IP Babylon was built on Grain

By Ray Schaufeld

Thu, 20 Mar 2014
  • 6419 reads
14 comments
 

Baby crying in the rain

Regaining boiling loneliness.

Lone buildings lie in ruined grain.

Speak true baby, gale blown bubbles

Gray babble grazing lonely field

Green bubbling mobile blown.

Baby may build again, greening gray

Long grainy grit built up from lone loam.

Builders home lonely babies!

I  gain green granary, re-build over pain -

Babylon was built on grain.

Certificate U
Poem
Lost and found
Spiritual
Inspiration Point (work that responds to our weekly writing cue)

Comments

Submitted by Silver Spun Sand on

Effective use of alliterations, here, Elsie...adds to the poem's punchiness.  Great take on the I.P.

Tina

 

Submitted by Ray Schaufeld on

Tina, thanks for your lovely comment. And I am really trying to tear myself away from Abc a little bit. Back in September um er I meant it at the time smiley

Submitted by prettyrose on

smileyHi Elsie,

I hope your well.

I would not want to say this poem drunk lol but loved it, well done and good luck on IP.

 

Take Care

smiley Keep Smiling

Keep Writing xxx

Submitted by Ray Schaufeld on

Hi Pretttyrose. Yes I am well, thank you. I am not sure if I would recite this poem when I was drunk or even if I would try saying 'the Leith police dismisseth us'. At one time I lived in Leithsmiley. I am glad you enjoyed it. All the best       Elsie

Submitted by Linda Wigzell Cress on

Fabulous use of language here Elsie. Truly a voice crying in the wilderness - this baby demands attention.

Linda

Submitted by Ray Schaufeld on

Thank you for your lovely feedback Linda,I truly enjoyed writing it         Elsie

Submitted by Parson Thru on

Fabulous!  I love what you've done to the IP.  Taken it, broken it all up, spat bubbles into it and thrown it into the wind!  Linguistic loveliness.  Don't go too far away.  I get those feelings all the time.

Parson Thru

Submitted by Ray Schaufeld on

Well, i haven't stayed away for very long after all. Sort of setting limits now and doing other things for example trying to listen to my daughters who are both a bit stressed at the mo. One has her A-levels coming up, the other one is stressed because she works in London as a secondary school teacher and her school is locked in a running battle with Ofsted.

Thanks for the lovely feedback!

Submitted by Ray Schaufeld on

 

Submitted by jeand on

Hi Elsie

Sorry it's taken me so long to find this to reply to. I sort of thought you had stopped writing, and never looked to see if it actually happened.

It is certainly a very interesting poem - and cleverly done. I can't say I understand it - but like the sound of it.

Jean

Jean Day

Submitted by Ray Schaufeld on

Thanks for your comment. My poem uses the words and sounds of the title and tells a creatively fictional short tale where my mood gears shift from down to up. All the best         Elsie
 

Submitted by Michael Valentine on

I adore this use of language: treating it as something altogether more visceral, rather than just a narrative tool (although you do that incredibley well, also). The physical act of expressing poetry often gets left by the wayside in online literary communities. Brilliant piece.

Michael.

Submitted by Ray Schaufeld on

Many thanks, Michael, lovely feedback!

Submitted by Ray Schaufeld on