Streptococcus

 

 

Plop! - went the yoghurt as it landed on the back of Sanchez the Racing Pigeon.

 

"Aahh!" went Sanchez the Racing Pigeon as he plummeted to the ground.

 

 

 

Strange things had been happening of late. Yoghurt falling from the sky. Toast popping up from toasters less toasted than when it went it. Garlic crushers turning on their owners.

 

"Ohh," went Sanchez, as the world slowly refocused around him.

 

Freddy the Fork and Percy the Plate appraised the situation.

 

"He appears to have a big glob of pink yoghurt on his back," said Freddy.

 

"It is in the shape of a heart," said Percy.

 

"It appears to have been the cause of his descent," said Freddy.

 

"Ohh," went Sanchez once more.

 

"Let us await his full and lucid return to consciousness," said Freddy.

 

"Rightey-ho," said Percy.

 

 

 

"What are we gonna do?" said Sanchez, as they all sat round a large rock sharing a Peperami.

 

"Beats me," said Freddy the Fork, ironically.

 

"I think we need to dish out some justice," said Percy the Plate.

 

"That doesn't even make sense," said Freddy and Sanchez simultaneously.

 

They each had a bite of Peperami, then Sanchez said:

 

"We need to go to the source."

 

"Rightey-ho," said Percy and Freddy simultaneously.

 

 

 

No one ever said it was easy for a plate and a fork to keep up with a racing pigeon. And they were right.

 

"Slow down!" said Freddy and Percy.

 

"Haven't you got skates or something?" said Sanchez.

 

"Oh yes," said Freddy and Percy, who got their skates on and kept up easily.

 

"To the source!" said Sanchez, and off they went.

 

 

 

They travelled over mountains and tundras and oceans and car parks... and eventually came to a cave. It was quite dark. There was a complex arrangement of garlic crushers above the entrance.

 

"This is the place," said Sanchez.

 

"How do you know?" said Freddy.

 

"The garlic crushers."

 

"Oh yes."

 

And in they went.

 

Littered throughout were a load of old toasters.

 

Scattered, they were, like the bones of myriad meals of a manky malicious monster - or a surplus toaster sale.

 

The fearsome threesome trod carefully amidst the desolation of appliances, until they realised someone had laid down some crazy paving to one side of the cave.

 

"That's handy," Percy noted, and along the crazy paving path they went.

 

 

 

The cave got darker. Then lighter. Then darker again. And then just a little bit lighter. And then it got really light. And then it got quite dark again.

 

It was partially crazy paved throughout.

 

"I am impressed by the level of workmanship," said Percy.

 

"It reminds me of Uncle Terrence's driveway," said Freddy.

 

"Oh the seamless joins..." said Percy.

 

"You fools!" said Sanchez. "You speak of garden architecture when the world as we know it is in crisis!"

 

"You'd be impressed if you knew," said Percy.

 

"Knew what?" said Sanchez.

 

"That Uncle Terrence is a teaspoon."

 

"Fair point."

 

It was then that they arrived at the culmination of their journey... and their lives were never the same again.

 

 

 

It was a cavern of cathedral-like proportions. Garlic crushers lined the walls, magnificent in their sparkliness. Toasters covered every inch of the floor. A diffuse pinkness emanated from the walls, as if they had been painted with strawberry yoghurt - which in fact they had... and gloopy pink stalactites (with little red bits in) hung from the ceiling. And...

 

"There's no more crazy paving," said Percy the Plate.

 

"Oh fuck," said Freddy the Fork.

 

 

 

Sanchez the Racing Pigeon hurtled towards the centre of the cavern, to cries of alarm from his compadres.

 

"This ends tonight!" cried Sanchez, as Freddy and Percy became aware of his destination.

 

A Small Yappy Dog.

 

Which upon Sanchez's approach started yapping.

 

Maniacally.

 

"Stop!" called Sanchez. "In the name of-"

 

The Small Yappy Dog was standing on top of a tower of washing machines.

 

The yapping increased in intensity.

 

The washing machines commenced a rinse cycle, from the bottom one up.

 

"Holy Zanussi," said Freddy.

 

"I an perturbed," said Percy.

 

Sanchez screamed and collided with the Small Yappy Dog.

 

 

 

There was Kung Fu.

 

There was fancy wire work.

 

There was feathers and fur and fists and feet.

 

There was-

 

"Stop!" said Freddy the Fork.

 

"What?" said Percy and Sanchez and the Small Yappy Dog.

 

"Something's... not right," said Freddy the Fork.

 

"Well duh," said Percy and Sanchez and the Small Yappy Dog.

 

"No, look," said Freddy, as he held up his tines. "I am a fork and yet..."

 

"Ooh," said Percy, as he noticed.

 

"Ahh," said Sanchez, as he noticed.

 

"Hiya!" said the Small Yappy Dog, as he did a roundhouse kick, knocking Sanchez to the ground.

 

Freddy the Fork sighed and flung himself into the air, pinning the Small Yappy Dog to a washing machine.

 

 

 

"So it would seem," said Freddy, as they all sat round a tree stump sharing a punnet of peas, "on account of the fact that I have only two tines, spaced just the right distance apart to be able to pin you to that washing machine, that I was always destined to defeat you."

 

"Streptococcus!" barked the Small Yappy Dog.

 

"Pardon?" said Percy.

 

"I am sorry, I have a cold," said the Small Yappy Dog.

 

"So what was it all about then?" said Percy, as half a dozen small green orbs rolled around him.

 

"What was what all about?" said Freddy, as he considered the relative merits of Squashing Vs Stabbing.

 

"The yoghurt!" said Percy. "The toasters! The garlic crushers!"

 

"Erm," said Freddy.

 

Then we pan moodily across to Sanchez, who is sitting a little apart from the group, staring moodily into the distance. "It is about," said he, "the eternal circle of fate..."

 

("Is he on drugs?" whispered Percy the Plate into Freddy the Fork's left tine)

 

"Hiya!" said Freddy the Fork, as he stabbed the last pea on Percy the Plate, before it rolled onto the floor, to be lost amidst the twigs, leaf mulch and Peperami wrappers, for all time.

 

 

 

"What a cop out," said the Small Yappy Dog (who was called Cyril), as he went off to find another yoghurt-coated, garlic crusher-adorned, toaster-strewn cave to hang out in.

 

 

***