Intergalactic Space Cruise

The issue with humans is, they’re always screaming.

If you ask the chefs on the ship, you’ll get conflicting advice on how to cook boiled Homo Saipan. Sure, the preparation will be the same:

 

Step one:

Get large pot, fill it with salt water . The chefs all claim that water from what the humans called the “Pacific ocean” works the best.

Step two:

Mix in other ingredients for extra taste: seaweed, pepper, cows, pigs, chicken, whatever you want. I myself am partial to the bacon-wrapped humans.

 

Step three is where there’s some disagreement. Some chefs will say, turn up the salt water to an almost explosive temperature, then drop the humans in head first. A plenty humane way to stop their suffering. Depending on the size of the pot, you might want to cook the humans individually.

Be careful while holding the human. It will be screaming as loudly as it can, and it will try to scratch and bite, if given the opportunity.

These same chefs will swear by the method of breaking the legs of the human, all of the bones in the leg and foot, then using the shattered limbs as a sort of handle for dropping the creature into the water. 

Makes for a better taste, they say.

Of course, when you break its legs, it screams. Arms, it screams. The human will be screaming as it falls into the water.

They just never stop screaming.

Then there’s the chef that swears by the method of putting the humans into the salt water pot, then gently turning up the heat of the water. You slowly bring the water up to boiling, then heat it up a bit more.

Then a bit more.

Then a bit more.

Screams the entire time, so you just end up putting a lid on the pot.

Some chefs will kinda laugh at this. This suffering, screaming, echoing pot.

“Burn, evil pot! Die!”

There are even the chefs who will recommend crushing the humans with a hammer before cooking them, but there’s a general consensus the pulverized human works better in a stew. Even with the discrepancy in cooking styles, I still haven’t heard anyone complain about their boiled human.

I love it.

 

The humans, you’ve gotta admit, they were a funny bunch of creatures before we came along. We owe a lot to them.

All of their tiny, little, confused lives, I’m kinda glad that we’ve finally given them a real purpose.

I mean, really, they just taste fantastic.

They were the ones that explained slaughterhouses to us. How it was completely ok to take other beings living on the planet, and just raise them to die. To be consumed.

It’s a very brilliant concept the humans caught onto. Figuring out that the only reason you’re alive is that you’re not dead yet. You’re still consuming, still breathing, still not being eaten.

Yet.

The only reason to live is to die. The rest is just all the confusing bullshit about being alive.

The past is a story and the future is just in your head. And all there is happens to be right now.

And you have to understand how funny it was to hear something like coming from a human.

Imagine that. Insects don't tend to be that philosophical. 

How bizarre is that? We hadn’t laughed that hard in a long time. 

And now, they’re in slaughterhouses and farms on planet Earth.

Depending on where you want to go in the galaxy, the mark-up on the price of human can get pretty steep. Especially near the center of the galaxy, a human fetus cost as much as your monthly wage. Depending on where you are in the galaxy, you could probably find something better.

One of the major complaints about humans is just how bony and fat they are. It can be hard to find a good cut of meat.

But they’re still being sold and shipped throughout the galaxy. The capitalists have become the capital.

Imagine that; insects with capitalism. That was another surprise to come from the humans; their knowledge of how to live their lives and shape their world around acting like greedy little children.

And in capitalism, they trusted. It was hard not to be a capitalist if you were human.

Now, predictably, they act like sheep, horses, cows, pigs, all of the predictable farm animals.

On some of the farms, we use terrestrial canines to herd the humans around. This is another idea that came from the humans. They had been doing it for thousands of Earth years. It was the idea of giving strong animals the small necessities and creature pleasures they deserve, then getting those animals to do something for you.

The humans referred to it as “domestication.”

Ants with slavery, it just keeps getting better and better. Humans were just the perfect joke.

They even had a bible, and they didn’t have just a bible, they had a ton of them. The Bible has become wildly popular outside of the planet Earth as well; it’s a best-selling satire throughout the galaxy.

Seriously, read it. It’s an absolute stitch.

When we asked what “God” was, all we got was a bunch of roundabout, confused answers, along with the humans that told us that “God” was a human male with long white hair and a long white beard.

To imagine, those are the kinda ridiculous ants that would kill each other over the image of some inane, subjective concept that no one really understood.

Silly creatures. Don't be scared.

Call us God. Your job is to eat this food, reproduce, breathe, then get eaten.

So stop screaming.