Stupid Unicorn! (Union Human)

 

"Stupid unicorn!" said the fairy princess.

 

"Why?" said the wizard.

 

"He trampled all over my rainbow poppies!"

 

"Well that's not on, my princess, not on at all. Do you want me to call the union?"

 

"Yes, wizard! Call them! Call them now!"

 

"Very well, my princess."

 

The wizard got on the phone to the NUUAMMMC (National Union of Unicorns and All Manner of Magical and Mythical Creatures).

 

"Ye-e-es?" said a monotone and utterly bored-sounding voice on the other end.

 

"Am I through to the Horned Equines Division?" said the wizard.

 

"Ye-e-es."

 

"Then I would like to raise an issue of urgent import to the fairy princess!"

 

"Just one moment please..."

 

"No don't put-! Gah!"

 

"What is it?" said the fairy princess.

 

"Fear not!" said the wizard. "For when the silly little man returns, I shall, as they say, 'tear a strip off him'!"

 

"Good," said the fairy princess.

 

When the silly little man returned, he said, "Can I have your name and registration number please?"

 

"Registration number?!" said the wizard. "I don't have a regi-"

 

"If you are unable to provide me with your name and registration number, I am unable to proceed with your query."

 

"Why, you officious little-!"

 

"May I remind you, sir, that it is you who is seeking assistance from me, and as such, if I am not communicated with in a courteous and respectful manner, then I am under no obligation to undertake any steps towards providing you with the assistance you seek...?"

 

"!"

 

"Sir...?"

 

"1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6..."

 

"Is everything okay, wizard?" said the fairy princess.

 

"Just one moment, princess," said the wizard. "7... 8... 9... 10..."

 

"Can I," said the union human, "have your name and registration number, please?"

 

"My name," said the wizard, "is Zargoth Krakenhall the Third..."

 

"Is that Mr Zargoth Krakenhall the Third?"

 

"Are you implying that I-?!"

 

"Courteous and respectful."

 

"Yes."

 

"And your registration number please, Mr Krakenhall the Third?"

 

"As I told you earlier," said Zargoth Krakenhall the Third, as he ground his teeth away to dust, "I don't have a registration number."

 

"It's on the back of your membership card."

 

"Oh."

 

The wizard Zargoth rummaged around in his portable hole, pulled out his NUUAMMMC membership card and read out the twelve digit number thereupon.

 

"Could you repeat that please, sir?"

 

"Why should I re-?"

 

"For security reasons, sir."

 

The wizard had now started simultaneously tugging at his eyebrows and pinching the skin under his chin. He nonetheless read out the twelve digit number on his membership card again.

 

"Thank you, sir. And one more time, please?"

 

"Wh-?!?!?!?!"

 

"Only joking. What is the nature of your enquiry?"

 

"As I said," said Zargoth (while mentally counting to a very high number), "it is an issue of urgent import to the fairy princess."

 

"And which particular fairy princess would that be?"

 

"There is only one fairy princess is the kingdom of Muldania."

 

"I need to know her name, sir."

 

"But she is-!" - Zargoth inhaled very slowly through his nose, exhaled (also very slowly) and then said, "Princess Wilhemina Celestiana Trimbletrot Mimosa of the Great and Bountiful Kingdom of Muldania."

 

"Is that her full title?"

 

"What do you th-?!"

 

"Courteous and respectful."

 

"Yes."

 

"Thank you, sir. If you could just bear with me one moment, please..."

 

After seven-and-a-half excrutiating minutes of eyebrow tugging, skin pinching, teeth grinding, deep breathing and counting, whilst having his lugholes subjected to six renditions of a tinny-yet-cavernous version of the Muldanian national anthem, the union human came back on the line and said, "I am afraid Princess Wilhemina Celestiana Trimbletrot Mimosa of the Great and Bountiful Kingdom of Muldania has not renewed her union membership in four-and-a-half months, and so I am unable to offer you any assistance today. Good day to you, sir." 

 

 

Zargoth Krakenhall the Third exploded. Literally. Because he was a wizard.