Building A Perfect World - A Step By Step Guide

For thousands of years, since before civilisation existed and ape men dragged their knuckles through rocks and earth, there has always been a singular dream. Of a perfect world, a 'utopia', a world where there is no conflict, animosity, fear, or loss. A dream that has always been out of reach.

Until now.

Now you can rest assured, if you follow these instructions to the letter, that nothing need ever be imperfect again.

Step 1. Find unoccupied land. It must be fertile for crops and for livestock, must have easy access to a water supply and must be firm enough to withstand homesteads or other large structures without sinking into the firmament. The weather in your chosen region must be moderate all year round, to ensure that your harvests are plentiful. Once you have found this land, set up camp.

Step 2. If you discover that this land is occupied, gain the trust of those that occupy it. Invite them to dinner and share your vision. Let them see the passion and enthusiasm well up in your eyes. Listen carefully to what they have to say, but be confident, be assured that the words you speak are heartfelt. If this is not successful, go to step 8, then to step 3 and continue following the instructions in order.

Step 3. Build a community there. Be sure that everybody has a job to do, be it as carpenter, builder, farmer, doctor, labourer, etc. See the dream slowly start to become a reality as you see the first seeds being planted, the first of sturdy but cosy log houses being completed. Make sure your people feel useful, acknowledge and praise their work. Those not contributing in any practical way should be banished, or at least made an example of. It is important that nobody gets the idea that they can shirk their responsibility - if one falls then the whole group falls. None can be allowed to hold back your dream. For those that do, proceed to step 8 then to step 4 and follow onwards as before.

Step 4. Have faith and trust in your community, but do not be naive. Provide law keeping services only so much as they preserve the peace and stop corrupt practice. See that the strongest and most able of your men prevent arguments from coming to blows and that reason prevails over rash instinct. You must be wary and vigilant at all times to stop crime from taking hold. Rehabilitation first, then to securing offenders in a holding cell or, if all other measures have been exhausted, proceed to step 8, then to step 5 and follow onwards as before.

Step 5. By now you will have established a code of ethics and practices in your community that everyone should abide by, making this both an enlightening and a satisfying place for your people to call home. As such, there may be others outside the confines of your new world that will want to take advantage of your prosperity. For those outsiders that wish to offer practical skills and will live by your code, welcome them in with open arms. For those that show no thought or regard for your code, they must be forcefully discouraged. To that end, secure a perimeter around your community and protect them from harm. For those that manage to breach your defences, show no mercy and proceed to step 8, then to step 6 and follow onwards as before.

Step 6. There will be those that don't fully understand your choices and will question your decisions. You must be prepared for these kinds of naysayers. They will claim that the original vision of a world that is free and at liberty to do as they will, away from the cruel and fearful control of the authorities and the mundane workaday world, that this vision has been lost. That this world that you have worked so fearlessly to create has become the very thing they so desired to escape. This kind of talk cannot be tolerated - it puts your authority and therefore the safety and well-being of your community at risk. Forcefully counter this argument with sound reasoning and strong rhetoric. If this is not successful and you find the allegiances of the community swaying towards the fluffy logic of the false prophets, then make sure an accident happens. By which I mean, proceed to step 8, then to step 7 and follow onwards as before.

Step 7. If you have followed these instructions so far, you should be well on your way to creating your very own perfect world. Bravo! You're doing spectacularly well so far, particularly considering the mysteriously rising body count and the police state you maintain where there is no art, literature or entertainment to enliven their fenced in existence. In fact everybody seems to be afraid of you, nobody trusts you and you're becoming increasingly paranoid that somebody is going to murder you in your sleep. It seems that you have underestimated the weakness of the human condition, that the evil of the world cannot be escaped as it lays dormant in the heart of even the most innocent, waiting to emerge when we feel least threatened, when we feel most at peace with our own existence. This evil must be purged, but if it exists in all of your friends, colleagues and family, there really is only one solution.

Step 8. Kill them.

Step 9. Kill them all.

Step 10. Realise, suddenly, you are all alone.

Step 11. Realise there is nothing left to live for.

Step 12. Kill yourself.

Step 13. There is now no pain, no fear, no guilt, no sorrow. Nobody can ever hurt you or be hurt by you. You are among equals. You are free of all responsibility, you are free of all the constraints of modern civilisation. You are completely at one with nature. Congratulations. Your perfect world is now complete.