Untitled

Cherry

By Bee

Thu, 04 Dec 2014
  • 1960 reads
11 comments
 

I saw you alone from the top of a Hill.
Over an ocean

I noticed you notice me,
lost as I was in the concept of us.

Your hands became my hands 
and mine became yours. 

We kissed with the tips of fingers to lips;
gripped a goodbye to the leaning of shoulders, 

and after, I walked
down the hill, sadder and lonelier  -
     
than back when we touched
as we loved at the top of the hill

where I think of us still - apart 
and yet joined 

in the words of a verse
and in the invention of memory.
  
     

Certificate 12
Poem
Fantasy

Comments

Submitted by Jim Archibald on

Hi Bee,

I like this.  It has wistful longing written with a certain reluctance to believe it seems to me.  Dreamlike yes, but changing towards the end with maybe three lines that say too much and break the spell.  The last stanza is perfect - it really is the poetry.  You might consider the last four verses turned into three yet retaining the killer last verse?

I walked from that place

and wouldn't look back

 

Our love left on the hill

where I think of us still

 

In the words of this verse

and invention of memory

 

Tell me to butt out if you think I am being cheeky.

cheers,

Jim

Franciman

Submitted by Bee on

Hi Jim.

I would never tell you to butt out - I love getting thoughts and suggestions, and I'm thrilled you took the time to think about it. I will definitely think about your alternative. It's difficult when writing about something that only happened in the poem, or rather, what the narrator knows had only been conceived by her own mind. Thank you so much for your encouragement. 

Bee

Submitted by VeraClark on

A delicate piece with sufficient ambiguity to 'hold' the hands metaphor.

 

Submitted by Bee on

Thanks Vera. Ambiguity can be iffy. Glad it worked here.

Bee

Submitted by Bee on

Thanks so much for the cherries!

Bee

Submitted by jeand on

Hi Bee

Lovely little poem. Very nostalgic.

Jean

Jean Day

Submitted by Bee on

Thanks Jean. Pleased you liked it.

Bee

Submitted by Stephen Thom on

very lovely and evocative there are a couple of lines that leap out for me as having a universal quality and felt simple stripped back and exposed

and after, i walked down the hill, sadder and lonelier (particularly sadder and lonelier)

where i think of us still - apart and yet joined

and i liked that around these lines deeper images&metaphor is painted but these felt like solid immediately relatable touchstones that allowed the surroundings to glimmer and move in their own way. argh, not sure if that makes sense but it does to me! :-) lovely so much enjoying your poetry.

 

Submitted by Bee on

Thank you Stephen, for such a thoughtful review. You really got what I was hoping to convey. What you said made perfect sense to me. Again - thank you.

Bee

Submitted by RJF on

Beautiful poem Bee. R xx

 

Submitted by Bee on

Thanks so much for reading, R - and for the nice comment. Hope you are well, and writing, of course. Look forward to reading something from you soon I hope.

Bee xx

 

Bee