Kings of the Desert
By Ewan
- 1818 reads
The embat blew and the plague left
human debris on a Cairo street.
We arrived in motor cars, on motor cycles,
in clothes lacking belts and buckles,
blue-eyed bearded men:
strange bedouin
dry-mouthed from the dust
of the desert, at last
left behind for a night or two
where the houris know
what a desert rider needs.
Two bottles at a time,
Stella as always came
to our rescue, slaking thirsts
as lime-dry as strip-mined karsts
in other distant lands.
None were sick for home,
sleep on a shifting dune
and roots are moot;
dine on desert goat
and there is no other meat.
So in stale hotel rooms
far from star-illumined skies
some slept on wooden floors
and lay awake to the sounds of the city.
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Comments
You have written a nice,
You have written a nice, descriptive narrative . It is choppy and incongruent in a few places. Also, there are a few grammatical errors. In line three, bedouin should be bedouins. Also, the phrase, "at last" could be omitted to make the lines sync and flow more smoothly. Also, the line "where the houris know" is awkward in the context. You could say, "and the satiating houris who met their carnal needs". Or, if this is too profane; "and the sanctioning houris blessed their worldly deeds". Another problem is the inversion that occurs in the lines describing the satiating draughts. The description of the dry mouths should come before the quenching draughts. For example, "Our slaking thirsts, dry as lime on strip-mined karsts/ Paging two bottles at a time/ Stella came to our rescue". There is more inversion in the next sequence of lines. The roots are moot should come before the line sleeping on a shifting dune. For example, "Roots were moot/ Sleeping on a shifting dune". Further, the next two lines are incoherent and do not mesh. Here is a succinct way of describing the sustaining food. "We dined on desert goat/as there was no other meat".
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