and they don’t see me. She says not to ever go out there at night when Uncle Terry is over but I have to go pee way bad so I am quiet. The dog and the puppy are asleep in the bathtub and I really want to play with the puppy. But I am not supposed to wake them up and I don’t want her or Uncle Terry to get mad faces so I stand on my toes and I go pee in the sink so I don’t have to flush and make noise and my feet hurt because of the glass. Some of the pee goes on my Superman jammies and I go back to my room but no one sees me.

I really like the book I am reading and it’s about a boy who works for all summer to get money to buy a dog. The lady at school gave me the book to keep so I don’t have to give it back and I fall asleep reading it.

In the morning we I am eating Cheerios and the milk tastes weird and Uncle Terry seems extra mad about the puppy. Uncle Terry tells her the puppy is bad because that stupid bitch dog broke out and did it with a neighbor dog and what kind of dog has one pup. She tells him to watch his fucking French. She makes me go back to my room and I’m not even done with my Cheerios.

Uncle Terry watches games on TV all afternoon so I don’t get to see my shows. He drinks lots of beer and she keeps drinking the flat lemonade. I’m not allowed to touch the flat lemonade and she says I will die if I ever go near it so I don’t. Uncle Terry uses his loud voice a lot. I can hear him all the way in my room. He says someone doesn’t know how to throw right and he says come on.

I have a record player someone gave me but I don’t have a record for it. I like to put my army guys on the circle part and watch them go around and around. That’s what I am doing when I hear the dog barking outside. I hear the bathtub going and she is using her loud voice and Uncle Terry is using his loud voice. Uncle Terry tells her to shut that fucking dog up or he will and then the bathtub stops. Uncle Terry comes into my room and he is all wet, even his hair. He tells me come here so I go with him. I ask him did he give the puppy a bath and he laughs. He says that puppy is gone and he says he’s gonna show me something.

We go outside to the yard to see the dog. The dog is still barking and Uncle Terry chases the dog and he gets it by the collar. He says shut the fuck up with his loud voice and then he takes its mouth and pushes down super hard. Uncle Terry looks up at me and he tells me this is how you make a God damned dog stop barking. The dog’s tongue is sticking out and there is blood because maybe he is pushing too hard but the dog stops barking and it runs away behind a tree when he lets go.

The last pages of my book got torn out so I don’t get to know what happens in the end. It’s okay because I like the book and I start to read it again from the first page. It’s dark when Uncle Terry leaves. She is on the porch using her loud voice at him and he uses his loud voice on her. I already got back into my Superman jammies. I hope I can get a new puppy someday.