Second Diary Entry (No.13)

By J. A. Stapleton

Mon, 29 Dec 2014
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4 comments
 

Diary Entry No. 13                                               29th April 1944

 

 

In all honesty these past days have been the most fascinating in my life. Each evening I wonder at the end of my bunk, flask in hand and nursing a bruised forehead, the state of the human condition and how loyalty can come and then go with servicemen. Currently the rate of fatigue is high and morale is low. After we departed an aghast Kenworthy and his cronies, we set off into the unknown Indian jungle in search of the remaining first infantry division, lurking somewhere in the bush, primed and ready for us as we were them.

On our journey a quote from Thomas Hardy crept into my mind while I immersed myself within this fantastical landscape: “The languid perfume of the summer fruits, the mists, the hay, the flowers, formed therein a vast pool of odour which at this hour seemed to make the animals, the very bees and butterflies drowsy.”  And not to mention the lads and myself also might I add.

We crept amidst the bulrushes, determined not to give away our position to the enemy. There was a pop. A lad named Livingston was killed. No sniper was spotted. And after waiting a good few minutes we got to our feet. Winfrey, damn brave fellow, was on flamethrower duty as it happens, was the first up.

You see, in the underground boxing match, Johnson was so wounded that he was to be hospitalised for at least a week, hence why Winfrey had to take over despite his inexperience in the field. Poor boy.

Once up, Winfrey led a path for us of scorched earth and smouldering heaths. Then, after traversing through the jungle for near on an hour there was a rustle. We hit the floor. “The trees,” he whispered. He directed his weapon upwards and pulled back on the trigger. The Devil’s breath, I like to call them, engulfed the thing and a Jap, tumbled down from the tree’s bosom, his ankle tangled in the rope. He was aflame. Startled, we opened fire, tearing the poor sod to shreds with our Lee-Enfields while he hung, lifelessly from that blasted tree.

I will always recall the look of shock in his greyish palour.

We camped out in the sticks that night, Kenworthy had sent us on this escapade – resulting in the death of a young man, barely out of his adolescent years. Typical of the bastard. He is only a Lieutenant, yet he deliberately choses to forget  the order of rank.

He is a Major to the lads.

Although bit and stung by the insects around me, my pain exceeded that of Livingston – the pang of guilt. I should’ve refused Kenworthy’s suggestion but orders are orders and I am a soldier, first and foremost.

Certificate 15
Story
Loyalty - or A Boy Born of Two Fathers.
Historical Fiction
Drama

Comments

Submitted by Geoff Smith on

Bits of this are good. I like the paragraph about the Japanese soldier, but I think that the following one sentence paragraph is overkill. I like the Hardy quote but it seems out of place in the context of the 'action'. On a general note, I think the style is rather 'stuffy' which seems not to fit the character. Perhaps revising and simplifying the vocab might improve things.

Thanks for reading. I am grateful for your time.

Submitted by celticman on

I lIke this. The tone needs to be adjusted and I'm not sure sure what you mean be underground boxing match. I got a bit lost there. 

 

Submitted by Jon McBaker on

I find this story to be okay - the Japanese soldier bit was good, but the paragraph structure is one of the problems with this, alongside a moment or two of sentence-structure problems. I'm no stranger to one-sentence paragraphs (having used them in the past), but you feature them at points where it would be suitable to place them in the preceeding paragraphs, as nothing new (namely scene-wise) is revealed when you use them. 

I feel that "And not to mention the lads and myself might I add" is very awkward because "might I add" is redundant when "not to mention" can mean the exact same thing.

The underground boxing match bit is out of place; not only because it takes place in it's own paragraph (when really it would be much better in the preceeding one) but also that it and the first sentence mentioning Winfrey feel like they're supposed to be one sentence. Additionally, it kind of distracts me from the fact that these lads are in the middle of a jungle. One way to improve this is to briefly mention the incident that landed Winfrey in this position during the sentence that mentions him, like this:

"Winfrey, damn brave fellow, (was on flamethrower duty, filling in for Johnson after he got hosptialised in a boxing match) was the first up."

This isn't bad, not by a long shot, and it does have its good moments, such as the Thomas Hardy quote. Carry on, lad.

Submitted by Jon McBaker on

I find this story to be okay - the Japanese soldier bit was good, but the paragraph structure is one of the problems with this, alongside a moment or two of sentence-structure problems. I'm no stranger to one-sentence paragraphs (having used them in the past), but you feature them at points where it would be suitable to place them in the preceeding paragraphs, as nothing new (namely scene-wise) is revealed when you use them. 

I feel that "And not to mention the lads and myself might I add" is very awkward because "might I add" is redundant when "not to mention" can mean the exact same thing.

The underground boxing match bit is out of place; not only because it takes place in it's own paragraph (when really it would be much better in the preceeding one) but also that it and the first sentence mentioning Winfrey feel like they're supposed to be one sentence. Additionally, it kind of distracts me from the fact that these lads are in the middle of a jungle. One way to improve this is to briefly mention the incident that landed Winfrey in this position during the sentence that mentions him, like this:

"Winfrey, damn brave fellow, (was on flamethrower duty, filling in for Johnson after he got hosptialised in a boxing match) was the first up."

This isn't bad, not by a long shot, and it does have its good moments, such as the Thomas Hardy quote. Carry on, lad.