Under the Ice (2)
By Philip Sidney
- 6650 reads
At last, Aroha had managed to make a hole which she deemed to be of sufficient width. She ran awkwardly to where she had made her discovery, slipping and stumbling on the ice. Of course the bodies had gone and nothing but the inky blackness of deep water remained.
She gathered her composure and made her way back to the hole with her more customary stealth, as it would be beyond foolishness to jeopardise her own safety. She scraped the surface of the ice some two seals around the hole and waited.
Her calculations had been accurate, as she soon saw the beautiful face of the male slowly moving under the ice and towards the hole. She would have to act quickly and prepared herself for the struggle ahead. She considered retrieving the spear which stood upright, its point deep in the ice a seal or so away, so that she could widen the hole further, but the head of the first body had appeared in the opening in the ice.
The moment had arrived. She discarded her gloves and grabbed at the young man’s head, she held it steadily and was surprised at how biddable the body appeared to be. She felt the shock of the burn of ice as the cold stabbed at her hands. She needed to pull this body out of the hole, and although she was strong this feat was hampered by a number of difficulties, not least the second body attached to this one; the one that she wanted.
Aroha held the head with one hand and pushed her other back into a sealskin glove. With this hand she roughly manoeuvred the heavy weight of the body’s unbound arm out of the water and onto the ice. She knew that this could be the point at which she might lose him, so she quickly slipped the noose of rope she had fashioned during her wait, under the exposed arm and over the body’s head. She pulled it hard and the noose tightened. She wound the rope around the sturdy pole of her spear, hoping it would take the weight. She pulled on the rope and the body’s head and some of its torso bobbed out of the hole. Aroha secured the rope and moved back to the hole with a knife.
The second face was now visible. It floated closely to the body of the first, as though this child-woman was resting her head on the arm of her lover. Aroha noted the expression of contentment on her face. A decision had to be made, the girl would have to take her next set of chances alone. The girl was naked but for a pendant of carved stone at her breast, presumably the figure of some god or talisman. The fact that it still remained spoke of some watchful eye, and this thought dispelled the small doubt in Aroha’s mind.
She pulled at the arm bound to the girl until the plait of hair tying them together could be reached. She slashed again and again at the rope of hair, which was surprisingly strong. Aroha knew that she was in danger of losing her precious bone knife, but this had to be done. At last she had sliced the bond. She watched impassively as the girl’s body drifted away under the ice. Perhaps it would reach the shore; perhaps it would be carried away on another current. Aroha shook the girl from her mind and worked to retrieve the young man’s body from the ice.
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Hi again Philip,
Hi again Philip,
This story is really odd. I thought it was the girl she was interested in - although I still have no idea why she is going to all this trouble for frozen dead bodies, which she won't be able to resurrect - unless this is a fantasy story.
Here she is, starving, worrying about how to get out a small fish without getting lost in a white out- and then she goes to this enormous effort of digging a huge hole - presumably much bigger than she would have needed for fishing.
Presumably I will get some answers in the next chapter.
Jean
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I like the opening sentence - straight into the action with no spoiling preamble. I'm less keen on the way that Ahora 'deemed' it to be 'of sufficient width' I get that you are trying to instil an aura of other worldliness and perhaps enchantment and insight associated with the girl but (and this is a big but) that is her job to do with her actions and deeds not yours as the narrator.
The way that you have it now gives you (the narrator) mind-reading capabilities. How do you know what she is thinking? The only answer to that can be that you have an omniscient overview of the action. This means that you are in an awkward position of having all the answers that the reader needs to get to the end of the story but you will drip feed them slowly when you think the time is right. This can lead the readers to become passive recipients rather than active participants. Good creative writing causes the reader to ask questions - if you give them the answers they will feel less valued and engaged.
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Well that's a big relief. I
Well that's a big relief.
I was hugely concerned that you might feel (understandably) that I had been unkind, focussing only on what I thought was amiss. I really ought to have said also that the intrigue that you have created is deep and intensive. In any case (and I should have said this too) there is nothing wrong at all with omniscient narration if that is the chosen vehicle of the authors perspective. It's just important that you as the writer decides objectively one way or the other rather than just letting the writing style 'happen' to you.
You're one of the the best new talents on the site. I was delighted by your poetry earlier. Further, you are offering commentary that is both insightful and helpfull.
Kudos.
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in the opening in the ice...
in the opening in the ice....repetition of in, perhaps in the opening of the ice?
at how biddable the body appeared to be... I stumbled on the word biddable. I think being biddable is a consious action.
body attached to this one; the one that she wanted. ..ooh nice unexpected hook.
The second face was now visible.I'd lose now, it dilutes the tension.
Ah right, so it's the man's body that she wanted. Reading the previous paragraph, it reads as tohugh it was the woman that she was interested in, for whatever reason.
Going good, realy liking this story. Hope there's more to come.
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Harpie doesn't have the power
Harpie doesn't have the power to give cherries, nothing to do with her. ...only the cherry fairy can bestow ;-)
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