The Labour Planet - A Working Title - Part Six - 1185 words
By Denzella
- 2472 reads
The Labour Planet - A Working Title Part Six 1185 words
Whittaker immediately took control and asked Black if there were any other exits from the containment area.
Black nodded ‘Yes there are two; one towards the back beside where the Punishment Block is and the other one is next to the Medical Unit. That one is not so easy to see as it looks as if it is part of a wall made up of lockers.’
‘What are the lockers used for and where is the Medical Unit?’
‘Some hold various bits of equipment and some have clothes that are used when a captive has little clothing that is serviceable. However, one set of lockers are not what they seem. They have been made to look like the rest but actually they have been constructed in such a way that no one would guess that they conceal an exit. Although I doubt you will find it open as it is very rarely used.’
‘The lockers that hold equipment…Would they have anything in them that could be of use to us?’
‘I don’t know about that. I only just caught a glimpse when a guard had got a couple open. It is not a good idea to hang around and be seen taking a keen interest in what a guard is doing.’
‘Okay, well that might be something we can investigate at some other time. In the meantime, I think it will be best if we split up. Georgia and I will try the one at the back, you, Jamie, take the main door and Black you go for the concealed exit.’
‘No, I’m not being party to this. What do you hope to achieve if you do manage to get out.’
‘Are you saying you won’t help?’
Black nodded.
‘Right, then I will look for the concealed exit and Georgia if you will take a look at the one at the back and Jamie if you will tackle the main door.’
‘What if we find one open?’ said Jamie, ‘Do we come back and let you know or do we try to find out what we can and then report back?’
‘No, if one of you finds an exit that is open take the opportunity to have a quick look round. For God’s sake be careful. I need you both back safe.’
Whittaker looked hard at Black; he just stood motionless with a haunted look. His thin face looking even more gaunt.
Georgia and Jamie, meanwhile, went their separate ways each hoping they would find their door open.
Whittaker then tried another tack with Black.
‘I will not ask you to participate in anything that will get you “disciplined”. Just give me some idea of where the exit is located and how I will recognise it.’
‘You have already put me in grave danger because they suspect me of being some kind of leader and they have seen us talking together.’
‘Yes, all right, I understand. Without help I can do nothing anyway as I have no idea where to start looking and we may have only a few minutes to get some idea of what we are up against.’
‘I don't think it will be open so even if I told you where it will not be much use to you.
I'd like to find that out for myself. Now, where exactly is it?’
‘To the left of the Medical Unit. You will need to be careful, they have a scanner permanently switched on covering that whole area.’
‘Well it might not be working now with the power off. In any event, it’s got to be worth a try.’
Whittaker marched off in the direction Black had indicated. Meanwhile, Georgia had found her exit but it was still shut tight and no amount of pushing gave the result she wanted.
Jamie however, much to his surprise, felt the main exit yield when he gave it a slight push and in his excitement he forgot what Whittaker had said and instead of stepping out to have a quick look round he went back in search of the others to tell them.
Whittaker too had forgotten what had been said as he and Georgia had both found their exits were unmovable and had come back to their original meeting point just as Jamie came hurrying back looking excited.
‘The main exit will yield so what do we do now?’
‘Well, I think we should seize the opportunity to take a look outside as it might be our only chance to see what we can find out,’ said Whittaker. ‘Black, are you with us?’
He just shook his head.
Whittaker pursed his lips before turning abruptly away.
‘Come on you two, we don’t know how much time we have.’
‘I think you are making a terrible mistake and if they catch you outside who knows what they will do. For all you know it might be a deliberate ploy to weed out anyone who might pose a threat.’
Whittaker pursed his lips again as he wondered why Black should be bothered what they did so long as it didn’t involve him. Of course he was already heavily involved so that was probably the reason for his understandable fear. He had said it himself. He had been ‘disciplined’ a number of times and before the medics had treated him they had seen the scars to prove it.
‘Well, we’ll just have to take that chance. Come on, you two, once we’re outside we’ll separate. I want you, Georgia, to stay fairly close to the containment area and scout around to see if you can find anything that might be useful to us. Jamie, once outside, I want you to go to the left and try to learn the layout of the ship. I will go to the right and do the same and we'll meet back here in fifteen minutes.’
The three made towards the exit; with Jamie pushing past the others to go through first.. Immediately the door hissed closed and Jamie realized he was now on his own and on the wrong side of the door. He needed to find somewhere to hide...and quick.
There was another loud explosion and the ship lurched again. The lights flashed momentarily before the dim lights of what must be a back up system came on again. He could see very little but somehow he managed to fumble his way along by keeping his hand in contact with the corridor wall until he found a small recess just big enough for him to hide in. He needed time to decide what to do next.
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Comments
I am so on edge when reading
I am so on edge when reading this, Moya. I wish it was a book that I had in my hand and I wouldn't put it down because it's hell not being able to read on.
Keep it coming.
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I was very pleased to see you
I was very pleased to see you'd managed another piece of this! I think you've done a brilliant job with building the tension here - particularly in the second half. I found the dialogue at first rather confusing, and I wasn't entirely sure why they were all sent off to the exits - possibly that could do with a bit of a rewrite. Please do keep going!
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I'd cut out most of the
I'd cut out most of the dialogue as it's can be summed up in fewer words. Where you have so much of it, it loses the reader. Black is asked a couple of times if he'll help. It's clear he won't after the first time.
More internal reflection and scene description would help, too.
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I wonder if Jamie will get
I wonder if Jamie will get caught! Also the others are treading very dangerously. Definitely keeping me in suspense and on the edge of my seat to read more.
Jenny.
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I know it's a first draft
I know it's a first draft Moya but I think you could shorten some of this to make it more dynamic in places. The first paragraph might read better as
Whittaker immeadiately took control and asked Black if there were any other exists from the containment area.
Towards the end there's another paragraph that could be leaner.
They made their way towards the exit. Jamie was anxious and forged his way to the front. The door hissed and opened. Jamie entered, but as he did the door closed quickly behind him. He was now on his own and on the wrong side of the door. He needed to find somewhere to hide..and quick.
Only suggestions Moya. I'm six parts in and really enjoying the read.
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